Should I ask my mother who my dad is?

[NoelNemofish]

Bit of backstory -

I tracked down my dad late last year, it turned out that the man my mum had always told me was my dad couldn't be. He was very nice but explained that he was, and always had been, unable to have children, which hurt him and his wife deeply - and did I mind if we kept in touch? So he 'adopted' me really. He was undergoing treatment for cancer and died a month ago.

I miss him and really do feel like I've lost my dad, he confirmed for me that my mother is a fantasist, and for want of a better word, a lunatic. He told me who he thought my dad really was, just a name, said he hadn't seen him for years and years.

I am livid with my mother, first the shock of not knowing who I was (although that passed fairly quickly) and then finding out about this other bloke.

It'll be like poking a hornets nest, and will be a great oppurtunity for the cow to have a go at me, but I really would like to know - who the hell is my dad? Or doesn't it matter, should I try to let it go?

I'm very sorry to hear that you have been lied to like this.
It's great that you had a father-figure, even if he wasn't your real Dad.
However, if your mother knowingly lied to you about your Dad and you really want to know who he really is, you have a right to know.
It is obviously something you feel strongly about, so for your own peace of mind, you should ask.

I think I am just afraid of her either refusing to accept that my 'dad' wasn't my dad (and I have corroborating evidence that back up his version of things) or just literally making something up on the spot (she has form for this!)

Alternatively, and I am not judging here, spirit of the age and all that, but she may just present me with a list of blokes who attended a 'love-in' somewhere around April / may 1976

Understandably, neither of those answers would be what you want.
You simply have to weigh up in your own mind whether you want to know enough to deal with them if they come up. What is the chance of her actually being honest with you?
This is difficult because you can never know how the conversation will go until you start it.
Without knowing you and your mum personally, it is difficult to advise. You just have to follow your heart.

You should trace him. From your OP the only thing stopping you is your mother's involvement and this is not a good enough reason not to find out something that clearly matters hugely to you.

What about not asking her who, but how. This might throw her enough to give you the answers you need? So

"Mother. The man that you told me was my father wasn't. He told me my father was XXX (insert name you were given here). Do you have any more information to help me contact him? I will track him down with or without your help but it would save me a lot of googling"

And see what her response is.

I would want to know, too. If she insists that she was telling the truth, you could tell her you had a DNA test? I can see that you wouldn't want to rely on what she says - are there any other family members who could give you some ideas?

Is there any way that he could have actually been your dad, but for whatever reason didnt feel able to admit it?

Otherwise it seems strange that he would want to keep in touch?

Sorry for suggesting this if you are convinced that it couldnt be the case, its just what popped into my mind on reading your OP.

Without DNA testing I could never be 100%, so never say never. We chatted and swapped letters and photos, exactly as we would have done had I been his daughter. He is (well, was) in Canada and I am in the UK, so there was never much chance I was going to turn up on his doorstep. My dad's brother was unable to have children for the same reason, so there is evidence to support my dad's side of the story.

From what I can gather, my mother was rather obsessed that he was my dad, and a bit infatuated with him - she still has lots and lots and lots of photos of him which my stepdad is very jealous about. The whole thing is weird tbh, but I would like to know. I just hope I don't regret asking...

I like the phrase 'it will save me a lot of googling.' Problem is though I literally just have a name, no other information. Untraceable at the moment - I should know, I was quoted $2000 canadian dollars to track my 'dad' down, in the end I did it myself!