I dream of a different life

[miserableexistence]

'D'P is no longer 'dear' to me.

I feel that I have been 'caring' for him for the last five years (since I met himm really)

He has mental health problems, depression, maybe BP. he was sexually abuse as a child by someone in a position of trust in his family. he says this is the root cause of all of his problems. I care about this deeply but feel I cannot go on allowing this trauma to excuse his behaviour to me.

We have had sex/been intimate 3 times in foiur years.he says he is a ot a sexual person. I feel bereft and deeply alone.

He has OCD and I have sent nearly five years doing everything to his liking to keep the peace. Tonight I got hoke 10 mins late and had not done all of my usual 'jobs'. Got his usual pasisve aggressive posturing and attitude. I lost my temper and said I was sick of having to comply!! he then verbally abused me infront of out four year old and 3 month old.

He said I am evil, twisted, he is sick of me , told me to off piss off etc, the usual.I am apparently to blame for his abuse, his estrangement from his family etc etc.

I wanted better than this for my family.

I am sorry, just really really need to 'tell' someone about how I am feeling.

Don't just dream, get one
ask him to leave

There is no law to say you have to keep looking after him. How would you like to see things change?

Thank you so much for reading and replying.
I have thought again and again about leaving.
I am afraid of being 'alone'. My mother was a single parent from when I was seven.It was a difficult life, financially, emotionally, iin lot of ways.

I am in a lot of debt as well, thats another story, most of it has been accured since being with DP,it has not been 'frittered away' though. i am deeply afraid that i would not be able to 'provide'for my children' without DP.

Sometimes he is kind, he is mostly a good father, involved, caring, he provided very well.

I feel so confused.

where is his family?
Who in RL are you leaning on?
Has your P had a proper diagnosis?
Why did you have another child with him?

Being a single parent is difficult. There is no doubt about that.

But I have always thought it is a more 'honest' difficulty than living with someone that you don't love or like, out of fear.

What lessons will your children learn then about relationships and about love?

As a basic rule, I think you should try to avoid making decisions based on fear.

You are not happy with him. You feel confused. I think you need to try carefully weighing up your various options - can he change, is relationship counselling an option, is counselling just for you something that might help, what are your financial options, who have you got to support you. Think it all through and then make a decision based on your desire to have a happy life, not one based on your fear of being alone.

Thank you Spero.; Logaically I know that many Single parent families do very well and are very happy (i know of several personally)
But the 'feeling'and fear of my own childhood remain with me. Feeling the ffragility and vulverability of my young mother, the anxiety around money, being alone so much etc etc. It goes so deep and is so hard to shake.

I wanted therapy, iniatially for him (I have had therapy and had a recommendation of a therapist who specialised in the area of abuse). He compltetely refuses. Also refuses coules counselling.

I can cope with the non existent sex life )just). But the intermittent extreme anger and verql abuse is not something I want to become accustomed to.

On the other hand he is a kind and involved father, better than most.It would be so very painful to take the children away from him.

Hmmmmm. 'a kind and involved father, better than most'.

But he treats his children's mother like crap? He verbally abuses you IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. His anger towards you 'is extreme'.

He is NOT a good father. Don't stay with him because you think he's a good father!!

Just because you split up, doesn't mean he can't be in their lives. But if he can't treat you with basic dignity and respect, you've really got to ask yourself whether this is a healthy situation for them as they grow and develop - and learn everything that will impact on their lives about relationships from the dynamic that their mother and father present.

Hello. I'm sorry that you're having to put up with this. I thought I'd just post something from the other side. I most likely have mental health problems and am very, very difficult to be around at times. However, I have become very self aware and made a lot of changes on my own, because I can see that my behaviour is entirely unreasonable. I'm also planning to visit the doctor to get some professional help and am currently writing a draft of the things I'm going to say. I don't expect my partner to put up with my awful behaviour so I try to control it as much as I can and immediately apologise if I do do something which is out of line.

All I'm really trying to say is that he shouldn't be expecting you to put up with this. I mean, how long can this really go on for? How much longer could you actually cope with living this way? He needs to accept that he has a problem or risk losing his marriage. It's not your responsibility to look after him. He is responsible for his own wellbeing and it is entirely unfair to lean on you this much.

What a nightmare. Why did you go on to have another child with him?

Oh yes... XH had an interesting bundle of Issues stemming from childhood too, but he was a great father. When we split I considered allowing him official residency with DS4 because he was so much better a parent than me, but rather guiltily insisted on 50/50 shared care. Until... the school called us both in for a conference and explained that they would really strongly recommend I looked after DS4 full time. They said he was so much more balanced and cheerful (and clean!) in my weeks and were quite worried about his mental and emotional state during the other weeks. Social services let it be known they were backing the school in this. His father bowed to the inevitable and I took my boy home, where he's been relaxing and flourishing ever since. I have to admit I'm far from the world's greatest parent. But I'm not emotionally abusive either...

Er, not about me, sorry. There's probably a relevant message in there somewhere though.

Grape, there have been 'better' times, it hasnt all been crap. i am an nonly child and was very very lonely. I made the decisison that it would be better for DS1 to have a sibling no matter what.I know not everyone would agree with mebut I did maike that decisison in the best of faith. Lime I said, thye majority of the time 'D'P is a good father, he is not a grerat partner but that is somewhat seperate.

Yes I do agonise over whether I should have brought DS2 into the world, I did it with the very best of intentuions, and he is much loved.

You sound like two drowning people, clinging to each other although neither can swim.

Your only reason, it seems, for staying in this imbalanced relationship, is that you perceive your own mother's life as even worse than the one you have now. Have you discussed this premise with her, or would it be possible to? (If not, what would she say?) On top of that, you're thinking as though there are only two choices - embittered poverty as a single mother, or downtrodden abuse as the wife of a mentally unstable man who won't seek treatment. That's a very 19th-century way of thinking. How about going to the CAB, asking your single-parent friends for advice, and generally doing something about exploring your options?

Your husband blames his abusive childhood for his problems, so he recognises that he has got mental & emotional health issues. At the same time he refuses to seek treatment. That's not allowed! He's abusing you (yes, he is) instead of taking responsibility for his own well-being: he's making you responsible for his happiness. He's behaving childishly, selfishly, and is asking the impossible of you.

You probably don't need me to tell you that living with an unstable person makes you unstable. have you thought about the implications of this truth on your children?

"Lime I said, thye majority of the time 'D'P is a good father, he is not a grerat partner but that is somewhat seperate."

It is not seperate at all. The two are one and the same - how he treats you in front of his children - your words "verbal abuse" is not being a good Father.

What does he do with them, how does he help you in your life with bringing them up and running the house - is he capable of being alone with them to give you some time? or is he just a drain on you and your life energy?

Think what a childhood they would have with a enthusiastic, positive Father who is great role model and brings joy to their Mother; the center of their world.

Try and actually visualise that scenario for a moment.

miserableexistence - I know how you feel. It is almost as if you have to de-programme yourself to accept that you can't have the ideal life you wanted. People tell me, you are thinking of the life you hoped for - not the reality of what it really is.

Do you think you would be less miserable without this?

Do you think you would be stronger in yourself if you did not have someone pulling you down and being hurtful all the time?

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Is this really the template you want them to see and be a part of as they grow up. They see and hear all the unspoken stuff and you are both a part of this overall dysfunctional relationship.

You cannot rescue or save someone who does nto want to be saved; I think you initially entered into this relationship thinking that with your love and support you could save him from his own self. Unfortunately that overall flawed way of thinking is now costing you and your children a high price. You're all being dragged down by a selfish man who refuses counselling and or treatment for his issues. You are not responsible for him.

Can you realistically ever see him changing to enable it to become a happier home?

It looks like you will always get the blame for everything.

As Grace says, living with an unstable person can make you unstable.

Attila speaks it as it is.

OP, you said:
"He said I am evil, twisted, he is sick of me , told me to off piss off etc, the usual.I am apparently to blame for his abuse, his estrangement from his family etc etc"

He'll begin to believe this. It'll all be turned around to being your fault. He'll get worse. You'll not feel safe.

I know, I've been there.

Leave, please. It's not as hard as you think. It's a much much better life without someone like this in it.