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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Truth or Polite Excuse?

3 replies

outsidemyself · 25/11/2010 01:36

Hello
Not sure what to do, so thought I would ask some opinions. I have a troubled young relative who lives thousands of miles away, we rarely get to visit with each other, yet we are close thanks to phone and internet. My dh and ds's and I are one of the few non violent, addicted relationships in her life. She met a guy in a group home and they began a relationship, and have been together for a couple of years. She has fetal alcohol syndrome and add, and has bad judgment, and no friends really. He is an abusive low life, who doesn't work, and is involved with criminal activity. They have a baby together. He has hit her and is a thief, therefore I do not want him in my home. They break up constantly.

She wants to come visit us, which is great, but he is not welcome in our home. I plan on saying we do not have enough room for him, but what if she tries to say they will all sleep together, or something? I would tell her the truth but the one & only time I criticized him (he hit her, and she showed him the message I sent her about it)I did not hear from her much for a long time.
I bite my tongue constantly as she is not stable, and has a miserable life, I do not want to add to her unhappiness, but we really do not want her scumbag bf in our home.
Should I tell her the truth or not? Currently they are broken up,due to him cheating, and she is pregnant again. But they could be back together by tomorrow!

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needafootmassage · 25/11/2010 06:18

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EnnisDelMar · 25/11/2010 07:00

This is so, so hard.

The thing is - even if you don't invite him, it may not protect her - behind this is a wish that she would see the light and perhaps leave him for good, but she sounds committed to him and that won't happen whatever you do.

So it's really down to whether or not you can countenance having him in your place, which fair enough, you cannot - I'd struggle with that too.

He probably sees you as a threat, which is inevitable.

I would suggest she comes alone with the baby - but yes, I think you will need to make it clear to her that she can't turn up with boyfriend in tow.

Hopefully she will understand your reasons.

outsidemyself · 25/11/2010 23:38

Thank-you so much for your replies. I know your advise is right and what I will have to do. I thought I will first say there is only room for her and the baby, and if she presses, will have to explain why we do not want him in our home.

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