Do you have a friend who has a lot of chutzpah?

[ItsGrimUpNorth]

I mean, the sort of person who literally has no issue with getting people to what they want whenever they want?

I'm starting to feel a bit used. I have a friend with whom we alternate school pick ups every Wednesday. She seems to resent doing it when it's her turn. She emailed to ask whose turn it was this week and when I emailed back to say it was hers, she sent, "Fucker" back. Then another one to say she was joking.

She's always calling to ask me for favours, never for a chat or anything. She's either late back for the school run from her day out in London so could I pick up her son and daughter and bring them home? Or the latest was the au pair "dropped the baby on his head" and she doesn't want to leave him so could I just pick up her daughter as I'm picking up mine. The dropping of the baby happened just at the right time of school pick. She wasn't so worried that she was going to take him to the doctor, mind. She left him 40 mins later to pick up her son early too so she clearly just didn't fancy doing the school run twice in a short space of time. (Our daughters do half days).

I thought we were friends. I think from her attitude, she thinks I'm just one of her staff. I wish I'd not even begun any arrangement with her regarding pick ups because she clearly resents doing it when it's her turn and is really starting to take the p*ss imo. I only started doing it because she had a baby six months ago and I thought it would be nice to help out by taking her kids out to the zoo, to the park etc but almost every time I set off to pick up my daughter, the telephone rings and it's her wanting yet another favour and she'll ring and ring and ring until I answer.

She's nice, very good fun and entertaining but I think she's a taker-kind of person. Obviously, one likes to help friends out but when it becomes like this, when the other clearly doesn't understand the limits, it's not helping out anymore.

How do I get out of this without offence? I take her son to two after school activities per week too - along with my son - so it's going to be tricky. I've just been put off having much to do with her really and need to back off. How?

I don't think that's chutzpah, I think it's just plain selfish and self-serving. She's also sounds pretty thick-skinned.

I've always found it best to treat thick-skinned people directly and honestly. Tell her that you feel that she's making you feel guilty when it's her turn for pick-up and that what was supposed to be a mutually beneficial arrangement doesn't feel all that mutual!
Don't be horrid - just be honest.

I think I just feel like everybody's skivvy at the moment and if she could get away with me picking them up all the time, she would. That's not a nice feeling - having to sort of watch out so that someone doesn't take advantage of you.

You need to call her on this if you feel up to it. You could start asking her for loads of favours, or the next time she asks for a favour just say no. People like this really really get on my nerves.

So you think she is taking the p*ss?

So she doesn't give a damn about offending you, but you're worried that if you stand up for yourself you might offend her? You are too giving.

Why not approach it with her throwaway attitude? Say in a light-hearted way, that you feel like you're doing a lot of running around for her at the moment and is she going to start paying you, handsomely? Then smile sweetly and SAY NOTHING. Ball in her court. She should get the message.

I have to say I was hoping desperately this wasn't about me, and unless you have changed all the details, it isn't - phew.

So firstly, I'd pull out of the regular arrangement, perhaps with a fortnight's warning. When she says 'Oh what am I going to do on Wednesdays?' you could say 'Hmm, yes, what are you going to do?' Throw the ball back in her court every time.

I think if I were you I would screen calls. Just let her ring and press 'ignore' or unplug the phone. Your phone is a convenience for you, not for her.

Practice saying, 'Oh, no I can't, sorry.' With the full stop on the end. You don't have to explain.

and don't answer your phone!

I know that being honest is a good thing, but sometimes being honest about this sort of thing can be really awkward.

If I felt I was going to feel awkward taking the honest approach, I would cut myself some slack and start making it difficult to be called upon for favours. So I would ignore my mobile just before school pick up, and landline or let it go to ansa machine. I would not renew the after school activity, or book the next course for a time that suited me without asking this person for which day suited her too.

There are loads of ways you can make yourself unavailable

Right, I think I'll take all your tips on board. I don't like being called a fucker even if it is a joke in her posh way. I think she was genuinely irritated so there was some truth in calling me that and clearly, not a particularly friendly thing to do.

She's short of cash so she's going to stop one of the activities her son does, I believe, the other which her daughter does on the day we pick up.

And I definitely won't be answering my 'phone to her anymore. It's passive-aggressive in a way but I don't want a ding dong that goes, "Well, you did this,", "Ah, but remember when I did this for you?" because it's pointless and will just end bitterly.

Perhaps I'll be able to fade from view or perhaps I should just grow a pair.

You can get out of the after school activitys by not coming straight home , going to your mums / freinds / apointment / swimming / library / shopping , whatever. But your not coming straight home.

You can also make sure your not taking them by being somewhere else , again , not going straight from home. You,ll only have to do this twice , when its her turn to pick up , casually ring and say its ok , ill get mine , im going to suchaplace after school .

Just change your routine around a bit and dont answer the phone . If she asks why you didnt answer , say you were out / unplugged it because your sick of cold calls , she,ll soon get the message.

I used to get lumbered with this sort of thing , ive kindly agreed to take someones dcs to school and then its become a regular thing. One parent asked me if id pick up her dd from after school club as it clashed with her other dd swimming lesson by just 5 min. To start with she would catch us just down the road from school .

It escalated to the point they werent coming getting her till at least 7 having had a bite to eat and whathaveyou. When i was pregnant with dd , i was overdue and in early labour. Another parent offered to pick them up for me that night. Come 3 o clock , the midwife is at my house ( homebirth )and parent arrives with my dc and THREE of hers and announces she,ll be back to pick them up at 7.30 !!! Unbeleivable !

This reminds me of the " lift share " thread , it often starts off as a one off or trying to do someone a favour and then they start taking advantage . I soon learned , and while i would happily pick up in an emergency , i made it clear that i would rather pick up my own as i didnt want to get into any arrangements.

Aaaargh. Now she's texted me to say she can't pick up the girls at lunch today after all because she's got a paediatricians appointment for her baby who isn't gaining weight, apparently. She couldn't make the appointment at any other time?

Does the au pair never collect the children when it is her turn?

Text back saying 'fucker'

think you just need to get out of it all together tbh.

But a paeds, appt would have been arranged for weeks- surely she didn't just twig it was today? Unless you mean a doctor- in the UK a paed..is a consultant and they are booked months ahead.
sorry- but you need to tell her you are not her unpaid nanny.

Could you turn it around on her?

leave a message saying - 'you've got so much on your plate, I feel bad you're stuck in this arrangement and too polite to say anything and doing it out of duty. Why don't we give it a rest you've clearly got a lot going on. Please don't feel bad, it's really ok. Hope it goes well at the paeds, bye.'

Then be unavailable on the phone. When she catches up with you in person to protest just say oh well I've changed my routine now so let's just leave it for the time being....

OP, what did you do about pick-up today? It's too late now but I sincerely hope you did not pick up her child as well as yours! I would either have pretended that I never received the text, phone off etc or I would have texted back to say that I was going on to something (your own doctor's apt perhaps?!) and could not help out this time. How can this woman be short of money if she has an aupair and is having days out in London while you are looking after her children? She is a user, short and simple.

Hallo again. Sorry not to have updated. I'm assuming you're all fascinated by my spinelessness!

I'm told it was an appointment with a private paediatrician to investigate why her baby is losing not gaining weight. He's nearly six months. I had to pick up both girls - like how could I not if her baby isn't doing well? - but I took them back to mine and she picked her dd up from there. The baby has bad reflux but she'll be able to wean him soon so the weight issue will be monitored until then.

I had a chat with her about her fucker email. She said she was shocked and that wasn't what she was about. She meant it's a fucker. I told her email is a weird medium and she needs to be more careful. She said she was really upset. Hmm.

But today she did it again!

We were scheduled to work on a stall on the school Christmas fair. She was due on after me - she signed up for it herself. She didn't turn up - well, she was at the fair with her children.

I was on the stall for 90 mins because of this and didn't get a chance to spend any time with dh and the kids at the fair - dh had taken time off work to be there and so that I could do my shift that I'd signed up for. I telephoned her and asked her where she was - she said she had the baby and I asked why she couldn't put the baby in the car seat next to her whilst she did her shift that she'd signed up for. She just said she'd excused herself from her shift, which meant that I was stuck until the next person came on which was a good 40 mins! Grrr. She just wasn't bothered.

It sounds so petty but it just proves to me that this is someone who couldn't actually give a sh*t how her actions might affect other people.

I've taken all your sound advice on board and will be soundly unavailable from now on. If she pisses me off again by letting me down, it'll be because I let myself be in a position whereby I was relying on her to be reliable iyswim. Had a couple of glasses of vino! Except dh is out with her dh tonight for a few jars. And we're supposed to go out for dinner next week. I need to distance myself from them but dh is keen to develop a friendship, even go on holiday with them for a week next summer. Aaaaaargh.

The au pair by the way, won't drive in the U.K. so she's can't help with school run etc.

Goodness you would end up being the skivvy for everyone for a week!!

Sounds as if it´s time to be responsible for your own children.

What is it about her that your husband likes-the fact that she treats his wife like shit

DH and I have decided not to go out for dinner with them on Friday and not to go on holiday with them either.

Now, I'll just have to tell her. Dh thinks I should be upfront. I just think it'd be better to fade from view, making excuses etc. I mean, if I'm upfront, she's only going to take umbrage, a row will happen and for what? It's not like we're going to be friends after this anyway so it's not like clearing the air so we can start again.

Upfront or just saying I can't make it for dinner without a reason?

Hard one. It's easy to say that of course you should be up front but not easy to actually do it.
One tip is when cancelling stuff, to not go overboard with reasons so you tie yourself in knots and risk making things worse. Apparently this is what Effective People do. "We won't be available for dinner after all on Friday. Glad to be able to give you a week's notice!"
And leave it at that.

Good decision. I'd break the habit by coming up with excuses and she will soon find someone else to use. People like this are horrible

Can you time it so you leave a message on the answerphone after the school pick up so you don't have to see her, basically say "I just called to let you know we can't make dinner, I hope you and dh have a nice evening!" sound all bright and breezy etc, and if she rings back don't answer, if she challenges you about it later, say oh yes we left you a message and go quiet, if need be say "I don't have to justify every move I made" and make some sort of statment about the weather in a bright and breezy way, and avoid, avoid, avoid, she sounds like a vampire!