Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Why does my DH do this??Pulls the rug out from under me..

19 replies

DeathandTaxes · 28/11/2010 21:02

So I think that we are having a nice relaxing sunday when this row comes out of nowhere..

My dh comes in today as I was preparing veggies for the roast dinner, and he startes giving off about the kids watching too much tv today, and I said that yes, they HAD watched too much tv today but that the weather was foul so they could not go out, and that I was busy with dinner prep so could not entertain them, so he rolls his eyes and I say "what's wrong, what have i said" and he says "oh nothing, nothing" in this resigned voice and then comes out and tells me that it would be "nice" (in sarky tone) if his wife could support him for once in these issues instead of being so difficult and I am like, WTF is wrong with YOU today? And he insists nothing, just that is is so hard for him that I am so unsupportive.

Ao I am not sure how the hell I am supposed to respond to this without it descending into a shouting match cos to my mind he is being a total prick and spoiling what should be a nice sunday afternoon, so what should I do?? Walk away and count to ten, or just tell him to stop being a prick and then stand back as all hell breaks loose??

PS. I told him that he was behaving like a prick, and took one of the kids into another room to practice for his Xmas play. When I came back in DH gave one of his "qualified" apolgies as in, "I am sorry if you think I behaved like a prick but .... etc etc as he proceeded to justify it...so not really an apology at all in my book.

He does this regularily. And it makes me really hate him at times, and si really corrosive in our relationship.

OP posts:

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 28/11/2010 21:31

twunt. sorry but he is.

if he thinks the kids have watched too much tv, instead of whinging at you, why doesn't HE think of something to do with them? take some positive action, not negative carping. Tell him if he doesn't like it, he can change it, he's their parent too.

Or drop his dinner in his lap, if the mood takes you

tb · 28/11/2010 21:33

DandT, I have one of those too, "I'm sorry if what I said upset you". Makes you want to bring back hanging, drawing and quartering, doesn't it.

Actually, after over 30 years of it, I pointed out that it was worse than no apology at all. I think it's stopped, or maybe I've stopped noticing for a while.

You could always try doing it back, and see how it goes down.

HerBeatitude · 28/11/2010 21:36

Christ he sounds like a prick.

If he thinks the kdis are watching too much tV, why doesn't he do something about it? Why is he coming in to engineer a row with you?

What a prick.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2010 21:52

so he "walks in" and starts criticising ?

where had he been ?

why wasn't he entertaining the kids while you did dinner prep ?

Original poster

DeathandTaxes · 28/11/2010 22:44

EXACTLY! I pointed this out to him, that he could actually pop his head in to the tv room and tell the kids to turn over, (if he thought the programme unsuitable) or turn off and play if he thought enough tv, but he seems to think I should KNOW exactly what they are watching at any given time and therefore be able to reassure him whether it is suitable or not, (instead of him doing it himself!)

I mean FFS he is their Dad too.

AF - He had been at the shop getting stuff for the dinner, only out around 15 mins so not like kids had been glued to the box for 5 hours!

I just fucking hate this. He can be such a prick. It just spoiled the atmosphere for the rest of the day. I didnt want to be around him after we cleared up and got kids to bed, so I sat in one room and watched tv while he sat in the other.

Supposedly we are not rowing, as he has "apologised" but I am still pissed off with him, and he knows this, so he is keeping his distance. I do not think for a moment that his apology was genuine, so I still feel an atmosphere.

I dont need this. Why does he do this??

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/11/2010 22:50

I dunno

I agree you don't need it

He seems to need it, somehow...or at least to be unable to resist the compulsion to start an argument out of fuck-all

A proper chat is called for I think...ask him are there underlying issues/reasons for this dis-satisfaction he is displaying ?

HerBeatitude · 28/11/2010 22:51

Because he enjoys conflict?

Does he do it often?

Original poster

DeathandTaxes · 28/11/2010 23:02

Am lying in bed now, and he just came in a few minutes ago and gave me a box of my fave chocolates that he went out tonight and got for me.

That is his way of saying sorry for being a prick I guess.

I should be pleased,. I suppose it is sweet, in a way. But in another way I feel uneasy, as nothing has REALLY been resolved and I know that it will happen again.

Maybe I should just accept his apology/chocs for what they are and not over think it.

A proper chat is indeed called for, but not tonight I think, I am too tired, and he is downstairs watching sport on tv, will have to pick my time I think.

There wont be any sex tonight so I may as well get stuck in to the chocs!

OP posts:

sincitylover · 28/11/2010 23:02

I think if you read Lundy Bancroft about abusive men this is one of the things he/she talks about - how abusive men will stand on the sidelines and criticise your parenting.

My exh used to do this and still does it now. It used to create a bad atmosphere in our house too.

AphraBen · 29/11/2010 01:47

Have you asked him if something else, unrelated is bothering him / on his mind when he reacts this way and has a go at you? Just a thought, because if its coming out of the blue it may be triggered by something else entirely and he's just channeling it through this familiar criticism route. Can this be possible? Because if it is, you can cut to the quick and ask him about his root cause and deal with that. I don't know if I am making sense here.

Coffeebeans · 29/11/2010 03:29

It does sound like he's got something on his mind. I've been like that before, starting a row when i'm upset about something.

Coffeebeans · 29/11/2010 03:29

It does sound like he's got something on his mind. I've been like that before, starting a row when i'm upset about something.

Original poster

DeathandTaxes · 29/11/2010 13:14

I will have to try and discuss this with him tonight. He has a history of bottling up shit, and tackling his issues in a passive aggressive way, until we reach crisis point and end up in counselling, its happened 3 times before. This is why I feel uneasy, I feel we are building up to something nasty.

Even though he gave the chocs last night, he is still being all quiet and moody.

Its fucking exhausting living in this tension!

OP posts:

healthyElfy · 30/11/2010 10:30

Does he do it because you were all coping perfectly well without him?

hairyfairylights · 30/11/2010 10:39

It would be 'nice' if he took responsibility for doing something with the children then, wouldn't it? Why is it your responsibility and not his that they watch too much TV?

InPraiseOfBacchus · 01/12/2010 15:54

He wants you to think the "being supportive" means agreeing to everything he says. You need to address this behaviour, or he's going to erode all your freedom. Sounds like he fancied having a go at controlling someone's life.

WriterofDreams · 01/12/2010 18:32

Wow. If my DH did something like that he would no longer have a head. You must have massive patience. Seriously if I was busy and DH came in whinging about the children as if I was the one solely responsible for them my first response would be "Are you fucking serious??"
Does he take any responsibility at all for the children? How on earth did he expect you to prepare the dinner and look after the children at the same time?

What would have happened if he had asked that question and you had replied "You know what you're right, here you finish the dinner and I'll go and play a game with them" ?

susiedaisy · 02/12/2010 20:59

does he want support from you or just for you to agree with him?

in an ideal world he should of just got the snakes and ladders board out, but i am guessing that would be too easy, sounds like he was spoiling for a fighting really, if you had been swigging vodka straight out of the bottle whilst playing bingo online i could see his point, sounds like he was bored and fed up, a wet boring sunday stuck in the house usually drives most people mad by mid afternoon doesnt it???

QueenofWhatever · 03/12/2010 11:09

I agree with sincitylover earlier and read the Lundy Bancroft book. Classic behaviour, my ex was like this. I would get flowers instead of chocolates, but otherwise word for word. One of the best things I ever did was keep a diary - I though I was unreasonable etc. etc. because he spent so much time telling me so. Looking back at the diary now, he had me believing I was unreasonable because I didn't rewind the video to the beginning of a TV programme he wanted to watch.

You can become so worn down and caught up that it can take a very long time to realise how skewed the relationship has become.

However if keeping a diary shows it does not happen that often, it might be down to a bad day or something bugging him that you need to chat about. Look first if there is a pattern, as that will help you work out how best to approach it.

Flip