After an affair

[Bigregrets]

Is it possible for you to stay with hubby and live happily ever after without him ever finding out about the affair?

I was having an affair which ended physically in Sept. We have had contact since of maybe once a week a text and thats it - and just a general how are you.

I was doing really well with the above and actually enjoying spending time with DH again, but for some reason this week i have missed OM a lot - not necessarily the physical side of it, just the not having him there to speak to and miss the fun times we had.
I don't know why i have started to miss him again - there is nothing I can pin point which will have set it off.

As for marriage - it was getting back on track, we were spending time together and enjoying it etc but since missing OM i've not been making so much effort with DH. I haven't contacted OM - i'm just thinking of him a lot more again, whereas he had gone out of my every second thoughts.

So i suppose the above translates into wondering why i'm thinking about OM again and also if it is possible to fall in love with DH again after an affair and make it work esp if he knows nothing about it??

London - you are absolutely right. I now need to find out how to go about making this all better.

BigRegrets you don't say why you lacked a sex life with your H or why you were having a "shitty time" in your marriage and this somewhat contradicts what you said on your other thread about your marriage being happy.

London suggests that this may have happened because of a gap in your marriage and she might be right. You seem to concur.

I wonder whether because there are huge contradictions in what you have said before, you are re-writing history a bit and finding reasons within the marriage for your affair? If there are relational problems, this won't be the whole cause though.

I think you need to resolve the gap within you just as much, if not more than the one that may or may not, have been in your marriage.

WWIFN: I'm not sure i've said my relationship at the time of starting affair was happy with H. OM said he was "happy" in his....

Lack of sex life was on his part - not mine. I didn't want to post about it as i know people will just say that if our sex life was rubbish then why get married but i suppose because i thought it would improve would be the answer. He is not interested and would quite happily go months - the longest being 2.5 months without it. We have spoken about it several times but he would promise to do something but never do.

Do you think there is a underlying reason to having an affair ( you talk about resolving the gap) or just simply because i was selfish and enjoyed the excitement?

Just to say I have an appt with my GP tomorrow to ask for a referral to counselling. Do i need to just come out with it in GP's office and tell her why i want to be referred.
I will be going on my own and as the advice says which i have been given, trying to work out WHY i had this affair ( not just the lack of sex) and how to move on.

yes, it is possible for an affair to become a platonic friendship, but not in just two months (!)

you need a gap...

BUT like I said on another thread, you may become and stay 'just friends' but the sex thing is always lurking out there...

Unsurprisingly, I disagree with you Talleyrand but back to the OP, well done for making that appointment. You don't have to tell the GP if you don't want to and you can say that you're suffering a personal crisis in your relationship that isn't yet suitable for couples therapy and relates more to you as an individual.

Sorry if I confused your questions about whether you could go on and have a happy life, with happiness before the affair. Now that you reveal more about the difficulties in your relationship, it is easy to see how your marriage became vulnerable to an affair, but it won't be the whole story, because there are always other individual choices you might have exercised.

I sense you need to resolve these with your H, but there will always be a difficulty now that you are harbouring a secret. I would honestly suggest that you spend some of your counselling time, exploring what barriers you perceive, to honest disclosure. Talking these through with a non-judgemental but challenging therapist, might bring you more clarity.

Have been to see GP. The list for counselling is 6mths. I can't wait that long as I fear things will get worse and it'll be more damaging to my trying to move forward with marriage and get over OM. I lost my job so we don't have spare cash to pay privately but I'm going to have to get the money some how.

WhenwillIfeelnormal but which bit do you disagree with?

• that it's possible for a sexual relationship to subside to a platonic one? Well, you only have read the countless 'we don't have sex anymore' threads on Mumsnet to see that is true!

• or do you disagree with the idea that sex is always out there? I just think that if the relationship was an illicit affair in the first place then by defintion there was a spark. A sexual spark once lit may burn low, but it never entirely goes away. Not IME anyway.

Talleyrand implicit in your post was the belief that after a few months, it would be possible to resume a platonic friendship with an affair partner. Platonic marriages are, I think, a red herring here. I agree wholeheartedly with you that once you've been intimate with someone (especially illicitly) the sexual dynamic will always be there but more than this, it's wholly unfair on this OP's marriage (and her OM's) if they remain in contact at all.

This can never be an openly conducted friendship, so the secrecy element is going to have a continuing pernicious effect on both marriages.

Sorry to hear about the waiting list OP. If you can find the funds from somewhere, a private practitioner might be your best bet, or I think Relate do a sliding scale based on income. Since you've lost your job (poor you!) then you would probably be charged the lower amount on the scale.