Family feuds at Christmas - how to cope?

[marzipanfreak]

Sorry have posted this in 'Christmas' then realised it was probably the wrong place so have put it here. Have namechanged BTW - some of the people concerned are MNers and I don't want them googling me....

We have been estranged from DH's family for a few years. I would rather not go into details but FIL particularly did and said some horrible things to us and our children. Whilst MIL & other relatives on their side of the family didn't do much to us directly, they refused to 'get involved' and stood by him and what he had done.

Anyway, the issue is not whether or not we should be estranged, the issue is the way I cope with it all, particularly with Christmas coming up.

DH is very happy with the way things are now, and is relieved to not have his family in his life anymore. We never contact them in any way, but MIL sends birthday/christmas cards & money in the post for the children. After thinking long and hard we decided to let them have these things, because as much as we don't want them in our lives, we don't want our children to think that their MIL has forgotten them.

So anyway, I am also happy to not see them anymore as they were very draining, toxic people and the things they would say and do were always a worry as our children started to get older and be more aware of things.

So why do I feel so fecking guilty, particularly with Christmas coming up? Have we got it badly wrong accepting money for the children (which goes straight to them for them to spend as they wish, btw, and we do tell them who it is from....)? Or maybe it's because I do believe that deep down the in-laws do care for and miss our children - just not enough to act in an acceptable way which means we can have anything to do with them?

Basically why can i not just move on and stop feeling bad about it? I don't want this to cast a shadow over what would otherwise be a lovely time of the year....

Because you are a nice and caring person, who wants the best for everyone and who loves her children. :-)

that is very kind, thank you

You probably feel guilty because you are taking without giving back.

TBH if my ILs were so awful that neither my husband or I had anything to do with them then I wouldn´t accept anything for the children from them either.

diddl, I think you have kind of touched on what the problem is here, ie I'm not sure how I should play it with my children and their GP's.

We know our children are better off not being around them, at least whilst they are young enough for it to be our decision, and we are 100% certain about that. But do we have the right to decide that as far as we are concerned, our children will never have relationships with DH's family, unless they change certain things radically?

Or should I allow MIL to give our children money & cards (through us), so our children know that they are still thought of by her, and also therefore leaving the door open a little, should our children want to see them in the future (the thought of that leaves me cold but is it up to me in 10 or 20 years time?).

Our children are too young to be told the facts at the moment, but as they get older we will 'gently' tell them the truth about why we don't see DH's family, and then surely it's up to them? And I don't want MIL to ever be able to say to our children in the future that she tried to send letters/money/etc but we never allowed our children to get them!

Yes I think that you do have that right, especially whilst the children are young.

I always say that no GPs are better than crap ones.

If they don´t respect you or treat you badly for example, why should you let them have the pleasure of seeing your children just because of who they are?

My MIL witters on & on about missing her (only) grandchildren.

We are abroad & they have never visited.

When we go to UK Ifeel that I have to force myself to let the children see them as I don´t feel that they deserve it tbh.
Might sound petty, but

I suspect you feel guilty because, as a woman, you feel it is somehow your responsibility to make sure all the relationships work well, and therefore feel bad that the relationship has broken down and you can't fix it.

I think whatever you do in this situation will have pros and cons, so your solution is as good as any other - as you say, if you didn't allow MIL to give them cards and money then you could be accused of being unfair to her for that instead of being unfair by taking the card and money. Either way its not great, but you have to weigh up one agaist the other.

Hi Marzipan. You feel guilty because a small part of you thinks that you should have fixed this problem with your in laws and that you did not try hard enough. I am sure this is not true, your DH who knows them best of anybody is delighted not be to having anything to do with them.

I have personal experience of this. I have cut off my Mother and I have nothing to do with her, not even a Christmas card. She doesn't send anything to my chidren either. I have very good reasons and I don't feel guilty. Why? Because she is toxic and disruptive and I know that the most important thing is the emotional health of my DC aged 7 and 3 and the stability of my marriage, all of which she would undermine. I put my DH and DC first and this is an inviolable principle.

My DD aged 7 has asked several times about her and I have said that she is unhappy and therefore can be unkind and because I love my DD so much I don't want anything to upset her. She has accepted this well. I have in mind that if DD insists on seeing my mother I will introduce them when she is maybe 12, not before.

You do not need to feel guilty because you are putting your DC first and protecting them from hurt. Unfortunately our societal norms are to 'honour thy father and mother' but the 10 commandments do not unfortunately go on to provide any guidance in the event that they are poisonous individuals!

Re the money. I think you are doing the right thing. Your MIL may be in an impossible position. Do DC write to say thank you to her. I think that's important for all the usual reasons.

Also, I think that rubbish GPs are worse than none at all and besides, I assume that you see your parents so it's not as if DC have no GPs at all.

Hang in there, you are doing right thing.

Absolutely you are doing the right thing. We have no contact with my MIL because she is toxic and we didn't want to subject the DCs to what DH went through as a child. Also she hates me and has said/done some fairly unpleasant things. We let her know at the time that we would not accept anything from her for us or the DCs. They don't remember her, so that's not a problem, and when they have asked about her we have gently and quietly told them that she is not a very nice person and has been very hurtful to Mummy and Daddy, and that we don't see her because we don't want her to hurt or upset them. They accept this without further query.

It has been a great relief to me and DH that she is out of the picture - the stress she caused was too much to deal with. We got nothing from her but grief and aggro.

You have to do what is right for you and your family, so don't feel guilty. If they were worth anything, they'd have tried to put things right themselves. Keep the kids away until they are old enough to make up their own minds and look after themselves, and also emotionally mature enough to deal with it. In the meantime, I guess if the ILs want to send them money it's a bit late to stop them as you've already accepted gifts. I would get the DCs to write a polite "thank you" but leave it at that.

Don't let the situation ruin Christmas - after all, your DCs are getting the same number of presents they did before, with the added bonus of being able to choose one for themselves, so they won't be at all worried.

Just relax and enjoy the IL-free, stree-free Christmas you deserve. In time, it will all settle down.

Thank you for your replies, you have all really helped. I sometimes wonder if people 'out there' would be shocked that we have completely cut ourselves off from DH's own flesh & blood and I almost feel ashamed about it - so its good to hear it's not as uncommon as I sometimes imagine.

I think I also feel guilty because MIL always tried to be nice to us on the surface and would maintain that she wants to be in our lives; its just us not allowing that to happen. She is very quick to get upset and say how much she misses us, but if we ever dared to broach the subject of certain behaviours, she would just deny, deny, deny, or accuse us of exaggerating - which we're not, and infuriatingly, she knows we're not! So there is no way forward other than what we're doing.

I know I am very lucky that I am in a happy family (as in me, DH and the children), and also that I'm close to my 'birth' family and they have always been lovely and supportive, and to DH too. So I really do need to move on and accept what I can't change.