how do I cope

[ladyrider1969]

We've been married for 20 years, but living apart for the last 2yrs, although we were still together, in June this year I found evidence in one of his drawers that he'd been having an affair, things went crazy after that for a while, I attempted to take my life twice, then he begged me for us to get back together, which we did, although he's still not living with me, my problem is how do I get him and this other women out of my head and move forward, the thoughts in my head are killing me. I've told him to reasure me, which he does to some extent, but it's not enough and I need more, I'm pushing him away though I want him so much and to be a family again. I'm really in a mess.

My heart goes out to you. You are probably still in shock as you are still in the early stages.I am not sure how you can get thoughts of the ow out of your head, I think it just takes time.
Relationship councilling may help.
Sorry I am so vague,I am in a recovery from dh's affairs myself and am still looking for answers.

Thankyou for your reply, it's not easy is it? It's really doing my head-in & affecting the kids too, my daughter who's only 12 has been SO supportive even though she doesn't know all the details, I dont know what I would of done without her, The ow was her best mates mum. I just need hubby to be more attentive, is that really too much to ask.

No it isn't.He has to do his absolute best to prove to you that he's sorry.
Is he being honest with you ? Is he answering all your questions ?

Hi ladyrider1969, I know how you feel as I am in a similar situation.

I do believe that in time you will hate the ow less, it is hard in the beginning but it will get better. If you want to remain as a family, one piece of advice I give you is to make sure that DH promises absolutely no contact with the ow. Focus on your marriage and make sure your DH does too. Try not to push DH away as you do not want him seeing the ow again.

The first time my DH cheated it took me ages to get ow out my mind, I had to see her all the time but in time you can move on.

Take care. Be strong.

As far as I know he's being honest with me. That's my point to him...he dosen't seem sorry enough. I've told him what I need him to do, but he just says I'm pushing him away cos I'm so cold towards him, he thinks I'm testing him and maybe unconsiously I am, but I need to feel wanted.

Thanks Madness, I will try but it's SOOO fricking hard, I see her around town all the time, I was having panic attacks even at the thought of seeing her, but am managing to control that recently. I'm just in tears all the time. I am SOOO mad at him for doing this to us. I hate what he's done but I love him soo much. I am torn.

I will be seeing my DH's ow tomorrow night at a social function. We both ignore her !
Fact is, she exists and lives near (nothing we can do about it). It will get easier I think you are still very raw. And yes you do need him to show that he is sorry and wants to put it behind you both.I take it he has NO CONTACT WITH HER ?

No he has no contact with her. Yes I am still VERY raw but I do want to get over this, I just dont know how to move on, I need for him to 'show' how sorry he is.

I do know how you feel. My DH saw the ow again this year and I am still completely heart broken and cry everyday. I want him to show me how much he loves me and how sorry he is but I'm also not letting him due to my hatred for what he did.

Maybe you could do some counselling together to find out what you love about each other. Agree for him to spend time with you regularly (meals out, cinema etc). I think it is important for him to spend time with you alone, doing the things you enjoy. Maybe this will bring back some happiness.

I also find that when I am busy I have less time to think about the OW. Try and surround yourself with friends who will support you.

Time is a healer. You need time for the event to get out of your system, it is a bit like grieving, so let yourself be upset because 'bottling' it up does not help either. Again counselling just for you may help you.

'Madness'...I did try counselling but they couldn't help as I wasn't seen as a 'mental health case' so they couldnt do anything for me, so I ended up opening my heart to someone only to be told there was nothing they could do.

I need him to understand how much he has hurt me with his betrayal, I am devastated & like you I cry everyday, I just want it to go away.

Are you still with your husband?

We seem to have the same issues here, maybe we could help each other.

Sounds like you do need to get some counselling. Not sure who turned you away - the NHS? If so, there are plently of private counsellors around; or perhaps you could try Relate.

LadyLapsang....Yeah was nhs, I think couselling would defo help, but the ones I've looked at are very pricey and I know you can't put a price on this but I really cant afford it a minute.

LadyLapsang...yeah was nhs, I think counselling would defo help, but the ones I've looked are very pricey, I know you cant put a price on this, but I really cant afford it right now.

I am a bit . Surely if you were separated he could see who he wanted?

OMG... er no, we were living apart NOT seperated....BIG difference

If you are married why are you living apart?

Hi, I would love to help as I really do know what it feels like. I am upset because I can't believe that my life has ended up like this, I never imagined that this would happen to me and I feel incredibly lonely. Unless someone has been through it, no one understands the hurt, humiliation and the loss of self esteem that this brings. I talk to friends but they just don't understand and think I should just get over it and move forward and forget the past (I just can't this time). So I do know how you feel.

Try Relate for counselling, it is means tested and they are experienced with these problems. It didn't work for me but I think it was more the counsellor, he dodged around the whole 'affair'.

I am still with DH only because he wont leave. He insists he doesn't want the OW and wants me. I'm more upset that he wont respect me and my wishes more than anything. I think DH has a problem with being honest to himself. By the way, I am seeing a solicitor soon but it has taken me ages to get this far.

I did post a question before, asking what remorse was. I am not sure really as I really don't feel I have seen much from DH. This is why I say that if your DH is willing to make an effort and you want your marriage to work, find things which make you happy but let him know. I would want my DH to make the effort to arrange nights out, to make me feel wanted, to appreciate what we have been through and for all the forgiving I have had to do.

On a positive note, the fact that you want to make things work out with your DH is great and just try and focus on that. Once you feel the happiness come back, slowly the sadness will go.

I am out now but will catch up with you soon.

Thanks Madness, I agree, unless you have been or are going through this you have no way of understanding, hugs

Ladyrider- what you feel is real regardless of whether anyone has direct experience of this issue. I have (long time ago) so have great deal of empathy for you. The pain is sometimes unbearable.

Looking back now I am sad that I wasted such a long time feeling angry, humiliated, hurt and of course the anger was covering the hurt. It's sometimes easier to be angry than to hurt.

To be honest (and I don't mean this to be critical) I don't think whatever your bloke does (or doesn't do) will be enough to assuage the hurt that you are feeling. I remember the feeling of wanting things back to normal but working against that was my continuing anger, and his guilt which he also covered with anger. I didn't know what I wanted - one day I wanted to know all about her, what they did etc., and then would start having a fit when he tried to answer - then the next day things would calm down before I was off again and more rows and accusations etc etc.

We parted for a while (he went to college some distance from home and rented a flat) and we used to write to each other. In that way, we could say what we honestly felt and I learned a lot by what he wrote to me, and how he wanted to make things up to me but didn't know how. It helped a lot as it meant we weren't shouting at each other.

The other thing (and I hate to say it as it is a cliche) time does heal. It used to feel like a football in my stomach, and then over time shrank to a tennis ball, then a golf ball, then a small bubble. Sometimes I took 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I was lucky to have friends in whom I could confide. It does helpt to talk and I agree that CBT counselling could help.

It is something that you won't "get over" but it will shake down into something much more manageable over time, BUT it does take time. Be honest with each other, even if you have to write to each other. I used to get rid of some of my anger by just writing it down, in huge letters with a big black pen (only for me) - sorry I am rambling and not sure if this is any help.

Just to say I do sincerely wish you well and hope that things get sorted for you.

Thankyou NanaNina, things not great right now, as he's had enough of my 'brickwall', but thankyou so much for your kind words, you talk alot of sense. hugs

Second going to Relate, they will charge you on a sliding scale depending on your income.

Why had you been living apart for two years, one of you relocating for work?

He moved out to give us both a bit of space, things were improving or so I thought, silly me, eh? I will suggest relate but things really not good at the mo.

You can go to Relate on your own if you like, you don't need to go as a couple. You could always put your name down and then make a decision whether to go alone or as a couple nearer the time.

Ive pushed him too far, he can't deal with me anymore, I'm hurting so much, I cant go on

please keep talking ladyrider either on here or to the Samaritans.