Me too!!!

[badgirl]

Have just read part of thread started by Playingaway yesterday and can fully understand her point of view as, I too, have a friendship with a man that my DP doesn't know about!!!

My DP is a great Father and as far as I know has been loyal to me for the 6 years I have known him. The problem is that he is fiercely possessive and jealous. I think this stems from the fact that his wife had an affair and he seems to vent his frustration of women into our relationship and so from the start he has never liked me going out with my friends and furious rows were always caused everytime I wanted to leave the house without him or the children. Over the years I have just "put up with him" out of the love I do have for him and because of the way he loves me and the children but for the past year it really has started to grate me down. I have lost all my female friends because of the way he is and he won't even let me go out with my sister because she is single so now my family are slowly being edged out of the picture too!!!

I have never slept with anybody else but I have a friendship with a man whom I have known since high school. We met at the children's school and he is married too. We just started off as just talking at school but now it has turned into more because now we arrange to meet once a week for a chat etc....he is very nice to me, totally flatters me and makes me feel like a woman, not just a mother. I know this is very wrong but it just seems natural.

I know you are all going to say leave your DP but at the moment I can't do this. My children adore their daddy and he adores them, I just could not split them up.

I saw the way that PA was slagged off so I am fully expecting it but maybe sometimes people need to hear a bit about the full picture which sometimes drives people into having affairs. I do not think my behaviour is right, I feel very guilty each time I meet my "friend" but he gives me something that is clearly missing in my relationship and that is my only excuse for what I do.

Badgirl - Do you think it'll go any further than chatting?

You situation sounds different TBH! You DP is slowly edging your family out??????? Thats really not on and I don't blame you at all! Perhaps (aside from this issue) you need to stand up for yourself.... see who you want to see! How does he actually stop you going out??? He can't stop you going out with your sister!!! I mean what would he do if you juyst said "I'm going out on Saturday, I've arranged a babysitter if you won't watch the kids".?

I think to be honest that people dont see affairs as black and white - PA stated she was happish in her marriage but fancied some sex.

it sounds to me like you are being unfairly treated and losing friends must be hard.

if you're not happy and dont know how to fix it, get out rather than cheating - thats all I think.

When I saw your name MrsM I was quite afraid that I had upset you as I know you are going through a really hard time at the moment and truly feel sorry for you. Thanks for your post though, its really nice of you to offer me advice. Its very hard for me to walk away as I have a phobia which prevents me from looking after the children on my own at night so I would have deal with that firstly and I do not think it is fair on the kids as they have a wonderful dad who would move the earth for them and despite what he's like with me I do care a great deal about him and am afraid what he might do to himself if I did leave him and take the kids!! It would kill him I know it would.

Toothache - thanks for posting too. Yes I do think it could go beyond chatting by that I mean kissing. I could never have sex with him whilst I am with DP and he is with his wife, I have made that clear but I am attracted to him and we are getting closer.

As for the going out thing, I crave female company so much, thats why I am always on here!!!! I would so love to go out with a group of girls and not even chat to men just have a laugh but he does not believe I could do that, he thinks we will chat to men and he cannot stomach it!!!

I do believe he has drove me to it although there is no excuse for the lies and betrayal is there???

Also, the last time I went out he was having a go at me whilst I was getting ready and right up to the point me going out was telling me I couldn't go but I just ignored him. He physically tried to stop me but then my DD came in and asked him what he was doing and so he stopped and I went out!!! I was crying by the time I got in my friend's car and it just totally ruined the night!!! I just thought to myself that it wasn't worth the hassle. The next day we were going to split up but seemed to sort things out. I always do it for the kids.

Cant we just have male friends?
I have got one in particular and he is just that...a male friend. he comes round for coffee and a natter. He is drop dead gorgeous and is known to all of our friends as "gorgeous X".
But to me he is just "X" and is very good company.
He has been friends with me and dh for about 18 years. He bobs round whether dh is home or not, dh has no problem with it at all.
Never in a million years would i think of him as any thing other than a very good friend...even though he really really is GORGEOUS and SCRUMPTIOUS!!!!!COOOOR!

I understand what you mean when you say he makes you feel like a woman and not just a mother - that is because my own mother went through a similar situation and this is one of the things she told me. I believe this is why marriage has to be worked at and not taken for granted - the couple have to work really hard and there has to be a lot of give as much is there is take.

Although i am older than what your kids probably are I found my parents divorce very hard to deal with especially as they had been together for a very long time. It destroyed us as a family and I have to agree with MrsMiggins here...just get out if that's what you want, it will cause less heartache in the longrun. I think your childrens' happiness is top of the agenda here too.

Sorry if i've not been much help. I'm talking from the child's view iyswim.

I wish you all the best and hope that things work out. Hope that your DP can take time to talk this through with you, seems that he doesn't realise how you feel. All the best x

I would describe my friend as more than a friend though Donbean, thats the trouble, I wish we could just be friends but its beyond that now.

Oh....and not just marriage but relationships themselves!

Thanks ChaCha but the reason I stay with him because of my kids. He's a great daddy and the kids adore him. I couldn't split them up as he has never been without them for longer than a couple of nights at the most since they were born (they are 5 and 3). I think if I did come clean, I would have to walk away from all 3 of them and I just couldn't do it....

Ok so what would clinch it for me is whether or not you meet for chats and....cake?
My gorgeous friend comes to mine for coffee and cakes...he is waiting to be ravished if cakes are involved!

Sorry hun, just making light of a very difficult situation for you and i dont mean to be flippant.
I hope you work it all out and do what is comfortable for you x

Having read your posts I think you are seeking something missing from your life with this man - teh ability to be you not wife or mother. Perhaps you shoudl seek out new friends rather than living this half life with your dp and a friend who cannot be truely part of your life. I think you need to find a way of joining your life together so that you feel better and then you would find yourself in position wher ebecause you have no guilt you will make better decisions. HOpe this makes sense - have been in similar position many years ago

What you say Gothicmama is right, yes I would prefer to save my relationship with my family but DP is so unchangeable. I think all I really want is my own space to be a woman (i.e going out with the girls) and he has never given me this. He even gets jealous of Mumsnet!!! He hates me making new friends too. He just wants me to exist for him and kids and his Mum and Dad nobody else is allowed in!!!!

A hard situation my XH was very controlling I left in teh end after starting a friendship with another bloke which in turn led to its own complications in that he was not what I wanted merely what I needed to move on from my marriage. i hope you find strength inside yourself to build teh life you want

I'd never thought about that one FG. Do you think he could be like that with DD? TBH I don't think we will be together by the time she is old enough to go out anyway. I think one day I will leave him but just haven't the strength whilst the kids are so young.

He does control the money. I am quite rubbish with money and so let him but he goes mad if I spend anything without asking him first!!!