NO interest in the past

[toadinabathingsuit]

There have been a few threads recently about jealousy at a DP's past. I think there's jealousy and then there's a healthy interest in your DP's past, especially if you meet a bit later in life when you've both lived a bit.

So what if your partner has no interest whatsoever in your past? Never asks you about your childhood, your first love, your university experiences, travel experiences, recent romantic past. Never tries to find out what experiences formed you and make you tick now. Is that healthy?

My DH is like this. I'm beginning to wonder about him and why he's with me.

that should read "jealousy about "

I don't think I've ever been out with a boyfriend who's been interested in my past . I've told them all about it, though, but I don't expect they remembered. In fact, I think I remember more about my DP's own past than he does (having grilled him about it when we first started going out about 20 yrs ago).

Do you feel it indicates he doesn't care about you? If he shows you he cares about you in other ways, does it matter?

I would find it weird. You married him, so it can't have bothered you then? Has he picked up various bits & bobs from family gatherings, etc, or are you a closed book to him?

I wouldn't worry - DH never asks me about those kind of things either. If he ticks all the other boxes then it doesn't matter. I think in general men are not so interested in stories about childhood, etc. If I start to talk about that kind of thing DH listens politely but that's about it.

The only boyfriend I ever had who wanted to know the ins and outs of my life turned out to be a control freak, so I'm very happy to be with someone the opposite end of the scale!

I would find it odd not to talk about what experiences I've had in my life. It's just something you'd do with friends/people you're in a relationship with, isn't it? For me, at least, it's a normal thing for me to want to know about what someone has done with their life, as I can understand who they are in a better way. I do remember these things as well, and would like to think that a partner would remember the things that I have said are significant to me.

But as other responses show, people are different, and clearly, to some, history is of little interest.

Thanks for responding.

I think DH is a box ticker, too. When we met I guess the "here and now" of what I was then (sorry for the mad mix of tenses) ticked all the criteria on his list; ie, similar interests, career, reasonably attractive (definitely in the past, that one!). Plus sexual attraction (also one for the past). It was all fairly whirlwind.

I married him because I loved him, liked him and respected him more than any other man I'd ever met. I think in my heart I've always suspected he...settled? I don't know if that's the right word. It's as if I could have been anyone, as long as I ticked the boxes, iykwim. He's never tried to know what makes me tick. Perhaps I'm the control-freaky one for thinking this is necessary.

But surely as you ticked all the boxes, he hardly settled . There can't be that many women who would be suitable. And maybe he knows what makes you tick from how you are with people, things you say etc etc.

Maybe he's just not a backward looking person. If he's happy in the relationship, then why would he need to be jealous, as he'd assume you felt the same?

Have you asked him?

It's not really about jealousy, I don't want him to be jealous about past partners etc. Just interested in past experiences, eg how/when I met my close friends. Just all the little pieces of the jigsaw that make up the picture. I am a details person, maybe too much into detail. I love hearing little nuggets about his past, stuff about his childhood and when he was a young man. It makes me feel closer to him and who he is now. I feel like I can see an all round person. I think I must be like a two dimensional cardboard cut-out to him. He knows stuff about my youth/past because I've told him in conversation, not because he's been curious to know.

I know this must sound rather juvenile and not a real problem, compared to all the problems talked about on here. I don't know why this is bothering me so much.

Dp is like this too. Infact he never asks me questions about opinions/past full stop. I just don't think he's that type of person really, he's happy bumbling along, will do anything for an easy life.

Probably not all that healthy, or maybe it is? He seems an awful lot happier than me half the time. I have tried to access his hidden depths, I came to the conclusion he doesn't have any

I know where you're coming from, OP. I'm like you.. I want to put all the pieces together but I don't think my DH is that bothered.

Try not to take it personally. He probably feels the same about friends etc too.

Dh has no interest in my past whatsoever. After 19 years of telling him all about it anyway, he only has a very vague notion of the more salient things of my childhood.

He absolutely adores me and makes me feel like he thinks he's the luckiest man alive to have me for a wife. But my past (or his, for that matter) is not a particularly interesting topic of conversation for him.

I'm like you, OP - I think it's interesting to hear stories of things that happened to DP in the past, because those things are part of what makes him who he is today. Or funny stories that make me laugh! Those might include ex-girlfriends or be from his childhood or whatever - I find him an interesting person and therefore I'm interested in the things he feels like talking about.

DP is the same, though, and he knows a lot about my life and the various funny or forming or important things that happened to me. I think we both see that sort of thing as the stuff you chat about when you're friends with someone - sharing experiences etc.

I don't think either way is right or wrong - it's just what you feel happy with or see as normal. Some men I know don't have much memory for their own childhoods, let alone anyone else's. My best friend's DH has no memory of his life before the age of nine! I find this absolutely incredible. And he is equally gobsmacked that I can remember being in my cot.

Thanks for all your responses. The general theme seems to be this is a bit of a bloke thing, with a few (enviable) exceptions to prove the rule.

The trouble is, it makes me feel really sad and lonely within my relationship. I feel like we are worlds apart and perhaps I'm grasping at the past to find some common ground other than children and the humdrum day to day stuff. A lot of my past involves people I am no longer in contact with, including most of my family and my ex of 13 years. I don't really have anyone to talk about this with. It's almost like I don't exist in the past and barely do in the present. Wordwearver , I really envy your situation.

Toad, I am really sorry you are feeling down about this. But what you say about feeling sad and lonely in your relationship is something you should take notice of - and make him take notice of.

I think it might have been Einstein who said something along the lines of the definition of madness being carrying on with the same situation and expecting something to change. Maybe you need to adjust the situation a bit?

Ultimately, if you are not feeling happy, which it sounds pretty clear you're not, maybe something needs to change within your life at the moment. And the absolute best person to discuss that with is your DH. He's your partner - you don't necessarily have to go to him with a problem all neatly packaged up and a clear instruction of what, if anything, he has to do about it. Can you say 'I am feeling a bit low at the moment and I don't fully understand why - can we talk about it?'

Do you think this is the real nub of the issue? I mean, if he started asking you the odd question about your past, do you think your feelings of loneliness within the relationship would go?

NOT that I am calling you mad, by the way! Just saying that logic would suggest you need to make some kind of change if you are feeling like this.

Thanks Wordweaver . I've tried talking to him. Over and over again. I'm in tears half the time, so he knows I'm not happy. There's just never any time to properly talk about any of this stuff. He works long hours, we have a toddler and a baby. We get about 30 mins- 1 hour a day to ourselves. I'll start to talk about it, then one of the DCs needs something or it's late or there's chores or he needs to work or whatever and it gets swept under the carpet until next time. I don't want to lay this all on him every time we have 5 minutes of child free time. There's lots going on with me, this "problem" is just one of many areas of my life I'm re-assessing. I'm starting counselling next week, so some poor sod of a counsellor gets to listen to me and ask me who my first love was and all the other crap that seems to matter to me so much.

My DH is just not interested in me and the essence of me. I'm the mother of his children and his wife and that's it. I'm a two dimensional, cardboard cut out of a normal person.

And actually, I think I probably am mad.

I don't necessarily think it means he doesn't know you, or even that he's not interested in you. He perhaps feels out of his depth, and doesn't know how to help, particularly as you have such little time. That's why counsellors exist, because they have more experience than DPs, and have the time and space to work through things.

Perhaps after you've spoken to the counsellor, you will feel differently about your relationship with DH. After all, DHs can't excel in all areas, and perhaps his other assets make up for it.

Having said that, I can understand why you feel as you do. You mention your first love twice - is that what you try to talk to your DP about? (Perhaps it's all too emotional and threatening for him?)

He probably is interested in you but just the you that he has known not who you were before.
I think men can compartmentalise very efficiently. Try not to take it too personally.
However, something about your last post hints that you are feeling taken for granted as a ''cardboard cutout.'' That dosn't sound healthy. I would go to your councellor and arrange some dates with your dh.

Well, going by Einstein's theory, you are definitely not mad, because you are making a change - seeing a counsellor.

I think that's a great move forward, and I hope that your first session goes well.

And I hope you know that you are NOT two-dimensional or a cardboard cut-out. It sounds as though you have lots to tell about yourself, lots to talk about, and that it WANTS to come out. And you have set up a situation for next week where that can happen. What day is your counselling on?

If - and it's a big if - it's true that your DH isn't interested in you as a person, that isn't somehow proof that you are fundamentally uninteresting. It would say more about him than about you, in my opinion.

But I think that for now, you are doing the absolute right thing in focusing your attention on yourself in a counselling session. Have you ever had counselling before? I have only had a tiny tiny experience of it - three sessions spread over the course of about 18 years - but each time it has helped me to put my feelings and thoughts into context and perspective.

It sounds as if you are really busy and don't have much time for yourself at the moment. Apart from the normal things of daily life, what do you do/have you done in the past that delights you? What do you enjoy?

Sometimes I get concerned that I don't have enough going on outside the house (cue 'I must start going swimming' thoughts) and a lot of that is because my job is also my biggest interest (writing) and therefore I can happily immerse myself in that and barely notice the sun rising and setting. But DP is different - he needs to do something that gets him out and gets the blood flowing, otherwise he starts getting cabin fever. Is there something you do or enjoy that feels as if it's part of you? It sounds to me as if your sense of identity is feeling a bit battered . . .

Now where's that swimming pool timetable?

I'm a swimmer too , was carving up the fast lane until 41 weeks pregnant. Have only been once since DC2 born, just no time. No time for anything post DCs, but if I'm honest, I started dropping my interests pre kids because DH wasn't that interested. I lived in London and lived life to the full, theatre, art galleries, concerts, dancing, whatever events were going on, I was there. I used to be social secretary for my friends. Travel, skiing, hiking, looking at the stars, national trust. Papers on Sundays, greasy spoons, cinema, watching old films on tv, going to the pub or a cafe and watching the world go by. Birdwatching! Wearing nice clothes for the sake of it. My career. Pro-bono work. Reading, reading, reading.

I've just become subsumed by domestic drudgery and mummyhood, neither of which sit well with me, I'm too selfish for this life. I possibly need to just grow up.

Thanks, Wordweaver , it's been good to talk about this.

Cretaceous , you make an interesting point about me mentioning first loves twice. I don't know if that's something in my subconscious trying to make itself heard or just a random example of past history. I'd perhaps say that, since I have an idea (although no great detailed knowledge) of DH's romantic past, I know that he loved and was loved and that makes me feel happy and sad at the same time and makes me feel closer to the younger him going through heartaches and euphorias and all the other stuff I went through. The fact that there's never been any reciprocal curiosity makes me feel like my history is negligible.

I need to stop banging on and go to bed. Thanks for your interest, I've been really touched that people responded to this.

The thing is, you sound to me as if you're not being selfish at all. And I think you need to have a bit of something for yourself, alongside being a wife and a mother. After all, you are an individual! (Shades of Life of Brian . . . ) Your feelings and dreams and thoughts are important.

How old are your DCs? Do you work? What are the top five 'drudgy' jobs around the house? Are any of them jobs that you could get done another way?

Of course I can see that some of the things you used to do are rendered very difficult with DCs around - but not all of them. And if your DH isn't up for doing them with you, have you got a local friend who might be up for the occasional trip to the theatre or dance classes or some-such? Couldn't DH babysit now and then?

You say you left London - what area do you live in now?

I agree with Wordweaver. So really what you're saying is - you need to get your life back! And why not? What you feel is perfectly normal. Housework is drudgery. That's why rich people employ cleaners, ironers, (nannies) etc!

Also, why did you give up your interests pre-children? You say it was because "DH wasn't interested"? Would he be happy for you to do these things? Or did you feel you ought to be doing things with him? Or did he discourage you? If it's something you want to do, you should do it anyway. No wonder you feel subsumed.

(Before, were you so busy and fulfilled with your own intereststhat you didn't notice that DH had no interest in your past?)

The good news is, you're going through the worst bit of having children. It gets so much easier. The only way is up now, towards finding yourself again.

Wordweaver , Cretaceous thanks for your further posts.

I know things will get better and I know at some point in the future I should be able to get out more and do some of the things I used to do. I just know I will not be doing them with DH. I have adapted to like the things he likes, he has not done likewise with my favourite things and don't think he ever will. When we got together, I did a lot of the things I like with him, but it became clear pretty soon that he didn't enjoy them. He can't even sit and watch a film without fidgeting.

We found some common ground (eg, discovered some new bands together to go and see) and, like I say, I tried to get into his stuff. In the first flush of romance, I didn't really think about all the things I was dropping (I don't think it was a conscious decision to drop them as such, just more a decision to do things he'd enjoy too), and things moved pretty quickly to marriage and kids. Likewise, I was so involved in the idea of "us", that the "me" part just fell by the wayside. I also had a busy and involved career to occupy my head. I have a lot of thinking time at the moment, while I'm doing all my mundane jobs, I'm probably focussing too much on negative things about DH.

Ultimately, I've messed up here, I talked myself into thinking he is some sort of soul mate for me and he's not. He's a lovely man and a loving husband and father, but he'll never be what I really wanted in a life partner.

I found out today that a friend has died suddenly. It's a sobering time. I need to stop navel gazing and get my head together and stop wasting my life, noboy else is going to do it for me.

Thanks again.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope that you have as good and peaceful a weekend as is possible. Be kind to yourself.

Please do keep posting if you want to. Sometimes it can help to put words on paper, so to speak.