will he (ds) still love me if I give up bf?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Not sure this counts as a 'relationship' topic, but here goes anyway:

I have been told I have to give up breast feeding for my health, and although I have kind of known that for a few months, I thought maybe it wasn't true, but today I got told quite strongly that it is. In fact they said there is nothing more they can do for me until I do.

I don't want to give up - i am really scared DS (9 months) won't want to be with me anymore, he won't want to cuddle, fall asleep in my arms, he won't look at me and cry to be picked up, he won;t nuzzle me and ... in short, I feel like the only thing I have to offer him are snuggles and boobs, and everything else, someone else can do better. So what happens when I give up?

I am seriously contemplating just carrying on bf as am so scared about letting that bond go between him and me. I LIKE that i can do something for him that no one else can, and when he's in my arms, I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life... what if its over?

Can you just limit it to the last feed of the night?

Why would you want to ruin your health, you have 18 more years of parenting to go for this lovely child who will in 15 years will give you sly cuddles, he will love you regardless!

I gave up bfing my dd1 fully after 2 weeks, I though my nipples were going to detach permantly, so i carried on part time until she was three months. I gave up bging my dd2 after 3 days, I was going down the same route and I didn't even do part time with her, it was all bottle, I have never been short of cuddles, you won't be either x

don't be daft, of course he will still love you. Babies love their mums, that's how it goes.

He won't just love you, he'll adore you. You will continue to be his world. I promise you that.

But you will need to love yourself too. What makes you happy is that you are his Mum and the best Mum you can be to him. That isn't changing. It's adapting slightly.

He will always love you.

Don't just give up bfing. Replace it with something else such as reading and singing soft songs. That way you still have that close, intimate, quiet time, albeit not bfing. And of course your DS will still love you. He'll love you and love you and love you. And love reading.

I have to give it up fully for the hormones to go, apparently its more like an on-off switch than a sliding scale.

My confidence is so low at the moment, I do think in my heart of hearts that this is all i have to offer him, and now I have to choose between that and me, and I want to choose him, but I can't.

Its the way he really NEEDS me at the moment, when he wants to bf, but then if he is awake after, he immediately de-latches and wriggles away. I guess am worried what if he just wriggles away and never comes back to me once boobs aren;t on offer anymore...

What if I've just fooled him and everyone else that I am a good mum by using bf as a substitute for a proper bond?

Be honest, have you ever met a baby who wasn't bothered about his mum? I haven't.

Oh Double, you seem so low poor girl. I'm terribly sorry that you aren't well and I can understand how you would feel about having to give up BF before you are ready. Have you talked to your DP about this, it sounds like you could do with a cuddle yourself. BF is a wonderful thing to do for your child and you are right only you can do it BUT (very big BUT) it is NOT the only thing only you can do for him. You are his lovely, wonderful, caring mother and no one else will ever love him exactly like you do, and he won't ever love anyone else exactly like he loves you. As such you have a responsibility to him to keep yourself healthy both physically and mentally as far as you possibly can. You have done a WONDERFUL job of feeding this long but it won't be helpful to him if you damage your health. One of the other posters made an excellent suggestion about finding another way of keeping some special mummy time - do that, get yourself healthy and happy (you are going to need all your energy soon for when he starts walking). When your baby is young and you haven't had much sleep it can all seem very overwhelming. I would never have believed how much guilt comes with being a Mum but have found that my confidence grew as they got older (and I got more sleep!) Please find someone to talk to in RL, meanwhile virtual hugs.

The most important thing you can do for your child, other than the care aspects that anyone can do, is be there for him. You have to look after your health for his sake. You don't want to risk leaving him to the mercies of people who won't love him as much as you do; you need to look after yourself.

Some women are unable to bf but they still have a terrific bond with their babies. It is a wonderful way of being close but it is not the only way.

Also don't be afraid when he pulls away; he's a growing, curious child and the best thing you can give him is confidence to explore, knowing you are nearby to keep him safe. He'll be back in a few minutes for more snuggling!

DS1 gave up bf voluntarily at around 9 months btw, and DS3 at about three or four months because bottles gave milk faster, greedy wee thing that he was! They are both lovely and affectionate young men, as are their brothers of course. I wasn't an especially great mum but I do love them and that bond will always be there. DS4 still loves to snuggle with me and a good book at the end of the day, over ten years after his last breast feed. Every now and then he comes over to me for a hug just because he can, and he's never objected to me doing the same (I wouldn't dream of doing it in front of his friends though!). They have all said separately that they are glad I am their mother, and I can't begin to describe the warm fuzzy glow that gives

You have a lot to offer simply by being his mum. It's an immense privilege, being a parent. Please don't throw it away by being dead or too ill to be with him.

I was unable to breastfeed my DD but she is my world and I know that I am hers. She loves her Daddy but it's me that she turns to.

Just Sunday evening, for the first time she gave me a proper kiss on the cheek. She's been doing sloppy kisses for a long time but she turned my head with her little hand and kissed me very softly on the cheek, even with a little kissing noise. She's nearly 18 months but it was the first time EVER I think, that I felt that she really understood about love as she stared to deeply into my eyes afterwards. I nearly cried.

You will have all this after you give up BF and maybe, giving up the BFing will make you realise just how loved you are because you will know then that when your DS cuddles you, he's doing it because he loves you so much and NOT because he's hungry.

You have got so much love and affection to come from him (even more so from boys I've heard ) and your little man loves you because you're you.

Big hugs. xxx

I bf my first dc for 10ms, my second for 20ms, and my 3rd for 30ms! There is no difference at all in how I feel about them or how they feel about me. I promise.

BF is lovely while you are doing it, if you have found it to work and be a positive experience, but I find they quickly get over it and you move on to the next phase in your relationship with them and of course there are still lots of hugs and kisses and smiles that show they consider you to be about the most important thing in their world.

Don't torture yourself.

I couldnt BF my DS because he had a medical condition so had to express and feed him separately. Took hours, drove me nuts, but he is just as loving and more cuddly than my DDs. That bond of love doesnt depend on the milk supply it is there anyway.

Look after yourself as well as you can so you have energy to play with him and care for him in all the other ways he needs. It will be fine!

I didnt breastfeed but of course it doesnt mean your child wont love you or need you. My daughter is nearly 3 she is constantly hugging me, co sleeps and sometimes gives me too much affection that I cant even go to the toilet in peace! Haha trust me you are worrying for nothing.

:(

I don't think the people who have not breastfed have quite got your anguish and fear, double, though of course they are 100 per cent right that love/attachment/bonding does not depend on bf.

With you, bf has come to actually mean mothering and love, rather than just a conduit through which mothering and love can be expressed.

This makes it worrying to think of stopping - if the bf stops, will the mothering and love stop? Your head knows all the stuff about 'replacement' snuggling and singing and cuddling, but your heart is 'really scared' - your words, more than being worried - that when that physical contact goes, the emotional one will disappear too. You believe that without bf you cannot be happy, and your little one cannot be either.

I think there is more to this than meets the eye. It is already possible you are having some sort of emotional/mental health therapy, but if you aren't then this can be explored - does your doctor, HV or therapist understand how your bf impacts on your whole 'picture' of yourself and your relationship with your baby?

It may be that winding down bf gradually is an option - you'd need to discuss that.

It is sad when you have to stop bf before you planned to, but it is not right that bf should feel to be the be-all and end-all of a relationship with your baby, to this extent....really, it isn't.

I do hope you get some good help with this, whether or not you continue bf or not, partially or otherwise.

HV would be a good place to start.

double - how are you today?

thank you so much for some of the lovely responses on here. Tiktok has got it bang on that bf has become mothering and love, not just a conduit. That helps to see why I am so upset I think, hadnt realised I thought of it that way.

I am going through alot and guess i was clinging to the role of bf-ing mum, as i feel i can at least do that well when everything else is crashing down around my ears, and then to find out I have to give it up it does feel like the rug pulled from under my feet.

I do know that you lovely people have managed to bond with your baby beyond breastfeeding, and you all sound great. I guess am just scared i will fall short at doing the same. Do you think there has ever been a case that the baby stops bonding with the mum?

(background is v complicated & ongoing, and i have posted it on here before, so you may have read my long and wondering posts before).

My h - no d in that - has treated me very badly and ground down my confidence, and I dont have anyone else to support me, so even though we have split up, he is supporting me as I cant physically do everything/ hardly anything as am ill.

So he is the cause of alot of stress and problems, but also currently one of the only things helping stay afloat (crap i know, pressure to get well so I can get him out of my life). He looking after DS as I had to return to work to pay loans and subsist. Am struggling with health and just had very bad news about that. I may have a horrible syndrome which doesnt end well. ds may also have it, found out yesterday about this at same time as bf advice.

H has a running 'joke' that DS wants my 'boobs' all the time, and when ever ds wants me, h calls me 'boobs' i.e. 'there you are, go to boobs'. I hate being at work and not looking after ds, and thats why bf has become so important.

he eats books when i try and read them to him, he falls asleep better when lying on h's chest, and thinks h is the funniest man alive, but i am only good for cuddles and bf.

Gosh, this is complex, isn't it?

Firstly, if you are up to reading something a bit heavy, the book 'Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt will explain to you how important the first months of infancy are in developing a secure attachment that acts as a template for relationships for the rest of life. Once they have experienced love and reciprocated, babies don't lose it, happily. You have already laid a wonderful foundation of confidence and love and trust in your little boy. It's there forever :) I suppose if you went on to treat him cruelly and unthinkingly, it might put him off - but you're not gonna do that!

Secondly, the rather unpleasant way your h has of referring to you as 'boobs' is not acceptable. It's dissociating your body/body parts from you as a person- not nice, and from what you say, I suspect he is doing this deliberately to undermine your self-esteem.

Thirdly, are you sure you have no alternative but to stop bf? If it's medication your docs are concerned about, then may be alternatives, or you might even find the meds are safe, or that you can time the dose. There are so few instances when bf really has to stop.

I do think you still need to explore help for your emotional health, though - what do you think? That way, you will be able to see breastfeeding for what it is - fabulous and loving, but not something you have to do, to be a good mother.

I think this belongs in the Relationships section in two ways. Of course your DS will still love you and you will be the most important person in the world for him even if you stop bf. But it sounds like your relationship with your ex-H is largely responsible for you having so little self-esteem that you think your DS only loves you for your boobs

Hey Double, please don't worry, I only breastfed my daughter for three weeks, I was heartbroken when I gave up. BUT my daughter adores me, I'm her mummy thats what they do!

She tells me she loves me everyday without fail and she is only 3!

Leaving aside your H for a minute, thought offering my experience might help a little.

I had to go into hospital for a week long stay to have a hip replacement at the beginning of September. DD was then 10 months old and breastfed along with being weaned. My consultant told me that he thought I would be better for my health winding up the breastfeeding and stopping completely - he felt that I would have enough on my plate trying to recover without worrying about maintaining milk supply, feeding and everything else.

I was absolutely terrified that DD would not even know who I was after the week away and stopping the breastfeeding was awful, I put a brave face on it (and thank god DD would take a bottle) but I hated it and thought that she must think I had utterly abandoned her.

We're now three months on, and although it was hard for both of us, I really don't think it's affected our relationship. She staggers towards me with her arms out (like a tiny drunk person) cooing Mumma Mumma when she wants a hug and when she's upset she reaches out for me, even when DH is holding her (and I do think she's mainly a daddy's girl). I'm pretty sure she's forgotten about my boobs, but she still associates me with warmth, love and dishing out the food :) You obviously love your DS to bits, and he will feel the same right back at you.