Tips/Best ways of arguing with DP....

[TDaDa]

Obviously best not to have argument but if you do what rules/methods do you follow?

I will make the controversial suggestion that texting each other rather than big bust up infront of children could be very effective, allowing civilised exchange and reconciliation. I have tested this, myself with decent results.

What are your views/tips?

Do. Not. Shout.

not shouting puts you in immediate superior position to other person who is lying on floor tantrumming and screaming like a 3 yr ld in Asda.

Reality- obviously you have a great partnership going, well done. I though that texting was pathetic but actually it saves a lot of emotional energy....i have blackberry and DP has iPhone so messages are well worded and very calm and polite...not always the case with verbal communication.

Don't dismiss it outright

Well, it means that I never interrupt (which I always struggle with - I have 6+ brothers and sisters and we all talked at the same time but somehow understood each other so I am still fighting that bad habit).

Means that we never shout or show anger

Means that we consider carefully what we are saying as well as what the response is.

Means that if you have DC then they will not be affected.

The more I think about it the more I think that this could be a handy way of letting steam off at Xmas lunch with the in laws

We've argued/talked by text too - my OH doesn't cope well with confrontation - and if we try to discuss a subject he's uncomfortable with he'll just clam up and won't discuss it further. If we talk about stuff via text I keep calmer (come from a family of shouters and bickerers) and can voice what i need to without getting too emotional and he can take the time to respond and express how he feels without clamming up or simply walking away (and refusing to talk to me for 2 weeks!!! - his family don't argue ever. So when we disagreed the first time he thought that we'd break up over it!).

It's not my preferred method of commuication, but it's the best way we've found so far. Thank goodness we very rarely disagree!!

Reality - i do try hard not to interrupt but I don't think that I am there yet.

drinkyourmilk - i agree that this method takes some of the emotion out of it and it is so much easier to be objective and ensure that both sides are heard. And when you apologise then it is an apology rather than one party reading something else into non-verbal communication.

Not a perfect way of conducting relationship but can be more constructive than a shouting match and less damaging to little on-lookers!

Reality _ i realise that this isn't a panacea...and that it is important for DCs to see parents resolve their conflicts...but it is a useful tool IMO

We never go bed in a mood and are never in a mood with each other for more than about 10 minutes. I got that from my parents though as they are the same and always have been, both with each other and with the kids, family. I am a lover not a fighter

Listen.

Listen.

Listen.

And don't say things like "you do..." or "you act.." or "you make me..." always go with the "I feel..." "I think..."

I even go with "I interpret such and such to mean..."

It's harder for them to say you're wrong, or to dismiss you if you are talking about how you feel, rather than saying they do X or put the responsibility for your feelings onto them by saying they make you feel a certain way.

People get less defensive and are more likely to listen if they are not hearing "you make me" "you do" "you are" etc

I appreciate people trying to find a method that prevents shouting etc, sensible if your arguments always descend into conflict.
But tbh my best tip is to focus on what you are trying to achieve e rather than venting and it becomes easy.

Suppose the argument is about picking up towels/ skanky pants etc... If you want to vent and for it to escalate then ' why the fuck do you do that you lazy fucker etc etc' that will result in defensiveness and return aggression.
If you want to resolve it... ' look I know it is just a thoughtless acts, you don't mean anything by it , but it upsets me. It makes me feel as if you don't care that I have to clear it up. I wouldn't leave stuff for you to pick up. Would you just think about it and try . It is frustrating me and upsetting me which is daft about something so small. What do you think?

The problem with the text idea is that you are modelling bland for your children. You are not showing them how 2 adults who care about each other should negotiate and live together. Your children will either think that they should never ever fight or that arguments are stifled and shameful.

I love arguments! It's hard to find somebody who knows how to argue, though. I wish debating were taught to all school children - I certainly feel DCs should be aware that it's important to have opinions, be able to express them clearly (even passionately), respect other points of view and to negotiate an outcome.

You can't do that by text imo.

I agree with Pagwatch and Hecate. I think there is always going to be conflict, life doesn't exist without conflict, and it is how you resolve it that is important. I reckon it is good to get it out in the terms outlined above by Hecate, and also if you do lose it and behave badly say SORRY. And don't put BUT anywhere just say sorry.

Sorry I shouted at you

not

sorry I shouted at you..but you were being annoying.

I wish I could think of some skanky pants type scenarios to really emphasis my point.

obv I mean emphasise

now you all know that I re read my post -to see how brilliant it was

The best thing to remember when arguing is to argue about one thing at a time.

It drives me mad when DW turn an argument into something else, as if it is all about scoring points.

If I say "can we talk about the fact that you X? I'm not happy about X"

she will say

"Well, you Y"

and I say

"If you're not happy that I Y, we can talk about that, but at the moment we're talking about the fact that you X"

Insert your own bugbears into the algebra.

DH and I only really ever argue about one thing - which is his ability to change personality and become a tosser behind the wheel. And I call him on it, every single time - I think if you feel strongly about something then don't ever let it pass unremarked.

And pick your moment - I wait until there are no DCs around and things are quiet before I start complaining about whatever. I think having to wait to argue is good - a) sometimes you just need a bit of perspective and b) it gives you time to formulate your arguments in your head, so you're less hysterical and ranty, and more reasoned and logical.

Oh yes, ricketyrock - a "sorry, but..." is worse than no apology at all. Never give a qualified apology - either you're sorry or you're not.

UD, is it that she sees her 'X' as fair exchange for your 'Y'? Have you ever approached it in that light?

DP and i don't argue but I agree with unquietdad's point - an ex of mine could never stick to the issue I'd say 'I'm not happy because you did X' and his response would be 'but 2 weeks ago you did X and also do Y'. Growl.

Agree that kids need to see some disagreement and peaceful resolution. ...there is no danger that we will disappear into lovey-dovey texting couple...I just think that it is a useful tool to sometimes consider?

We usually save texting for the "good" stuff IYSWIM

Can honestly say I have never had a debate nor an argument nor even a "frank exchange of words" by text

I am kinda old, though...but I tend to think texting a terrible form of communication as you completely lose all the nuances of eye contact, body language, gestures of conciliation etc

Horse for courses though innit

We do argue in front of children, have never felt a need to hide a disagreement from them

Kids know, you know

You are right AF. But there is the odd disagreement that some couples might not want the DCs to be put through? Clearly some have very good relationships that never ave that sort of agreement but some others do?

AF- yes, texting the good stuff can also be good.

snowflake - yes, clearly all disputes before bed time could be the secret of a great relationship?

Grace - I know what you mean about being able to argue without offense.