I have debated whether to post this but you are a wise lot and may be able to see things in a different light, and either knock some sense into me, or suggest how I can deal with this.
I want more involvement with my mother than she wants to give, is the essence of it. Not an unusual situation, in and of itself, and I'm not throwing my toys out of the pram because she won't babysit. This is deeper than that and cuts to core of our relationship, which has a very skewed power base.
She is a warm, very generous, exceptionally funny woman who has had to deal with a lot. She brought me up (I am an only child) and I am thankful. And respect her. Lots of things she did and exposed me to were not ideal, but still, I'm here, had a good education and in general have a warm relationship with her. She is lovely with my daughter really gets down to her level but isn't that engaged. Said one time "Oh, she's walking", when she'd been walking the last time we saw her. Sometimes forgets to ask about her on the phone. Nothing criminal, of course - just giving you a flavour.
I was living and working abroad and had my daughter, now 2, out there. We kept in touch, but not very frequently we've never lived in others' pockets. But before I had her, I flew her out and took her around SE Asia (she loved it) and when I had my daughter flew her out again for 4 weeks. Then she was not so involved and tended to go out all the time and eat apart from us and she wasn't hands on with my daughter, although not so cold and distant you'd think it was weird. Ho hum, I thought, maybe she's not into babies fair enough.
We returned from abroad about a year and a half ago. I've probably seen her five or six times (we all live in London). Most other times she's blown me out. She blew me out on Christmas day as I was putting the turkey in (I'm so knackered, do you mind?). She blew out coming to dinner saying she had to go to neighbour's daughter's first birthday (she doesn't see the irony). About four times out of five she comes up with excuses
She works (she's 59, I'm 39) decorating a very big notable house an hour's drive away. She is understandably knackered. But has been doing jobs on this woman's house for about a year with no break and she doesn't properly charge for it. When we do see her she constantly moans about it and says she's so tired. But something about doing it she likes. I think she gets to feel important, needed, respected.
Another thing to note is that she has 'Trebused' her big house -- partly it is stuff she uses for her job piled up really high so she can get to it. But it gives her to opportunity to say we can't visit her because it's not safe. So in the year and a half I've been back I've only been there twice for about an hour.
So I ask her with a months notice would she like to drive with us to France (she loves France) to stay in a gite to celebrate both my daughter's and my birthday (it's the same day). Basically a long weekend, expense free and no babysitting wanted as this was the depths of Normandy so nowhere to go out. She said she'd think about it but agreed she needed a break and that it would be nice.
I knew deep down she'd come back with a 'no'. And she did. She said she wanted to crack on painting this woman's windows "because it's coming up to Christmas and this lady's family is visiting she needs it done". I wish my mother had just said she didn't fancy a trip right then because I did feel resentful, disappointed and yes -- a bit rejected. So I told her that a few days wouldn't make much difference blah blah. It got heated, she really bridled and although we didn't shout at each other, she felt hectored and ended up saying "the way you carry on, it's like you're saying I don't love you". "Maybe you don't" was my reply (yes, unwise, I know) and she hung up on me. That was six weeks ago. A present for my daughter came and a card and I sent her a nice thank you note (honestly, a straight up pleasant and thankful one, no passive aggression)
Of course. She can live her life as she wants. She can disengage if she wants. My child isn't her responsibility. Sometimes I feel bad about the words we had and feel ridiculously childish that I haven't picked up the phone. After all, this is potentially getting in the way of a good, if infrequent, relationship with her granddaughter. But at other times (just now as I was sitting in my daughter's room as she fell asleep) tears well up and I know that deep down I have to come to terms with the fact that although my mother might love me in the intellectual sense, she wants to disengage.
I also suspect that my mother (usually quick to make up) might be upset and hurt, but secretly glad in a way that she is off the hook. She also moans about the duty she feels visiting her 98 year old father who lives in his own home ok, but needs visitors every two weeks.
Just some things to say so I don't drip feed.
She had me young and she and my father (violent, but more of the controlling, smashing up the place, violent outburts and then fucking off for days to shag other women) had a tumultuous relationship. I was involved in this as I witnessed it and was my mother's confidante. At ten I knew things about relationships and sex people NEVER learn about.
While my father had affairs (and I was driven to one house once and she shouted that's 'where your father is') she had one longer one. I knew him and was driven round there on school nights to sit talking to his mother while she saw him
I used to sit up until small hours while my upset mother poured her heart out. This means in the relationship I am seen as the mother almost, I can see this playing out now.
As I got older and began to have a more intellectual relationship with my father (a genius type) she got jealous. It was as if she had the crap from him, I got the good side. It reached a peak when I got into Oxford. She got nasty whereas he was over the moon.
She wouldn't accept I was raped on my year off. I didn't tell my parents straight away but ended up having a breakdown but she says the psychiatrists played it down (I don't know what they said to her, I think they were more concerned with her to be honest). I am almost so hurt by this I've brushed it under the carpet.
She makes digs about my being materialistic (I'm only a skint journalist with a bad eBay habit) and also recently makes jibes about my breastfeeding (she fed me til 18 months for god's sake) past a year, co-sleeping, not leaving her to cry. Again, not the only mother to suffer this, but in this case I think she is almost trying to pop my bubble, take me down a peg or two.
The BIG ONE. Her husband, my father, killed himself 10 years ago. She retreated into her shell over time and old friends drifted away. But she does have new ones, neighbours, people she's worked for. I don't think we'll ever disentangle this and how it split us even further, but that's suicide for you and the law of unintended consequences.
But as I looked at my sleeping daughter I just thought "This, this person, is one of the unalloyed wonderful, good and tender things in life. We don't have a big family, we've both had a tragedy to deal with. Can't we come together and love each other better"
Then I calm down and think I'm just being self-absorbed and precious and silly and should just pick up the fucking phone, for God's sake. Some people don't have relatives at all.
Thank you for your patience.