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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel bloody awful. I could wail for at least the next 3 months

27 replies

hobbgoblin · 23/11/2010 22:37

I can see why I am always falling overmyself to forgive my DP at the merest hint of a belated apology.

This is agonising. I left him. I am collecting the cot from his place tomorow, and all my things. Xmas looms. Window shopping in Windsor cancelled, I've closed all the Tabs in my browser related to his xmas presents and cancelled an order for a personalised xmas gift to him.

Wail.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 23/11/2010 22:39

from the happenings on your thread this week??

festivefriedawhingesagain · 23/11/2010 22:41

Saw your other thread - it will get easier and I think you are being wise. Difficult at the moment I know.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/11/2010 22:42

:(

It is a horrible time of year to break up - BUT I think you've done the right thing. Because it isn't just what happened this week is it, it's everything that has gone before that I've seen you post about over the months. You will be better off without him.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 22:45

Wail away.

It doesn't change the fact that he doesn't make the grade. Apologies are just words, they mean nothing without the required actions to back them up.

Never mind about Xmas, there would never be a good time. Congratulate yourself that you didn't use Xmas looming as an excuse to stay.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 22:48

There is never a good time for this. But it has to happen Hobb, you know that, we all know that and we are all here to listen.

Be brave honey, you can get through this!

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 23/11/2010 23:09

I really, really, really hope I don't lose my willpower. I am well aware of how it fades with the anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbgoblin · 23/11/2010 23:14

IloveTiffany, yes what happened this week was a pivotal moment. We did obviously talk after it happened - yesterday, in fact. However, there was no remorse, just an "I know, it was terrible of me" wedged in between "well why didn't you wait for me, I was getting ready" and other stuff trying to make me take responsibility. I just gave up.

For anyone who didn't read other thread (one of many) DP didn't turn up for an appointment with DD that has quite serious implications for her health-wise. Instead he went out the night before, got pissed and didn't wake up. Let me tell you, he has never not got up for work before in all the time I have known him - including his drunk and all over the place post divorce days.

He didn't turn up for DD's birth either...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:15

Have you learned any lessons from the other times ?

Hoping you won't "lose" your willpower at this stage is not a good sign, tbh

It is within your power to let your head rule your heart. Your "power" cannot be lost, unless you willingly give it up.

CarGirl · 23/11/2010 23:16

Be strong you will be so much happier in the end and you will find someone deserving of you and your love.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 23/11/2010 23:21

Hobgoblin - I don't know you but you do deserve someone who is there for you. Everyoe does. If he can't be ditch him and be free to find someone who is or at least be alone and not let down.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 23/11/2010 23:23

that was gobbledygook

Hobgoblin - I don't know you, but you do deserve someone who is there for you. Everyone does.

If he can't be there for you..... ditch him and be free to find someone who is, or at least be alone and not let down.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 23/11/2010 23:24

I don't know AF - I've never done it before and seen it through apart from when I left DS2's dad. But then he was strangling me half to death so a bit easier.

I have a mental script which I'm not sure is helping. I was in shower (hiding tears from DD today) saying "you're not fucking good enough you wanker" over and over again to try and keep the anger there.

Then I do what I always do with people in general and ty and see his perspective and feel a little sorry for him and that I should accept him as he is. But I am getting ill with stress over this tbh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:32

It is a well-trusted MN saying now but...

just because this guy doesn't physically strangle you, doesn't mean he is good for you

settling for a 2/10 abuser instead of a 10/10 one is not the right thing to do

the only acceptable level of abuse is 0/10

making you so unhappy you are getting ill with stress is emotional and mental abuse

someone who doesn't make your life easier is not a suitable life partner for you

he brings you nothing but worry, and has you blaming yourself

you need to wake up, hobb, seriously

LaurieScaryCake · 23/11/2010 23:35

He didn't make it to your daughters birth Hmm

and now this appointment Hmm

He's a FUCKING ARSE Angry

stay strong, you really honestly deserve better (as does poor dd)

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 24/11/2010 07:33

I was hit by my ex and it's that knowledge that often gave others permission to accept out divorce. It wasn't the issue for me.

Personally I coped far better with the isolated physical (because it was very isolated) than I did with the constant presence of being let down/disappointment/verbal disparagement etc That destroyed my soul.

I'm now with someone who I don't have to ask for things...he thinks about me and just does. It's an amazing feeling. I feel loved and cherished.

Being single was better than being in a bad relationship because I can rely on myself...there was no dashed hopes and no repeated message of 'you're not worth it' because that's what this man is saying to you and DC?

piranhamorgana · 24/11/2010 09:35

Hobgoblin I am thinking of you.

You deserve SO much better than this - and you will find it now.

Stay strong,you can do this.

I am a million times happier now,and I can't believe I ever wasted five minutes on my ex.
I was still wailing about him as recently as May...seems unbelievable now..I really used to "identify with " "understand" and "feel sorry for" the waster.

Never again.

you can do this

LittleMissHissyFit · 24/11/2010 09:54

Thanks for posting all that AF, it really helps to see it all again and to strengthen resolve.

gardenglory · 24/11/2010 10:00

Victoria-your post is very inspiring.

OP - just imagine going through the feelings of being let down and disappointed again if you were with him. Relive it in your mind when you feel yourself crumbling.

Do you want to have to go through all that heartache again. AF is so right. There are times when the head must rule the heart.

I hope to be as strong as you are. Take care.

cestlavielife · 24/11/2010 10:08

well done .
you can now focus on you and your DD.

because he would only suck you dry and divert your attention from what matters. you DD needs you so much more than he does.

as victorias said"the constant presence of being let down/disappointment/verbal disparagement etc That destroyed my soul."

SupposedToBeWorking · 24/11/2010 10:17

Hobbgoblin, I broke up with someone recently and it doesn't compare but I also needed willpower.

Two things have really helped.

One, I accepted in advance that I was going to want to backpedal at some points. I find "This too will pass" pretty helpful when it hurts or I feel guilty. I was surprised to find that the first pang only lasted seconds - really, I thought it would go on for the rest of my life.

Second, I asked one friend if I could text or call her whenever I felt like going backwards. I needed to use her support less than I thought I would. Her line has been: he can be lovely, but he wasn't a good partner for you.

MN was my backup plan, in case she couldn't be available Smile

gardenglory · 24/11/2010 10:21

Hobgoblin, if you got back with him you would be ill with stress - and you would have to start all over again building your strength back bit-by-bit after being back to square one.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 24/11/2010 10:22

You can do this. You've done the hard bit. Put yourself and your DC first, not the selfish arse who couldn't be bothered to get to a medical appointment concerning his child. You deserve better.

gardenglory · 24/11/2010 10:22

At the moment, you are a few steps up the ladder from the bottom. Being back with him would put you down to the bottom again.

AnyFucker · 24/11/2010 10:26

how are you today, hobb ?

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 24/11/2010 16:44

Thanks

feel very low today but intend to get arse into gear this eve

OP posts:
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