How to respond to this email from my mother....

[BigChiefOrganiser]

This could be long and rambly and disconnected, so I apologise for that.

I have decided to go home for a visit (live abroad), basically the thing keeping me away has been my mother, I just didn't want to deal with her.

A few months ago, I sent her an email telling her I didn't want to have a relationship with her. I heard nothing back. I let her know DS2 had been born, heard nothing, all fine, as that is what I wanted.

Now as I am going home, I thought I would send her an email as a courtesy, to save her face in front of her friends, I suppose, it went like this, and then following is her response:

Mine:
I'm letting you know as a courtesy that we are coming over sometime in the summer for a holiday. This is only so you are not suprised if you see us around, or if your friends/family mention it to you.

Hers:
That is good news. I would love to meet my new grand son and get to know GS1. I would appreciate spending some time together to discuss our communication.

We have a port a cot if you need one and you know there is always beds here for you if you wish to stay.

Have you booked your trip, when may we expect you?

Background:
We were raised on guilt trips, if someone had an opinion or did something she didn't like, she would cut them off completely, including her brothers, sisters, long-standing friends. At home we got the silent treatment and walked on eggshells around her, if she didn't get her way. We knew not to ask for things, because the answer would be no.

She treated my brother better than me (I have no animosity towards my brother), I suspect because my father was abusive to her. We both grew up not having anything to do with our respective father's and were raised by an adoptive dad. I thought that we were adopted by our dad very young, but recently I applied for my original birth certificate. On it the adoption stamp was from when I was 8yo. We had been using our dad's last name all these years, and had not been consulted about the adoption. When I met my faterh and his wife in my 20s, my SM, asked me what kind of doctor my dad was. I said he wasn't a doctor, her and my father looked at each other and burst out laughing. It transpires that my mother had written them a letter saying my dad was a doctor, and if we wanted to go to private school and share in his inheritance he would need to adopt us. So they thought it best, and signed the papers. I have no reason to beleive that my SM and Father lied about this.

Another classic of her behaviour. I went on a ski trip with my brother. She told me I couldn't go unless my brother fixed some things on his car. He fixed one thing, which was a safety issue, but not the other. She waited up and at 2am when we were leaving told me I wasn't to go. She said if I did, not to come back (I was about 17). I went on the trip and came home to my bags packed and made to leave. I stayed with friends for a couple of weeks, she then told them I'd run away from home and wanted me to come back. How I wish I'd told her to stuff it.... (through this saga, the same restrictions did not apply to my brother)

My father died 2 days before I got married (to which he was invited), she said to me in an email a few years later, she was glad he'd died before she caught up with him. This was AFTER she'd had counselling for what she'd been through (I must point out, my father had also been through counselling many years ago, and was a changed man when I met him). So she was prepared to cause a scene at my wedding, even after I'd asked her if she minded if I invited them to it. After this email from her was when I told her I didn't want anything further to do with her and recommended she get more counselling!

Anyhow, these are examples of the behaviour she exhibits. She also used to hit us for discipline, she only stopped hitting my brother when he threatened to hit her back one day. Everything is about her and her wants, as evidenced in her email response to me. She wants to meet GSs, she wants to talk about communication, despite me telling her I don't want a relationship.

So, do I even bother responding to her email, or just ignore it? I am bound to run into her at some point, as my dad lives in a nearby town to her, and I will be spending a couple of weeks there. I feel sick at the thought of running into her on the street. How can I strenghthen my resolve not to get sucked into her guilt trips and not let her into our life again. How can I stop feeling guilty about it! FFS I wanted her to be able to save face with her friends, whereas I shouldn't really have cared!!

Just send her a polite reply saying that you have already made arrangements for your accomation and that your previous email was out of politeness, and that you were not seeking to make arrangements to meet. If you wish you could add that that is definitely not part of your intentions for your visit.

Fwiw, I could kick myself over the number of times I kept quiet about my dm so that people didn't know what she was really like. On the other hand she had no such scruples and bad-mouthed me round the parish for years after I left.

"I think you have misunderstood. I was informing you that we would be in the country as a courtesy, in case others mentioned it. My position on our relationship has not altered since I sent you the original email. I am not interested in rekindling the relationship for reasons I have already fully explained. We will not be visting you. Please do not attempt to coerce me into changing my mind. I have no intention of doing so."

?

Would be what I'd do.

But then I don't buy into the whole 'family at any cost' thing. Mother shmother. A toxic bitch is a toxic bitch, whether she gave birth to you or not. You don't owe her anything.

Although sending a birth announcement, and letting her know you are coming over is sending mixed messages.

Contact or no contact. Not I don't want you in my life but I'll just tell you these bits. imo.

Just reitterate what you said in the first email. Stay strong she sounds dreadful. Dont tell her when you will be around whatever you do or she may come looking for you. Just keep it simple, courteous and impersonal. Good luck.

Very well worded Hecate, thankyou.

You're right, I have been sending mixed messages, I've not really known how to go forward. I did have a FB just for her for photo's of my DSs, again so she could save face with her friends (!), but never told her any news to do with me. Previously, she'd not speak to me for a couple of years, then make contact, and it'd be okay for a couple of years, then the cycle repeat. This is the first time I've proactively cut off our relationship.

tb I know what you mean, all but the closest of our friends thought my mother was wonderful. And it's only as an adult that my childhood friends have said, that they'd felt so sad for us. They all knew what was going on.

I'm not sure about your motivation in sending the original email and previous email about her new grandchild to be honest.

If you wanted nothing to do with her and are so vehement in your feelings that you intend to deny her access to her grandchildren, why do you care about her being able to save face in front of her friends?

In your mothers position I would take your actions as an olive branch. Therefore I can understand her response. She is not insisting you stay with her but opening the door incase you feel you want to.

If you feel as you say you do, then I would take other posters advice re. your response and then not contact her again.

x-post. sorry.

Would agree with Hecate; any contact you make with this woman as well just gives her more ammo to aim at you. Any e-mail, no matter how you word it, will be turned around into something that she wants so you cannot and should not write to her. Ignore any further e-mails and block her email account from your address book.

The three main enemies of adult children of toxic parents are fear, obligation and guilt.
You are still in the grip of this even now hence the message you send (you still seek her approval subconsciously).

You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as it could help you further. Also posting on the Stately Homes thread on these pages (re dysfunctional parents) could also assist.

I too think that deep down you are still hoping for some sort of relationship otherwise the original email would have sufficed.Maybe as time goes on and age advances she is seeing things clearer Who knows? I am always of the opinion that people can change and life is short.perhaps you could lay some ground rules and maybe meet for a drink on neutral ground.Or if yo feel she could never change and you could get hurt just leave it

you keep contacting her/mother, you worte and severed the relationship and sonce then have sent another 3 emails - stop
I don't think you do wnat to stop or sever your relationship with your mother - do you? You want some attention and sort things out and why if that is the case dont' you get on with sorting things out on your terms aswell as hers?

That's okay msnky I take on board your thoughts. I have deleted the FB account too, so no photo's. Perhaps I was holding onto the thought that there was a glimmer of a decent person in her. She seems to be well loved by her friends and new inlaws (she's remarried), but perhaps they've never stood up to her.

BTW toxic people also never go into counselling.

"She seems to be well loved by her friends and new inlaws (she's remarried), but perhaps they've never stood up to her"

Abusive people can appear most plausible to those in the outside world besides which they have never lived with her day to day. You fully knew what happened because you were in the thick of it as a child.

It is okay to severe contact completely; you do not need this woman's approval. She let you down abjectly so you owe her nothing. You can reclaim your life.

Attila fear, obligation and guilt - this is exactly it, I know it's true as I'm in tears after reading your post. I just couldn't verbalise it to myself properly.

I have read the toxic parents book, so do recognise she is, I guess I should read it again and make some notes before I visit, in case I run into her.

I am definitely NOT telling her when I'm arriving as she may just turn up at the airport. She has done this once before even when I didn't tell her when I was coming. She happened to be going to the airport to meet someone and saw my dad driving to the airport and followed him. She was so smug about it as if she was omniscient, I just wanted to punch her in the face.

BCO - I agree with the others. Either you want her to be a part of your life (giving her information) or you don't - but you can't really have a middle ground without a lot of misunderstanding.

Maybe you should go to a few counselling sessions and try to work out what you really want before you reply to her - there's no hurry to do so (she ignored your other emails so don't feel bad not replying immediately).

She does sound like a nightmare, but sometimes we can forge different relationships as adults which can be easier than saying you will never have contact with your mother again. On the other hand some people do cut out toxic parents and are better off for having done so - YOU need to work out what is best for YOU and I think counselling would really help you.

I've sent Hecate's suggested email.

How do I block her email address? I'm using hotmail. I have done it for someone else before, but can't remember how to do it.

Thanks for your help.

It sounds a bit to me as though your email was just rubbing her nose in it. in an "I'm coming to stay near you with your grandchild and we won't come and see you ner ner"
sort of way.
I'm sure that wasn't intentional but if you don't want contact with her sending her an email saying you're coming near to stay seems bizarre.

That wasn't my intent at all. I guess I should have asked prior to sending, Should I let my mother know. I did question myself if I should or not, but went ahead. Either way in her eyes is cruel. If I didn't tell her, and she heard from someone else I was there, or just ran into me, I'd get grief for it, and telling her as a courtesy but not seeing her, I will also get grief. Can't win really.

I do get why the email was sent, it's guilt indeed. You were only trying to do the right thing, trying to please someone who will never be pleased.

A young child doesn't want to see the mother they so desperately want to be loved by, look foolish in front of her friends.

Fear because you are scared because she disciplined you by hitting.

She never allowed you to be anything other than a child by constantly trying to dominate, control and manipulate you. Consequently, when you engage with her, she makes you feel like a child, powerless and weak.

I'm willing to bet that you are perfectly able to live your life as an adult in ordinary life. Only when you have any contact with her do you feel like a child again.

I think FWIW it was a noble gesture to let her know you were going to be around, but you have to understand that she is going to reply, she is going to try and engage you.

I think you are going to have to face up to the face that you will have to sever all contact.

Go to hotmail options on the top right hand of the pane. Click More options and then click on safe and blocked senders under Preventing Junk Email.

Bigchief, something no one else has picked up on, you seem to think your birth father was abusive to your mother, he was not around when you were a child, he stated he agreed to have you adoped by someone he had never met so that you could get inheritance/private education, there is something not right there, is it him that sadly died before your wedding?

Who are you visiting near your home town?

I can understand why you sent the emails, I do think that you have gone about it in an odd way. I imagine part of you wants to cut contact and part of you wants your mother to run after you!

I would leave it all now, you have warned her you will be over, don't tell her when, don't tell her you have alternative accomodation, just go about your business and enjoy your son and holiday!

as has been said already statley homes may help you x

Bigchief, we made the mistake of thinking that perhaps my dm was turning into a human being, putting down her odd behaviour to an unhappy marriage.

I appreciate you aren't in a position to do this as you live abroad, but to reduce her worries about coping with a too-large house etc we sold our own and went to live with her, to share a 6-bedroom house. All well and good.

Really if I am brutally honest with myself, I was looking for the mother that loved me. It didn't have a hope in hell, and 6 weeks she'd stopped speaking and was freezing us out.

I'd already had some counselling, but needed a lot more after we left. However, I can remember meeting someone a bit younger than me that I'd known before getting married, who told me what a wonderful thing she thought that we were doing. What she didn't know was that the removal van was booked.

I don't want to hijack your post, just to add this as a warning to anyone that is blaming themselves for a relationship with their parents not working. If they are toxic they are extremely unlike to change. Toxic narcissists are not going to be queueing up at their gps to be asking for counselling.

Please don't keep in contact for your own good. I'm sure that apart for the need to grieve for the mother you haven't had, you don't really need her in your life.

Thanks LittleMiss & Mummie.

It's exactly that, reverting to being a child and scared to voice an opinion different of hers when I'm around her.

I was told by my mother he was abusive (my birth father), no details, it was never really discussed. We never asked questions, as even though she'd say we were welcome to, we really weren't. It was him that died unexpectedly, just before my wedding.

I am going to visit my Dad (who raised us, adopted us, and put up with my mother). My Aunts and cousins, step-sisters and their families. My Dad, has to have some responsibility too, I know that. He stood by and let her treat us, almsot like possessions really. He wanted an easy life, but does recognise they way she treated us was wrong. I do know he loves us and just wants us to be happy, and in his quiet way, he's always been there, willing to help us out as adults (we only have to pick up the phone) and considers us his children.

One thing that sticks in my mind about my mother is that when were happy or smiling, and she was miserable (about 90% of the time), instead of becoming happy herself to see her children so, she'd snap, "Why are you so happy, what are smiling about?" or if we were upset, it'd be "i'll give you something to cry about". Absolutely no empathy or sympathy from her. She wanted pretty, little robots, and I think crushed, certainly my spirit and personality, to get them.

I've always thought maybe she's not so bad, and that I'm just being pathetic, or that my reaction to her is just because we don't get along, and I don't really talk about my childhood to friends I have as adults, so I have no idea if I'm being OTT wrt to her behaviour or not.

All I want, as anyone would, is a mother that is normal. That values her children, is proud of them, loves them, encourages them to be their own person, and supports them when needed. I know I can't get that from her, and it's time to stop hoping for it, and just carry on with my life, and not treat my lovely boys the way she treated me and my brother.

xpost with you tb, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I hope that you are okay now.