just need to talk to someone, really

[Gherkinsmummy]

Sorry, a bit of a long story; my DP and I have a four month old son, who we both love very much. Before DS was born, DP took on several fairly major work commitments, one of which I suggested might wait until DS was a bit older as it would be quite stressful. DP works from home, and we only have a 1-bed, so since DS's birth I've done as much as I can to give DP quiet time at home.

He's doing a PhD and most weeks is away from home at least one night a week, which is ok, but recently he's either been busy or away for the last fortnight, because of this event he's organised. Yesterday I went along with DS and there were a few problems, so DP was very stressed. He texted me later to say he had been smoking (he stopped when DS was born), and I texted him back to say I understood. But when DS woke me at 4 am I realised DP hadn't come home, nor were there any messages from him. I've tried to call him twice this morning and he's not answering.

Since DS was born I've sometimes really struggled with my new role as mother - I used to be a very social person and though I go out a lot during the day I miss meeting friends in the evenings, going to the cinema etc. DP knows this and has been promising that once this busy period is over (he's away again next week from Tuesday til Saturday at a conference) he'll give me a break.

I am SO ANGRY with him right now. All he had to do was text to say that he was at the party and had missed the last train.

We are supposed to be moving next year to be nearer his university and I'm seriously questioning whether I still want to move (I'd be giving up work to move) and whether I still even want to be with someone so thoughtless and selfish. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading this far!

hell yeah grumpypumpkin (hee hee love that name!) its much easier doing a job for several reasons. We are all conditioned from birth to do things for rewards from people! We are trained that way , brainwashed. treats for behaving then punished for things you shouldn't, we want pats on the head from our teachers, to be appreciated by our bosses for working hard,we spend our money on looking good to (lets face it) feel good and for it to be appreciated by our future partner...we want to have them reinforce that by loving us, then the cruel irony is when you become a mum...all your good work goes unappreciated and unseen by anyone but ourselves. Because its natural and we shouldn't have had kids if all we were gonna do is moan about how hard it is appatently(??!!) and at a time you feel most crap and you need to start passing on your 'wisdom' on to your offspring, they don't seem to appreciate it either!!lol . And your loving partner doesn't seem at all appreciative that you have given it all up for them, but still wants you to appreciate them even though he maybe getting his from work and social life too.

Its like going against everything we have been trained to do and you suddenly have to learn to self motivate for long term gratification... which lets admit it ...we all want appreciation 'YESTERDAY'.

we should change the way we 'train' up our offspring to avoid disappointment in later life, because am sure its the turning point and why its so bloody tough! Thats why us girls are so (am convinced) a much tougher breed. bcs there comes a point, where we have to say 'oh, shit....its not all about me, ok' and blokes are led to believe alot of the time, that it is all about them. lets kindly inform them..its not! ;)

and noooo, its not pleasant discovering that and some never do...:/ I gotta admit its still tough now. its like discovering father christmas doesn't exist... even though I still curse the mythical t**t every year for getting all the appreciation for all our hard work and money spent. grrrr. (wink) not bitter at all, as I self reward, hellooo wine my old friend. plus I self rewarded with finding a lovely man who knows all this...not the father of the kids I might add. but thats another story. and I recommend that if he is willing to learn that with you guys its much better all round, let the lesson commence, other wise...sling it. hee hee x

Just a quick update - a bit of soul searching and we're not moving in January. He's going to calm things down and spend more time with us, and has looked after DS this morning. So fingers crossed, hopefully we can work through this bad patch.

Good to hear that Gherkinsmummy
Hope all goes well with your little gherkin family!