Do this many differences mean its 'the end'?

[MrsWattingerInDespair]

DH and I been together for 13 years.

Have 3 kids under 5, (youngest 5 months).
Lately we disagree on almost everything.

We have very different views on raising the DCs and living life and it is causing constant bickering and arguments. Weekends are spent fighting and usually him going into work to escape. Evenings lately he puts the older 2 to bed and then never comes back downstairs. I sit waiting for him to enjoy our 1hr of the day alone together but he doesn't show up.

I am a SAHM and am turning into Monica-Geller-from-Friends-type, trying to organise the family and 'do' things at weekends. DH has no interest in playing Chandler to my Monica. He wants to spend the weekend lying on the sofa watching tv and getting takeaways. I want to get shopping done, cook fun meals, see people, take kids somewhere fun, spend time with him as I don't get much time with adults. I want to seize each day by the scruff and feel the need to 'do' things with my days - (possibly due to death of my mum and realising how quick life can be.)
He says 'relax' all the time but I don't want to! Things (shopping for example) need to be done. We can't just loll around all day like he wants to.

Also, he has some dodgy personal habits(burping, farting, nose-picking etc usual stuff)that never used to bother me but now I feel it sets a bad example to the kids. And it drives me mad that he encourages them to copy him. I don't want my DCs turning out like mini Rab C Nesbitts (is that his name? with the vest??)

And last but not least... DH smokes and it repells me. 13 yrs ago when we got together I smoked too, then I gave up in 2005 and now am very anti-smoking. He smokes (outside, admittedly) about 20 fags a day and he stinks. He has no interest in giving up. Loves his fags, doesn't care about effects on his health. I feel repelled by it and he feels rejected but not enough to change.

In summary, we are not on the same page and I worry this might be serious. Does anyone have any advice as I'm getting so worried. I love him but maybe we're drifting apart...?

Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to make it work?

Is there anything about him you aren't trying to change?

Um...it sounds like you have a lot of work to do. Your DH is clearly unhappy if he's just disappearing upstairs. And you're obviously unhappy.

But bear in mind that the comedy value of Monica in Friends is that she's neurotically controlling. I'm not saying that you're neurotically controlling, but if you're identifying with Monica then it might be worth thinking about whether you could, in fact, relax just a tiny bit.

Have you talked to him about all of this? It does sound like there's not a lot you like about him at the moment and there's no doubt that he's picked up on that as well.

I have to be honest, after a week at work I like being a tad lazy around the place on the weekend and would feel pressured if too many things were organised for me to do. Maybe he's just reacting to whatever is going on for him, or feeling that the goal posts have changed in your relationship? When you got together he was an accepted smoker and farter/nosepicker/burper etc, and now he's not.

I'm not standing up for him but I don't see enough to say it should be the end.

Hmm.
Yes I do want to stay with him and make it work. I didn't mention how he is a wonderful person/husband/father in most other respects. It just feels like I'm changing and he isn't...
I suppose I am being quite controlling... I hear what you are saying. It is food for thought...

cyclist I've tried talking to him about things but time is so short after we have got the kids to bed and he doesn't want to discuss it so it never happens. I think he does feel under attack. Ofcourse he is entitled to sit around as he works hard all week. It's just that that is the last thing I feel like doing so we are pulling in opposite directions.
I suppose I wanted to hear that this many differences isn't a problem and that its normal. Fighting takes so much energy and I don't think it is good for the kids to witness.
I fear this being the thin end of the wedge and I want to fix it before it gets worse..
Thank you for your replies. It has definately given me things to consider.

It does sound like you have changed things and he hasn't. This might be bothering him too.

In terms of getting out and doing things on the weekend - do you have the chance to do things for yourself so that he can lounge around (with the kids) and you pursue something? Or take one or two with you while you get out and about?

It also sounds like with 3 under 5 and the youngest only 5 months it's pretty busy and hectic. Give yourself - and him - a little break, especially if he is lovely in other ways.

BUT: you do need to talk to him.

Good luck! x

It sounds as though you're getting in a twist about things and relatively small issues are being blown up into major problems. Remember that if you're going to be married to your DH for life then you're going to have to put up with each other for (hopefully) another 50 years or so! In that time you're bound to get on each other's nerves, especially at times when there is a lot of stress going on, such as when you have three very young kids. The important thing is that you don't allow the fun to go out of the relationship. It does seem to me that your DH is feeling a bit judged and pressured and he's pulling away from you because of that.

Tonight why not just nab him, give him a big hug and a kiss and tell him you love him? No agenda, no ulterior motive, just something nice to finish off his week. If he acts surprised or a bit standoffish don't be put off, it sounds like things are a bit cold between you and it's going to take time for them to warm up again. He sounds like a pretty good bloke and he's allowed to be off from time to time. The only way it'll lead to anything bigger is if you don't let the small things go and he becomes properly distant from you. If you relax things for a little while you might find that he becomes more open to your suggestions and that things settle down again.

You stay at home with the kids, no wonder you are itching to get out at weekends. However, your DH is presumably out at work and wants to relax at home.Should he be wearing a suit to do this in?

I have to say I am exactly like your DH. I have little enough relaxation during the week, so weekends are for chilling out. If I had someone trying to organise my free time and judging me, I would be pretty pissed off. Oh, and I smoke too, and someone trying to emotionally blackmail me to stop would only have me puffing harder, so lay off.

Oh, and all men fart, BTW.

writerofdreams (and everyone else!) you were right. I was kinder to him yesterday and more relaxed and we talked a bit and it seems things are not as bad as I had thought. Think I had got a bit too wound up and negative about it all.
He is not perfect but neither am I and I've got a bit more perspective today. Think a week of sleepless nights has been fogging up my brain.
Am going to relax (even if only 'acting relaxed' sometimes) and will do things with just one child or two and see how that goes.
Fingers crossed.
Thank you all for your kind advice.
MN is great.

You are lovely, I just wanted you to know that.

Try this book seven principles for making marriage work.

If you could both read it, it might help you work together a bit more.