If you or you current partner had an affair are you now happy in a LTR with that person?

[piratecatClaus]

Just wondering, as we don't hear of many postive stories. My parents are both still in their 'affair' relationships, 25 yrs on.

I suppose I am technically, though neither of us were married at that point (though in other relationships). We have been together for 10 years and married for 5.

Does your question relate to a couple to met via an affair, or a couple where one cheated, and have managed to rebuild their marriage?

Yes, met DH when he was married (not proud of this) - now we've been married for 7 years, got two DC's and all very happy .

My Dad and his long term affair partner are married and have been for over twenty years, longer than my dad was married to my Mum. Don't know how long the affair went on for, but my Mum assumes it was going on for years before he left.
My H had a short term sexual affair before we got married (I found out after we got married as it had only just stopped), I have never forgiven him, was very unhappy the following year and had my own emotional affair with OM.
I will never get over it. I have known some that have and are very happy, my sister in law is still with her husband after he had two affairs (one fling, one longer term) they appear very much in love, although I don't know how much damage it has done to her to "never throw it back in his face" as she put it.
Each to their own I guess, what is forgiveable for some isn't for others, depends on so many things....mainly commitment to see it through. That goes for both sides of the story I guess, either starting a new life with an affair partner or moving on from an affair in a marriage.

Met DP when he was still married - I had known him many years beforehand - and started an affair. His W left him for another man about a month after it started. He and I ended up falling in love and have been together 7 years with one DD and another on the way. His XW and her OM split up after 2 years and she tried to win my DP back. Luckily for me he wasn't at all interested and he and i are very happy.

I met DH when he was still unhappily married, we worked together for a while, I was with someone else (also unhappily) we became good friends and he told me he was very unhappy at home, wanted to leave but was only staying for his kids. My marriage came to an end a few months after we met and I started dating someone else. Me and now-DH were talking one night and he confessed he had feelings for someone else and didn't know what to do. He then told me that person was me, I was gobsmacked as he had never gave me any indication that he thought of me in any other way than a friend. I had secretly fancied him for a while but obviously never made it known. We (to my shame) started meeting up and very very quickly fell for eachother, it was more than just a fling. Within a month he left his wife.

This was nearly 5 years ago now. We have been happily married for 2 years and have got a DC aged 3 together, as well as my 3 DC from my previous marriage. :o

Oh and obviously once me and DH started seeing eachother, I ended it with the chap I was seeing!

sorry, yes it relates to a couple who are still together and happy after beginning their relationship in an affair situation.

thankyou for your replies so far.

I guess I just wonder, when a relationship starts as an affair, how it or if it can carry on into a successful partnership or even marriage. I have friends whose dh's have left, my parents as i said. So many kids in dd's class have step siblings etc...

I recently found myself on the edge of an affair, and when i look back I wonder just how exactly this would have panned out. It all seemed like a mess to me at the time. Meeting someone who may or may not be happy with his wife, and who may or may not have made me happy, but children involved etc...

Also, with so much on the line with children involved, how hard it is to adjust (as it was for me and my sibling) to a new family dynamic.

I have known of one couple who are still happily together after both left their marriage partners. There were no children involved though.

They were both so horrified that they had left relationships via an infidelity route that they both went to counselling to ensure that they wouldn't ever be unfaithful to eachother. They were as fair as possible to their former partners, walked away with nothing financially, came clean asap so that the deceit was not longstanding and only married after they had been together for several years and were sure that they would never individually walk that path again.

I know of many more couples I'm afraid, where one or both of them is constantly looking over their shoulder wondering whether a minor problem in their relationship will lead to infidelity, normally because there were numerous lies about how ghastly the former spouse was and the awfulness of the first marriage.

Second partners always want to believe that the infidelity was caused because of relational problems, when infidelity is much more complex and normally points to individual flaws or lifestyle vulnerabilities.

The first couple I mentioned do not regret their union, but bitterly regret the way it happened and have said publicly that infidelity is never justified. If they had their time again, they would have pressed the stop button and tried to resolve their marriages without deceit. The ripple effect for them of hurt and ostracism within the extended family nearly broke them and the stress was overwhelming.

Whereas the person who believes that infidelity is acceptable in some circumstances and especially if the relationship is bad, inspires no confidence at all and it is no surprise then when at the first sign of trouble or lack of attention, they re-enact the behaviours of the past.

Was in a relationship when I met my current partner. I didn't have a physical affair though - got drunk and kissed a close friend and ended it with ex the next day. We've been together two years now and just about to get married. Neither of us worry that I'll cheat in future - it just feels right in the way nothing previously did.

My mum and dad were technically an affair - Dad was married, living apart together when he met my mum. They're still going very strong and happy 29 years later.

Ironic then, when I met my DH he was living apart together with his then GF. History repeating etc

I had a very brief wobble about his fidelity just after we got married, but we soon got over it (I thought there was was more to a friendship than there was, he said he thought she probably thought so too, so he cut off all contact with her).

From time to time I wonder if he will do the same again, but deep down I know he won't. He was always very honest about the reasons it didn't work out with his ex - he just didn't love her. He never proposed to her. Within weeks of us meeting, we'd talked about getting married and having children one day. 5 years later, we'd done both And at the point of us talking about a long term future, it was obvious to both of us there was no future in the relationship he was in, so he ended it. And that's kind of how I 'know' he won't do it again - we still have a long term future, and we talk about it all the time.

Met DH when he was in a relationship. 10 yrs and two children later we're still together. Similar-ish story to DancingThroughLife.

My parents were both engaged to other people, my Dad actually married his fiance but they split 10 months later and independently he and my mother got together and my father has never been with anyone else since she passed away 15 years ago :(.

I guess I'm still in mine but it was never a full blown affair, as DP and his exwife had been essentially separated for years and he left 2 weeks after we first kissed. COuldn't be happier now and it doesn't make me doubt him for a second - he's my best friend, soulmate etc and I really think you can't fight that. His XW is happy with the man who she just happened to be spending lots of time with before DP left her - sadly the same can't be said for her DP's poor wife and young DCs though.

Two spring to mind in my social circle

One couple met and claimed to fall madly in love in a matter of weeks . Both married to others for many years. Left their partners immediately (she had no kids - is a university professor) he had two adult children. Cue anger and devestation all round. They got married as soon as their divorces came through and are very happy ten years or more later. Don't know what became of their previous partners.

Other couple had off/on affair for 12 years.(she is a close friend from school days ) He left wife and teenage kids but went back to her when daughter threatened to disown him. eventualy did leave. Daughter did disown for several years, he married my friend, still very happy aprox 8 years later, both have great relationship with daughter AND the ex wife. HE says his first marriage was dead almost from the start and he should never have married first wife.

MUCH heartache over the years. Both couples think well worth it. Interestingly in both cases the affair people were completely upfront to their exes about leaving them for someone else. There was no attempt to pretend the relationship happened after leaving the first one. Not saying that's significant, just interesting.

I don't report any of this by way of recommendation.

You wont find any reliable statistics on these things tho'.

Some really interesting stories here. Would be interested to hear if there are any more, but suspect not many Mnetters would come forward and admit to it....