Can I ask DP to stop smoking?

[PartridgeinaPeartree]

Sporadic poster/keen lurker with new seasonal name asking for advice please :)

When I say asking him to stop smoking I mean Weed.

DP has been a habitual user (all evening after work and all day at weekends) since I met him 5 years ago.

I myself am not into that scene and never was but took the 'live and let live' approach when we met.

I used to smoke (cigarettes only though) up until 8 mths ago so know what its like to believe you can't live without a 'substance' sorry, can't think of a better word there.

However, his Weed habit is impacting on our relationship - always has I suppose but am only now really coming to fully realise this. All I can think is that I had a bit of a head in the sand approach to it before.

Anyway, sorry, rambling now. DP claims that his use has no impact on anything and that he is the same with or without it.

I think differently however, depending on how much he?s had he gets very unsociable and just wants to sit on his games console, has no interest in organising anything or going anywhere and it makes him v. tired the next day which means that weekends are largely spent sleeping until late while I see to any food shopping, housework etc.

Everytime I think about asking him to stop though I feel as if I'm being incredibly sanctimonious, I mean a) I knew about his weed smoking habit when we met and b) I wouldn't like it if he told me I could no longer have a couple of glasses of wine at the weekend.

Any thoughts gratefully received :)

What Expat said. With bells on.

I am also surprised to see the strength of anti-pot smoking feeling on this thread.

In my experience mumsnet can be frustratingly lily livered and liberal about recreatyional drug use, I usually feel like a complete humourless square on the subject.

I'm all for the odd hash spliff.

But this person's ridiculous - no motivation to do much of anything but bring the bong to his lips and click the WiiMote.

FFS, there's a whole world out there!

Don't waste your time asking him, tell him it's over.

To my mind, GetOrf, it's the addiction that's the dealbreaker, no matter if it's weed or booze or poker or shopping.

GetorfMoiLand: "I usually feel like a complete humourless square on the subject"

Think that's what contributed to my getting involved with DP. I used to be so against all of that sort of thing in fact it made feel quite unsafe.

That sounds a bit nuts but I remember telling myself to stop being such a baby about these things since they do go on and thought I wasn't living in the real world if I was going to stay with my former attitude.

expat: 'FFS, there's a whole world out there!' - my feeling exactly!

Yeah, it is addictive and damaging - unless he's an occasional user of un-modified marijuana (and you wouldn't be posting here). Such heavy use of a psychoactive drug AND fantasy games almost certainly suggests he's avoiding some unresolved issues so, all in all, you'd be better off making yourself available for less complicated prospects. Sorry.

People can and do give up skunk - it's not 'physically' addictive - but the user has to be in a good place psychologically, not unlike tobacco smoking. It's interesting that you found your view coming into focus after stopping smoking. My therapist said that tobacco smoking is literally a 'smokescreen' for facts we don't want to face! (I still do )

Of course, I hope your DP will pack it in once he gets that you're serious. Either way, good luck.

Just realised how patronising that last post probably sounded

Meant to add that I now wish I'd stuck to my original way of thinking on the whole dope/weed subject...

"My therapist said that tobacco smoking is literally a 'smokescreen' for facts we don't want to face! (I still do )"

That's incredibly interesting GraceAwayInAManger. I have recently been wondering about that. Whenever I used to be peed off/lonely etc in my relationship I'd go and light up a cigarette.

Now that I don't choose cigarettes anymore it does feel like I have more headspace to think about things I've been unhappy about for a while.

Can't decide whether that is the case or whether I'm just now re-directing my boredom to unnessessary nit picking of DP

my ex dp promised to stop smoking weed when we got pregnant.....needless to say he found it far too difficult. It impacted on our lives and our baby's, I woke up in our flat at 3am bedroom stinking of weed, went through and he was getting caned, didn't seem to think that it was wrong for my baby and me to be breathing in (getting stoned) weed smoke in our sleep !

Ex is long gone and still smokes. I have a lovely dp who wouldn't dream of doing that despite both of us dabbling in the past.

If you are having a difference of opinion now, please don't have a baby with him and consider your own future with someone more on your level for your own sanity !

I still have a bit of a complex that i'm a nag from acting like his mother for so long

"still have a bit of a complex that i'm a nag"

that rings a bell with me. I always seem to be the bad guy simply by expecting him to behave like an adult.

That sounds totally out of order though prettywhiteguitar, blowing smoke all over you and the baby

I used to smoke a lot of weed. I don't any more, because I prefer to use my energy for things like, er, getting on with my life. I'm still fairly live and let live about the odd joint, as in moderation it's no worse than having a few drinks; but your DP doesn't sound like a moderate smoker, he sounds like a stoner. How old is he? If he's a stoner, and over the age of 18 or so, then he's an irredeemable loser and you should seriously consider what sort of long-term future you want. And possibly plan one without him in it.

Do you guys have kids? It doesn't sound like you do from your OP. It sounds as though he's taking advantage of that fact to behave like a man-child, and treating you like a cross between his housekeeper and his mum, so he can have a hassle-free life getting high and playing PSP.

I say stop enabling him. Tell him to pull his socks up or you leave. This is no kind of relationship, and (this time whether or not you have kids yet) no kind of foundation from which to raise a family.

he was in the lounge and it was 10 ft from our bedroom. He claimed he couldn't smell it

Anyways he has grown up a bit now as it was 3 years ago but we had to go through mediation and solicitors for him to understand that it wasn't on

I wouldn't wish that on anyone

He is a manchild and still behaves the same with his current girlfriend (poor girl is a teacher)

He's a bit over the 18 threshhold at 35 (same as me) pottonista.

I'm having trouble seeing him in a total 'wastrel' light since he does do things around the house.

He cooks, washes, hoovers, shops for food etc although granted I am usually quicker off the mark in getting things like that sorted out since my mindset is geared more towards work before play.

The main thing I have doubts about is his level of motivation to do things which is absolutely zilch and has wopn't discuss any plans for the future in fact he hates making plans of any kind.

Also, he will come out and do things with me but only if I go to the effort of arranging them and then cajoling him along all day which is exhausting and disheartening for me.

- genuinly had no idea I had so much to say on this subject. Def. have a lot of thinking to do. Thanks again for indulging me on this everybody :)

36 - dear god, don't know how old we are now.

and should be won't discuss not wopnt

He'll be the same at 40 as well. He probably uses the "well you know what I was like" argument against you when you argue. Your own idealistic naiveity re weed smoking has cost you very dearly. He is not in the real world at all; all he is now doing is dragging your good self down with him and sadly you are allowing it to happen.

Life is too short to waste your own precious years on looking after such a manchild. All he cares about is having his own selfish needs met; you do not even figure in his plans because the cannabis has taken away all his drive and determination.

That's genuinly what I'm terrified about Attila, that we'll both be sitting there in our 40's living like we're still 21 and don't have a care in the world.

It's also one of the reasons that I packed in the cigarettes as wasn't keen on still being a smoker in my 40's 50's etc.

"you do not even figure in his plans because the cannabis has taken away all his drive and determination"

not sure why but reading that really hurts. Must be some truth in there then.

The thing is you would be a sanctimonious nag if you insisted that he stop smoking. He's a grown-up and if he wants to spend the rest of his life stoned out of his box then that is his choice.

At the same time, it is your right to decide whether you wish to continue living your life with a stoner or not. If that's good enough for you and your plans for your life then accept he's a stoner and make allowances for it. I'd not bring children into such a relationship though.

If that's not good enough, then make the decision that you no longer wish to live with a stoner. It doesn't even have to be anything personal against him - you can think of it as making a decision to not live with any stoners. It's not an unreasonable decision to make.

Beautifully put, Snorbs.

Partridge, I'd dare to suggest that "you do not even figure in his plans" hurts because it's the painful truth of any relationship with an addict :(

You come second.

It will be lovely if, when you put this to the test, he dumps the weed/games, but you'll be creating a world of pain if you allow life to become a power struggle between you & DP's behaviours. Basically you're living with an addict and, as Snorbs said, the only question for you is: "Do I want to live like this?"

Harsh :( I feel for you.

Jesus. He's a 35-year-old stoner? He'll never change. I'm not the sort who'll tell someone to ditch their husband for forgetting to put the laundry on, but in this case I say think seriously about your future with this man.

A great friend of mine took up, in her twenties, with a 40-year-old manchild who taught skiing, enjoyed boozing with his friends, was fun to be around and loved her to bits. At the beginning she enjoyed taking care of him and laughed off his 'little ways' but once their daughter was born she realised how useless, untidy, emotionally incontinent, irresponsible and immature he was. They were separated within the year. He is a nightmare to negotiate with even now. Don't go there.

Snorbs has it in a nutshell. You need to decide whether you want to live with a stoner. If that's good enough, then accept. Otherwise, get rid while your ovaries still work.

IOt's true of any behaviour in a partner that you don't like - you can't make another person change for your benefit and it's only very occasionally that saying and meaning it that you will leave if the behaviour continues is enough of a wake up call for someone to change a behaviour.
Generally though your options are: accept the behaviour, or end the relationship. WHat you really don't want to do is put yourself in the position of 'controlling parent' where the person continues the behaviour but conceals it from you so you are constantly anxious, constantly spying on him/her, constantly being let down.