moving in?

[snowedundersnowedin]

have namechanged for this as dp knows usual name. Gonna be long, sorry.
We don't live together - I have a 4 bed detached house and he is in 1 bed flat.

We've been together for 18 months or so now, and I really do love him. He stays here often and is great at helping with the garden, tidying up and is even learning to do some cooking.
He has 2 dd's who live with their mum, he has them one evening every week and every second weekend. For a while they were staying at mine those weekends (I have 2 ds, same ages), but now they stay at his flat, and he sleeps on the sofa for those nights. This is because his ex and he have appalling relationship, and dsd1 particularly, manipulates this by telling tales, stirring trouble and goading both of them into having a go at each other, so I decided that although am very fond of both dsds it ws easier for me and mine if they didn't stay with us.
dp is having trouble making ends meet - although he has a good job, by the time he pays maintenance (which he does without complaint, and more than csa would require), rent, utilities etc he often has month left at the end of the money, and I'm often subbing him.
He's considering moving out of his flat and going to share with someone he works with - a girl. Apparently she's in a relationship, v happy, spends nearly all her time at her bfs and doesn't have a problem with his girls being there. I however am not keen .
The other option is for him to move in with me...but I'm just not sure I'm ready for that. Am I being a complete cow?

What does he say, has he talked about moving in with you or is it a moot point in his mind as you vetoed the weekend stays?

Has he talked about getting married?

Nooooooooooooooooooo don't let him move in just because he's threatened he'll live with another woman instead!

To be honest, I would be wary of a relationship where the step children were very hostile. You want to bring your children up in a happy home, not where there's trouble and goading.

Also, not to sound too materialistic, but you are a bloody good catch for him, financially. Wouldn't you rather meet someone who was equal financially, so that you weren't subbing him all the time? I'd rather have a man who took on extra work rather than expecting his single mother girlfriend to sub him - doesn't he realise you need to support your own family?

I wouldnt have liked the children staying at mine because its meant to be their time with their dad . I wouldnt like the subbing either and couldnt be in a relationship with someone who cant manage their money. That would be a red flag for me im afraid.

Often its about lack of budgeting instead of lack of money . Does he drink / smoke / eat out , buy pc games ect , or is he very carefull ?

Why on earth did he rent a one bed flat if he has 2 children ? Your comment about " and is even learning to do some cooking " wouldnt sit well with me.

snowed

Would ask what you are getting out of this relationship now.

Would have to concur with the others and he stands to gain far more than you do. This all sounds a bit of a mess to be honest; I would actually take the rose tinted glasses off and look at all this very carefully.

I would be also concerned about you subbing him out as that sounds like you're enabling him. None of what is happening with him currently is a recipe for a happy household.

I agree with the others, he sounds like he is not going to be good for you and your children for many reasons. He would need to work on having a good relatinoship with his children and his relationship with his ex and his finances before I would consider him moving in with me if i were you.

Well, his girls are actually fine with me - it's just that the older one is going through a phase or something, I don't really know - she got suspended from school, is allowed out awfully late (imo), and apparently (from friends with children at her school), is in with a not that desirable crowd. She seems to enjoy winding up her parents and causing rows between them, although she's always perfectly behaved when she's at mine - the fallout from visits just got too much for me.

The remark about cooking was kind of a joke - I make a lot of stuff from scratch, and he's been learning, but he's always been pretty domesticated!
He's careful with money, honestly, it's just that rents are very high round where we live - and the 1 bedroom was all he could afford when he moved back to the area. Prior to that, he was working in a city about 3 hours drive away, but had a 2 bed place for when he had the girls. That situation is probably partly my fault, because when he took the flat I'd said he could have the girls here at weekends, but reneged on that when his ex's behaviour after each visit got unbearable.
He hasn't suggested moving in with me - but a couple of my friends have said that they think it's the obvious solution. I just don't know what to do

The man needs to sort out his family before adding to it, his family are his children and their family is their mother, adding to his family is you and your dc, it is in your interest that he has a nice, calm happy family as why do you want to bring that kind of tornado into your dc's lives. Has he had had family therapy with his family, as they sound like they need to work out unresolved issues from when he and his ex were together?

exp won't go to any type of mediation/therapy.

why?

Ah sheesh - I don't really know. She's not very nice I don't think. She's happily engaged to someone else and they'd been apart for yeeears before he met me, so I have no idea.
She does seem very volatile, and has had numerous fallings out with friends and family over the years, she also falls out with their daughter all the time too - dp had to stop her from dragging her out of the house by the hair a few weeks ago when he went to pick them up
That's a whole other thread though - I just want to know if I'm being a bit mean to say I don't want him to rent a room from the girl from work to give him a chance to save up some money, when I don't think I'm ready to ask him to move in with me either?
He's said that he wants to be able to treat me, and pay his way, I know he feels bad about the financial disparity between us.

I wouldnt do it.
Are rents that high that he has a shortfall every month ? If so how do all the other single people manage ? He stays at yours often , so basic heating and electricity cant be much and he must be saving on shopping. Does he contribute at all towards these things when hes at yours , or bring shopping ect ?

You dont want the kids at yours so its not going to work out , and like others have said , it would be beneficial for him in lots of ways.

How are his children going to feel about him moving in with this woman ? Do they know her ? Id have thought it important he has somewhere nice where they can enjoy spending time with him instead of them staying in other peoples homes.

The apalling relationship he has with his ex would bother me a lot , whatever the cause of it is. You ask if your being a complete cow , of course your not , its your house , your life and you owe him nothing .Im wondering if you sort of feel responsible for him , in subbing him , and letting him have his children at yours at the weekends.

I honestly could not have a relationship with a man who will have me subbing him , he knows youve got your own family to worry about. Presumably your on a similar income or your rent / mortgage is equally high ?

I would look again at whats going on with his money if hes got nothing left at the end of the month.

Wow that must have been scary for you to see his daughter being pulled by the hair like that, what did you both do about it?

Why on earth did he have children with someone like that? Gosh I so would not want to have anything to do with him if he has not had therapy for making that kind of decision! I would run a mile!

What is he actually doing to improve his financial situation , aside from considering moving in with this woman ? Is overtime available , can he not get a second job if even for just 2 nights a week ? ( Ive delivered pizza and other crap jobs in the evenings when things have been tough ) and id rather do that than than have someone sub me.

Is he able to downsize his car to a cheaper model / look around for a cheaper mobile deal ect , cancel sky and suchlike ? Can he take a packed lunch to work ?

I'm lucky - sort of. No mortgage, v comfortably off because we lost dh nearly 7 years ago.
dp wonders now sometimes how he ever had a relationship with ex, although they were both v young, and from what I've gathered, she had a crappy upbringing herself and so is just revisiting that with her own kids.
As for the hair dragging incident - dp took daughter to his for the night, but by the next day she wanted to go home and see her mum - doesn't seem to matter what mum does, it's all ok after the initial screaming and fighting has died down - so far from my understanding and experience, I can't tell you!

dignified - lots of overtime, car is totally paid for (v old, but good nick and reliable), no sky, and packed lunch already as we're both on diets just now!
He buys shopping when he's at mine, and he's not got any debt, credit cards or anything - he is doing his best.

Snow, I am sorry that your last relationship ended as it did. Snow, when relationships end as your bf's has, and has all the complexities as it has, he will carry it into your family along with his children carrying it into your family. You need to protect your children from his stuff, and he needs to deal with his stuff, he really should have therapy for himself at least and if he can for himself and his children in family therapy if his ex will not do it, or you will have all that drama in your life and your children will grow up damaged as his daughters and his wife are and that will continue on to your grandchildren and so on! He may have been young, the thing is there was something that attracted him to the ex, and he needs to work through that to learn about himself, or he will bring it into your relationship!

Have no need of more drama, that's for sure. At least she seems to have grown out of the chucking things through living-room windows stage!
Didn't do it to me, but a friend she fell out with - painted a rude word on their car too

"I just want to know if I'm being a bit mean to say I don't want him to rent a room from the girl from work to give him a chance to save up some money, when I don't think I'm ready to ask him to move in with me either?"

I think all you can do is tell him that his living with another woman makes you feel uncofortable. That's about it. Then it's up to him what he does with that information. Ideally he'd find another flatshare.

Beautiful - fingers crossed, am going to broach it when he comes over later - after X Factor! Thanks to all of you for your wise words. Even if it was hard to hear some of it, I know it was for my own good

snowedunder why don't you wnat him house shairng with a girl from work? Don't you trust him? Would you feel the same if it was a man from work?

I'm glad you're not considering moving him in with you, if you don't even trust him.

tbh, if I was in the same situation, I wouldn't be comfortable with it either, I don't think it means you don't trust the person.

If it was me, I would go back over the questions and go quite deep into it, repeating questions if he tries to slip out of awkward questions and only responds to the bits that are comfortable as you do, pin him down as to what is really going on, why he was attracted to his ex, why he and she can't go to family therapy, and why his only option is to live with this woman from work, enjoy Xfactor x

I don't understand why people are being so hard on your DP?

I think he should rent a room with his friend (Her being a woman is totally irrelevant) and you should carry on as you are until you are both ready to make a commitment to living together.

Don't move in together, if you couldn't cope with the fall out of his daughters visits then, you'll have no way of escaping from them by moving him in.

I know its not ideal for you for him to be sharing with another woman, tbh it would freak me out a bit , but if he's doing lots of overtime, got his daughters and spending time with you, he's not actually going to see her that often and she spends a lot of time at her boyfriends, so I wouldn't sweat it, it sounds like it would really help him a lot financially.

He's got to be able to stand on his own two feet and keep his pride, which this will allow him to do, you might actually make him feel like a charity case if you offer him to move in with you tbh (not good for your relationship). The power would shift over to you, YOUR house etc, weighed down with the day to day crap of living together and the shine would soon come off your relationship.