Page 2 | withholding information or lying?

simperingwhimperingchild · 2010-11-24T16:02:45+00:00

Am feeling a bit wretched and furious [angry] [angry] [angry] with dp who failed to tell me that a new employee (he's the boss) is an ex and that she accompanied him on a business trip. I found out after they returned and still he didn't tell me she was an ex until I put two and two together in the middle of last night, did some middle of the night googling [hmm] and realised who she was. I confronted him (he was away on another trip - with her AGAIN!) did the whole 'why didn't you tell me and don't give me that "because I knew you'd be like this" crap'. He did little to reassure me but it was even later in the middle of the night where he was [smile] He's back tonight and I am still reeling. Not sure where to go from here...

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 25/11/2010 08:17

sort of feel there must be more going on.

for him not to naturally talk to you about this as it occurred implies a lack of trust in the relationship in terms of being able to be open and discuss things together like adults. something wrong for him to hide it.

then for you to be so shattered that you make a scene big enough for your dd to hear and turn against her father on the basis of implies problems there too.

it doesn't sound very connected.

i guess, so long as it's all innocent in terms of faithfulness and motives, that this could be a good opportunity to look at the problems in your marriage with sharing and communication.

i'd be upset that he didn't trust or respect me enough as his adult partner to discuss this with me and i'd want to know why that was.

strangely i once found out after breaking up with someone that he'd slept with someone whilst we were 'on a break'. i was actually less upset by the fact that he'd done it than the fact that he hadn't respected or trusted me enough to tell me.

i do empathise with you feeling deceived, you now need to look at why he didn't tell you and on what footing you two are operating.

FlameGrilledSanta · 25/11/2010 08:26

It would not bother me I would assume that he didn't view it (her) as important enough to notify me. So therefore I had nothing to worry about.

Op I am good friends with my exs and and the most recent of them I see at least once a week. I still have feelings for him but I am not stupid I know that what I feel for him is nothing compared to the love that has taken 6 years to grow between me and DP and that there is a reason we broke up. I would never risk hurting my DP for a leg over with some old flame you either trust your DP or you don't.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/11/2010 09:47

Given the facts we have (that the new employee dumped the H EIGHT years ago, and the H has never cheated) I think it quite possible that the reason he didn't tell the OP is because she is the one with previous form for plate-smashing drama-queenery over nothing.
Sometimes when someone is going 'Waa Waa Waaa' over nothing., a metaphorical bucket of cold water over them is more appropriate than 'Poor darling, all men are beasts'.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 25/11/2010 09:52

possibly sgb but even if the OP is prone to hysterical outbursts and that's why he doesn't tell her things it still needs dealing with and she'll no doubt wish that wasn't the case and that she had control over it and will be genuinely suffering with the feelings that go along with it.

just saying it's your fault you're a hysterical woman no wonder your husband doesn't tell you things sounds like that kind of misogynistic belittling of a woman's genuine feelings if they don't match what she's 'supposed' to feel.

not sure that makes sense but i know what i mean.

Original poster

simperingwhimperingchild · 25/11/2010 10:04

Nope - never smashed a plate or boiled a bunny.
I do, however, have feelings...

OP posts:

IfGraceAsks · 25/11/2010 10:10

I agree he's not out of order to have hired her. While I can empathise with his not telling you, OP, he made the wrong choice - if he knew you were likely to be upset, that's actually a bigger reason to break the news gently iyswim. It's part of respect for your feelings. Still - it's done, he wimped out, now he's sorry.

Unfortunate as it is, you can't ask him to make her life hell just because he used to go out with her. His reaction when you told him off would have given you clues if there was something to worry about, wouldn't it? It didn't - so my advice is: Clarify that you would have wanted him to consider your feelings more efficiently; think of a nice way he can make it up to you; carry with your life :)

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/11/2010 10:16

The fact that people havefeelings doesn't mean they get to have their own way all the time. The world does not revolve around any single whinyarse.
ANd if people are prone to whining and jealousy, the worst thing a partner can do is indulge them, because they just get worse.

IfGraceAsks · 25/11/2010 10:23

I disagree. There's nothing in this thread to suggest OP is prone to rabid insecurity - uless you've been overly influenced by her username, SGB!

Even if she were, I'd say that's an extra reason why someone who loves her should respect her vulnerabilities. If your partner is unconcerned about your feelings, you've got a problem. This H doesn't seem to have been unconcerned: he misjudged, as shown by OP's reaction. End of, afaics.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 25/11/2010 10:24

no one said that sgb.

but just as people who marry cold faced bitches have to deal with that so people who marry people with feelings have to deal with that.

indulgence is a very loaded word. married people have to engage with each other and how they operate. if married people see that as 'indulgence' perhaps they shouldn't be married.

IfGraceAsks · 25/11/2010 10:25

Hang on a sec, SGB, did you think I meant he was wrong to hire the ex? Nope; I think he was wrong to hide it. Though I've seen nothing yet to suggest he had nefarious motives.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 25/11/2010 10:26

can only think that sgb felt like lashing out and insinuating OP was a hysterical bitch and she is a superior, cooler version of femaleness. well done. would you like a badge?

IfGraceAsks · 25/11/2010 10:28

But ... but ... but SGB is a superior, cooler version of femaleness! Isn't she?

PatriciaHolm · 25/11/2010 10:34

After eight years, he may not even think of her as a ex really any more - she's just a business colleague, who he sees occasionally. It probably didn't even really occur to him that it would be an issue - as far as he can see it, there is nothing to discuss - he didn't hide it deliberately. If the OP is upset then he should understand that, but I don't think there is anything more to it than a fairly typical obtuseness on his part.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 25/11/2010 11:16

all in the eye of the beholder i guess grace.

i guess what i find odd is the idea that you wouldn't know who your husband was away with, that there wouldn't be a conversation like oh where are you off to, who's going, will you have any free time to see the sites? etc. just conversation.

but then i've never been married so don't know how silent things can become.

emmyloulou · 25/11/2010 13:05

SGB is always on threads putting other women down as she is so cool, calm, free, easy and whatever bollocks.

Ignore it. He was right to hire her if she is good at what she does, especially in small industry. He was wrong to hide it from you and not be open, I can see why you feel upset. You need to talk to him rpoperly, it's ok to feel upset and kept in the dark.

Ignore the virtual bully, it's like listening to a stuck record at times.

pottonista · 25/11/2010 13:54

He was wrong to hide it from you. But I don't think you need to worry. It's likely that there's nothing at all going on, she was hired by someone else, she's just good at the job, he has no interest any more, and he just wimped out of telling you because he thought you'd freak out with jealousy. That doesn't excuse it but might help explain.

happiestblonde · 25/11/2010 18:47

I would be more upset that he didn't feel I was enough of a mature, rational adult to tell me. I'd also be upset that while knowing it would bother me he went ahead and did it anyway - as if work was more important than me, there are always other candidates - but 8 years is a v long time and I know my DP would respect my wishes because I don't have a habit of being unreasonable/jealous. I have an ex from 8 years ago who I sometimes share a bed with (fully clothed) and dp couldn't give a damn because he likes the guy, trusts me and can see how exes from so long ago are no more than friends.

Having said this, if he emplopyed his ex I'd be pretty annoyed but only because she's a mentalist psycho (any further back exes fine) and I wouldn't employ mine because they're all talentless wasters.

I think you have problems op that go deeper than this one issue. He doesn't feel he can have an adult conversation with you, clearly. (Apologies for double post - always happens :( )

happiestblonde · 25/11/2010 18:47

I would be more upset that he didn't feel I was enough of a mature, rational adult to tell me. I'd also be upset that while knowing it would bother me he went ahead and did it anyway - as if work was more important than me, there are always other candidates - but 8 years is a v long time and I know my DP would respect my wishes because I don't have a habit of being unreasonable/jealous. I have an ex from 8 years ago who I sometimes share a bed with (fully clothed) and dp couldn't give a damn because he likes the guy, trusts me and can see how exes from so long ago are no more than friends.

Having said this, if he emplopyed his ex I'd be pretty annoyed but only because she's a mentalist psycho (any further back exes fine) and I wouldn't employ mine because they're all talentless wasters.

I think you have problems op that go deeper than this one issue. He doesn't feel he can have an adult conversation with you, clearly. (Apologies for double post - always happens :( )

LadyLapsang · 26/11/2010 13:06

The issue about this case is not that SWC's DP did not tell her that an ex had applied and been appointed to his firm in a situation that he had no control over / by chance, but that he had appointed her (? no equal opps application procedure, but obviously that happens with lots of firms).

I'm curious about the last 8 years as it sounds like they have maintained contact; SWC, what does he say about that and did you know?

I definitely would have some alarm bells ringing...obviously you don't need business trips to be unfaithful but they help.

However, you need to behave like adults to sort this out and getting in a state in front of your children is not helpful to them or to you two.

gingerwig · 26/11/2010 22:02

He did not tell her because he thought she might get upset, if she knew.
When she found out, she got upset, so he was right

ENormaSnob · 27/11/2010 20:14

Tbh this would be a deal breaker for me.

He has lied on a huge scale and op only knows the truth because he got caught out. What else has he hid?

spidookly · 27/11/2010 20:36

Would be a deal breaker for me too - how many lies has he told?

Going out of your way to hire someone you used to fuck is weird in the first place.

Lying about that.

Lying about who went with you on your business trip.

There is no way he would tell that many lies and be that shady if he was someone you could trust.

Original poster

simperingwhimperingchild · 28/11/2010 17:45

These are all interesting responses.

As things are I have had a lot 'explained' to me: 100% professional decision, only intermittent contact in the intervening years, thought of her as right person for job, there previous relationship has not come up for discussion between them etc and huge regret for not coming clean and being so cowardly as to avoid having the conversation with me, considering how much hurt he has caused.

If he wanted out of the relationship (with me) he can go. We are not financially entangled.
We are about to move home so this would have been the time to leave if that's what he wanted.

So on balance, I don't feel stupidity is a deal breaker for me...

OP posts:

spidookly · 29/11/2010 07:44

It's not stupidity, it's self-serving dishonesty.

You now know he is the kind of person who lies rather than having difficult conversations, and who doesn't trust you to be reasonable about perfectly normal things.

Is that someone you want to share a home with? Really?

I'd run a mile while you are not financially entangled.

You will never get honesty from someone who lies as a matter of policy to make their own life as easy as possible.

Also, why the concern about whether he might want to leave you? He's the one who's coming up short here. You can do a lot better than a casual liar.

pinkstarlight · 29/11/2010 08:42

i cant help but think your partner has been playing with fire,what was he thinking employing his x without talking to you knowing he would be going away on buisness with her.i would be furious at the sneakiness of it all.