My dad isn't bothered about me or my DC...

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Just a rant really...

Some background: my DM died when I was 11 and my DF married my SM when I was 24 after having been with her for a while. I am my DF's only DC and my DC are his only DGC. My was also previously widowed and has three grown up DDs and five DGC. Since I didn't grow up with my SM I don't think of her as a SM, more as my DF's DW iykwim. I don't find SM an easy person to get on with, among many ishoos she has my DF completely under her thumb. But that being said, I totally accept that she comes first with him, he is happy with her and I'm glad he isn't on his own and lonely.

We (me, DH and our DC) live a good 2 hour drive from DF/SM and we see them around every couple of months. Usually this involves us visiting them. They are not keen on visiting us and much prefer us going up to be part of the crowd at one of SM's family gettogethers. SM's family mostly live very near by and DF/SM's lives revolve around spending time with them and being on hand to help out with school runs, babysitting, etc.

One of thee rare occasions that DF/SM usually come to visit us is on my DC's birthdays. Both my DC have birthdays close together in January and we always have a family party, inviting my ILs, DF, SM and her family. So I phone up yesterday to say which date we have arranged for the next birthday bash. I deliberately chose a date that was convenient for Dstepsis as I knew DF/SM would be annoyed if I didn't take her into consideration. It is the date of my DS's birthday and roughly the date we always have for the party. But SM said "Oh, I'm doing the refreshments at church that day, DF can come on his own with Dstepsis and family. At which DF starts stammering on about how he didn't want to come without SM and he and SM can always come another time. I know what will happen, he and SM will not "come another time", there will just be another invite for us to go to yet another SM family bash.

I'm so pissed off, why can't my DF make the effort once a year to come and see his DGC on their birthdays when he spends so much time with SM's DGC?

perhaps you could tell him as calmly as possible that it is important to you that he come to the party and would really like him ther?

Hey...my DF has never visited me...he wants me to visit him, and then when I do, he watches TV or goes to sleep.

He has never had much interest in me or my sister, or any of our kids. I've just got used to it. He's not worth the effort. I have lots of friends who will always come visit if I'm down or having a bad time.

I can't change him...wish I had a lovely dad, but he really is a selfish git! Sorry no help, but to let you know there are others in the same boat...sometimes makes it feel a bit better!

What was it like growing up OP, just you and your dad after your mum died? That must have been so tough for you. Not surprising that you want him to play a role in your life now.

However, he sounds a little fearful - my guess is he was lonely for years and is so glad to have someone (your SM) with him now that he is doing anything to keep in her good books. Also he sounds as though he has become emotionally dependent on her (so he is afraid to go away without her).

Have you maintained the relationship with your dad in other ways, eg regular phonecalls? Emails?

My feeling would be not to force the issue over the dc's birthday, but to try and build and maintain the relationship in other ways. Hard though it is with a domineering SM, this may be a better situation than the alternative - a lonely dad whom you would have felt very responsible for.

Thanks for the messages. almostgrownup I think you have the situation exactly, my DF is I think very grateful to my SM for "rescueing" him. When they got together I was becoming an independent adult and he was facing being on his own (he has no other family) but instead he has become part of SM's extended family. The refusing to come on his own thing is a loyalty test thing that SM has pulled before. She says "oh, you go without me" and I suspect that if DF said "fine" and went he would have to suffer a lot of grief from her and that is more of a threat than upsetting me/not seeing his DGC.

I do make regular phonecalls (once a weekish) but if SM is in the house DF hands the phone to her within a minute or 2 saying "you must want to speak to SM" and if I am chatting on the phone with him she will usually talk to him/ask questions which makes it difficult to maintain a conversation. We do email occasionally but he doesn't check his inbox often enough to make it a via way of communicating and he can't get to grips with texting on his mobile. Actually just realised SM sounds rather sinister doesn't she

controlfreakery also has a point in that I do need to say something rather than stew, along lines that I am disapointed that he is not coming and maybe add that I have often attended their family bashes without my DH in tow and they would be upset if I used DH as an excuse not to come.

And finally fizzfiend, maybe I do need to accept that he will not put me and my family first ever and stop making so much effort, in particular stop traipsing down to visit them so often when there is so little reciprocation.