so, what next??????????

[amIbeingselfish]

DH has had a good go at me again tonight, because I've had a few drinks. I admit it, I have. Because I need some relief from "stuff" going on around me. On the face of it, I have a pretty good life. In reality, work is really, really awful (but can't leave, cos I'm the major wage earner) and we have some issues with the children, which apparently is all my fault/for me to sort etc. So, I cope with this on my own, do pretty well for the most part, but this week, everything has been pretty hard so I've had a few drinks todayl I KNOW this is not the answer. But I also know that drinking helps me cope with all of this on my own. DH won't got to DS's parent's evening "because he's heard it all before" , won't help sort out the root causes of the chidren's problems etc etc. But has sat there tonight preaching about my drinking - won't even listen to the reasons why I might "my fault" for being too weak and drinking, won't listen to the "if you'd only help me " bit.... sorry, just rambling, thanks for listening, am going to go for a walk and might not come back

Try to take it easy, if you can't cut out the aggravation.
I've no advice on the spur of the moment, but my thoughts are with you.

PS - have the walk, clear your head and anger, then go back home.

you need to find a way to cope ./move things forward/ deal with things without the drink.

if drinking is a necessity to cope, you need to find another way

all that you are doing is hiding away and you have to face up to things, with DH. and if he is pissed off with you drinking , it stands in teh way of a proper talk.

it's also terrible of DH not to come to parents evening and not try to go to the root cause of things

you both have issues to deal with

but nothing should stop you from dealing with yours

big massive hugs. Sounds like you need some unconditional support and help and instead you are being judged. Sorry

Can sympathise as my Dh pretty much same. However I am SAHM so also get 'told off' because I don't bring any money into house.
Hope you can resolve this.

God, I hope you did come back, OP, and that the walk did you some good.

A quick lecture first, which is going to sound horribly sanctimonious but might be a danger in your situation. Drinking doesn't really help anyone cope; it gives the illusion of coping but it actually reduces one's ability to do so. I'm sure you don't need telling that alcohol is a depressant. A lot of people feel a slug of wine when they get home is sustaining, but to "need a few drinks" on a daily basis is the slippery slope. Me, I don't drink to relax, but I hide from my problems in displacement activities such as computer games, and that doesn't help either... so much easier to see what other people are doing wrong!

So, you have very real and very shit problems. Mainly, and this is one I do recognise, you have a partner who appears to have opted out of responsibility. You do the main earning, the important bits of dealing with challenging children, and dare one guess you don't find all the housework done for you either, or is this a presumption too far? Rather than actually being supportive he tells you what you're doing wrong - again. I wonder if you partly drink because you know he won't like it but are fecked if you will let him tell you you can't, given that you're the nearest thing to an adult in your household? I wouldn't be surprised if your H was secretly pleased that you have a vice he can righteously have a go at you about. Suggested experiment here: try a few days without drinking at home, and see whether he starts encouraging you to have "just a little glass, I know it helps you unwind"? And then he'll be telling the children behind your back that you're an alcoholic, thus undermining your authority further. This is all speculation with an element of projection, of course, but if it isn't part-way to the truth I'd be very surprised.

Solution: With my own hindsight I'd say leave the bugger, but I'm guessing your current situation would make that difficult. If nothing else, stop asking him to help and start laying down the law, reasonably of course and with some room for negotiation, but insisting on what support you require rather than hoping he'll do the decent thing. One adult in a partnership shouldn't order another about, but it's extremely unfair for one to be shouldering all the responsibility while the other walks about with their hands in their pockets, criticising. Perhaps he feels a bit emasculated because you are the main earner, angry and helpless because he can't "fix" the child issues, and is asserting his control in this way. I don't believe that is an excuse for him though.

I said "righteously", not "rightly", because I don't think it is right to have a go at you but he can make it sound as if he's only concerned. It would make me want to reach for another glass too!