how to explain absent dad to only son

[Tutak]

Hello. Does anyone know how to explain to a six year old boy that his dad doesn't want to see him? It's been two years since he left, and he says (when he is in touch) that he is too depressed to see his son. Every now and then my son asks if his father is dead, and says he misses him and would like him to come back home. I've been fobbing my son off with the line that daddy is away working and very busy, but I hope he will see him one day. But a/ this isn't true (he's not working) b/ it doesn't deal with the fact that his dad may never want to see him, and I don't think he should be living in hope forever....Anyone been through this and out the other side? And anyone know of useful books which are helpful for this (not too hideously American, and not divorce based - we weren't married, just together for 13 years). Thanks!

Hi Tutak,

I'm so sorry to hear what your son - and you of course - is going through.

I was in this position myself as a child.

I think that by far the best thing you can for your son is to tell him the truth, geared towards his age of course. Yes, it will hurt him. But that is not your fault, and you are there to love and support him.

There is a great strength that comes from knowing the truth, even when that truth makes you feel sad.

Sit down with him in a supportive, loving way and tell him the truth. You know him best so you know what he will understand.

I don't think it is a bad thing to let a child know that you can't know what is going on inside someone else's head. You can't explain how your ex's mind works.

Your son may need some reassurance that he is not bad or wrong to feel sad about this. I think it can help a child to be told that yes, what has happened is not fair. But that you will always love him - lots of honesty but also lots of reassurance. I think kids know when they are being fobbed off and it leads to confusion and uncertainty.

Make it clear to him that you are always willing to talk about it at any time. That you expect questions will occur to him and that he should just feel able to ask you them whenever he wants to.

But tell him the truth in a form he can get his head around. This is his dad's decision and you don't understand it - you can't explain it. But you and your son make up a team.

One of the things that made me feel strongest as a child was that I had an open and honest relationship with my mum - that she didn't conceal the more difficult things from me, she just helped me to find a way to live with them as part of my life.

I hope some of this helps. There are a couple of other threads that might contain some helpful info - I will find the links.

Neither of these is quite the position your son is in, but some of the experiences described may help you to see where your son's feelings may be leading, what he may have to deal with in the future etc - as well as how other parents have dealt with similar situations in the past:

little girl wanting to make contact with her dad

finding absent father as an adult

Thanks very much Wordweaver, all good advice, and sounds like you had a great mother. I'm trying to be honest with my son, but find myself getting weepy when I'm trying to explain it, mainly because I'm feeling so overwhelmed with what a bad deal my son has, and for no reason of his own or mine, just his dad's mental health/parenting issues. I've had a look at the thread about the little girl wanting contact, where I found more helpful words from you. I'm a great believer in using books/other people's experiences so that my child doesn't think he's alone, but after a trawl on Amazon, can't find anything that isn't based around explaining divorce (not relevant to us). And they all seem to assume that both parents still love the child and want to see them. Isn't there some truly shocking statistic about the high percentage of fathers who don't see their children post-split? Surely there's a market for books which help children understand that, or at least know that they're not the only one it's happened to? My son has a friend at school who was adopted by a single mum, so no dad ever on the scene, and another friend whose dad left when he was a baby, so he knows that not everyone lives with a dad, but it's not quite the same because his dad was with him til he was four, and he remembers him and misses him.

I agree with wordweaver my ds's have had very rare sporadic contact with their dad, we were never married either but together for 11 years. They were 3 1/2 and 6 months when we split, that was 14 years ago. There's no pretending that it doesn't have an impact on them, because it does, but just like you I was always very concerned, that no matter what their fathers short-comings were/are, that it did not impact on their own self esteem (i.e. being abandoned by their dad)

I have been careful not to say anything horrible about their dad, but at the same time tried to be honest..that although anyone can become a parent...there are quite a few that are just don't know how to.

I have also been careful not to build up an idolised version of him either, tbh it's a fine balancing line, however if it helps at all, my DS's are protective of me and view their dad as they would a casual acquaintance. Just a few days ago my eldest ds did say that what he had learnt about his relationship with his dad is that he would never be like him!

I can completely understand you getting weepy - you must empathise so much with him, and what hurts him is bound to hurt you.

Regarding the book thing - I am actually in the process of talking to publishers about trying to get something out there (I work in publishing) so will let you know if it moves forward.

I think that it can feel very isolating when you are a child to feel that you are somehow the only one in this particular position.

One of the lessons I learned in my teens was that as upsetting as my situation was, it was always going to be possible to meet people who had more difficult things to contend with.

The main thing was always that I had a supportive mum who I knew loved me, and I knew was as mystified by my dad's behaviour as I was. I suppose it made me realise that HE was the odd one, not ME - perhaps that was quite important to me as a child.

I am glad if any of my experiences can prove helpful in any way.

Wordweaver, oh yes please do try to get a book out there for younger and secondary school kids too please, a lot of books have the mum and dad rowing and then breaking up and being friends again... I could not find a book where dad left suddenly for ow, took drugs and got mentally ill, and eventually rejected kids and made a mess of things with courts etc, went on to marry ow and kids just had Mum only... and the children live happy ever after with just them and mum...

Thanks Wordweaver, and good luck with getting a publisher to consider your book. There really should be something out there for kids of separated parents, that doesn't assume that everyone has been married, and that after a divorce both parents will go on to love their child(ren) and see them, and provide another lovely bedroom for them in a second home.

I wonder if the lack of books in which the father disappears completely is because it doesn't happen in middle-class/writing/publishing circles, where social/peer pressure would make it pretty uncomfortable for the father to be accepted if he behaved like that? Such a book certainly wouldn't burn up the charts like a cheerful Julia Donaldson yarn, but I am surprised that there's nothing out there in the more educational/behavioural 'problem' market.

I've talked to the local authority funded family therapist about our situation and she had no written material which was appropriate, and the Centre for Separated Families just said, 'have a look on Amazon' (I have, I have, I haven't found anything remotely relevant, nothing that deals with the possibility that one parent simply doesn't love their child or want to see them again), so there's definitely a lack.

In the past I've reworked Carol Gray's Social Stories format for other difficult subjects with my son, writing a little story with him in it, showing how he could tackle whatever it was that he was struggling with, and how he could overcome it. I usually put in lots of photos to help him get it, so I think I'll just have to construct one about how we simply don't know if his dad might see him, and put in pictures of us two being happy together instead, and the other loving people in his life who will stick around. I hope that we can read it together without getting too tearful..