an old 'friend's comments'

[findingthisdifficult]

Hi, I had been friends with someone for 25 years since school. In the last few years I noticed our friendship had tailed off completely and I wasn't sure why.

I had my son 7 years ago and through a mix of very complicated circumstances I have brought him up alone since I was pregnant. This is by no means ideal but we are happy, self sufficient, I have a good job, nice house etc. Of course I would love that he had a relationship with his father but through many reasons this is not the case. I would also love to have a partner and haven't given up!

Since having my son, my friend had been very distant (she has 3 children) and I didn't know why. She lives some distance away and I was sad that we hardly ever saw each other - the last time was at my son's christening about 3 years ago.

I phoned her recently and asked her directly and she said that 'she didn't know what to tell her children about my son's father because I never talked about him' and felt that I must be bringing him up in an anti-male environment. This is totally untrue, I would like nothing better than my son has a father figure but feel that due to the complicated circumstances I don't discuss his father with many people. Of course to my son, I discuss what is appropriate to his age and to those friend's in my life who I am absolutely closest to (but she and I have lived miles apart for years and see each other infrequently and therefore not amongst my closest friends.)

She said she feels there is so much anti - male stuff nowadays...but I am not anti-male in any shape or form.

She then cited an incident at the christening when apparently a group of boys (including my son and one of hers) got overexcited and started saying 'we hate girls' as an example of me bringing him up in an anti male (although this of course makes no sense as that would be anti female!) environment.

as far as I can see my only 'crime' is to not to confide in her (and through her her children) about my son's father which I feel is totally personal to him, his father and me and to which she doesn't have the right to know. When I was pregnant I did try to brush off questions for the very reason that I felt my son should be the first to know and understand the situation before others and until he was old enough I only wanted to discuss his father with a very few people. I have also felt that by being neutral (instead of negative) I was bringing him up in a stable way,

I am very hurt by this but tried to explain as best I could and now all of a sudden she is inviting me to lunch, to stay etc etc having avoided me for 7 years without telling me why.

sorry it is so long by the way, I didn't want to drip feed

Well she sounds like one of those silly sods who thinks feminism has Gone Too Far and the world would be better if women just obeyed men and accepted inferior status.
But I suppose another explanation could be that she either knows or suspects she knows who your DS' father is and considers that you haven;t been fair to him or something. Is that likely? (NOt sayin that you have been unfair to the man atall).

Well, having read it all I thought I may as well give my 10 pence worth.

Your friend was probably hurt and confused that you didn't keep her updated on the in and outs of your relationship with your sons father. Did your freind ever meet him, or have you never disclosed who he is.

I think to your friend it looks like you have reached out, and she is now doing the same. The balls in your court as to whether you want you want to continue the friendship.

she doesn't know his father though she started making wild guesses in our conversation. Yes I think she was hurt by me not confiding in her and I think she thought I either didn't tell him or didn't want him involved neither of which is true.

She is no loss. She is no friend, she is a very sad individual.

Why on earth would you want such an idiotic woman in your son's life? She is intimating that your DS upbringing is not good enough, and not desirable for her DC.

She has one heck of a wake up call coming. If she shields her DC from the different family structures that exist now, how on earth are they going to be effective adults/parents themselves.

SHE is not good enough for YOU to introduce to your DS.

That sort of woman would not be in my circle of friends.

It's not her business!

agree with lynette on reading and tuppence worth too
and also that your friend might feel a bit distant anyhow from you, she wasnt close enough to be confided in your ds's dad secret or whatever iyswim, she might be miffed and nursed a grudge, hence not much for three years..
might be best to have a good heart to heart and see where you really are with each other..?

yes I agree LittleMissHoHoHoFit but trying to find good in her but failing

she is a teacher by the way so must have seen lots of family set ups.

The worst of it all is that for 7 years I have wondered what I'd done to upset her and what had gone wrong and she hadn't told me. Now I know it's horrible. I do understand her being offended me not confiding in her but to take from that that I have somehow wrong footed a man (which is what I assume she means by anti-male) is jumping to totally the wrong conclusions and I can't get over her thinking that both her AND her children have the right to know.

You protestith too much about wrongfooting a man imho, it is irrelevant how you got pregnant re the friend and none of our business either, if it is the truth at least be honnest with yourself, no one's business but yours, childs and Dad's!

I didn't wrongfoot anyone! the circumstances were that he didn't want to be involved and I decided to just get on with it and not look back! but that seems to have made her annoyed - like I would have been better off crying and asking for support

I think you were wise to not share if you did not want to, you don't have to, this is her rubbish, go and have the nice lunch and save the story for ds x

Shakes findingthisdifficult

Listen love, you don't need to explain your deicisions to anyone. The only opinion that matters is that of your DS and yours.

Everyone else, and I mean literally everyone else, if they don't like it, can FF right off.

She sounds judgemental, uptight and predjudiced, none of these good attributes for a friend.

Her guessing game sounds hideous, as if she wants the scoop.

Oh and as a teacher, she ought to know better, fine SHE may have seen plenty of set ups, hasn't stopped her judging you, or isolating her DC from real life has it.

Keep your mouth zipped, don't - for the love of god - tell her a thing. I wouldn't trust her to keep it quiet or not to judge you even more (without any foundation whatsoever) if you do tell her anything.

Why IS it that so many of us think just because we know someone for 20-odd years that they have to be kept, maintained at all costs. Marriages of 20yrs plus break up every day after all, why would a casual friendship last to the end of time if marriage with it's vows etc don't always make it?

I say again, a person who judges, makes comments or backs off from emotional support of you, refuses to engage your DC because of the family set up is NOT a friend.

prejudiced... gah!

Your "friend" sounds like an arse.

I think she is using that as an excuse .
She is acting as if you are somehow undesirable as a friend.

The lack of info into your sons paternity has probably led her to an assumption that the dad is something/someone your ashamed off....perhaps married or criminal ?.

What she fails to grasp is that you have every right to privacy in this (and any other matter).
Talk about 2 and 2 making 5 ?.
Shes no friend , shes a gossipy judgy pants.

Being neutral about the situation is definatly the best thing to do with your son.

thank you you have made it clearer for me. I feel really sad but also really angry about everything now. You are right, she hasn't acted as a friend, she has judged me and thinks she is superior because I don't have the same set up as me.

Some very valid points here. No matter what her reason is I think its sad she hasn't been there for you or your little boy since he was born. I'm sure you could have done with her support, no matter how the situation came about, thats what friends are supposed to do. I'd be tempted to give her a dose of her own medicine, but thats coming down to her level isn't it Good luck with whatever you decide.