I feel guilty for not phoning my Dad.

[ConstanceFelicity]

Just a vent, feel free to ignore. I just have that horrible guilty thing in the pit of my stomach because I'm a nob. :(

Background- Dad started seeing a friend of my sister's 2 yrs ago. Myself, DB and DSis were very happy for them- She's a lovely woman- And welcomed her wholeheartedly into the family. Dad seemed smitten, his gf spent last Xmas with me and my family, all was well.

However, about 8 m ago, he started seeing a 25-yr-old girl behind gf's back. I would NEVER have thought that he was the type to do this- He has always been so nice to his gfs- But he did. Now, seeing as the gf lives in another country, it was pretty easy for him to two-time them. The situation has been made very awkward by this, as his girlfriend is in contact with all of us, his children, and then Dad would quite happily bring the OW to our home when gf was not around, etc etc.

So. After he brought the OW to my home, sat there holding hands with her in front of my confused DSs, I was a bit flummoxed (was not a planned visit). There followed a phone call in which he said I had been unwelcoming to his OW, it had been awkward. I answered that I was sorry if she felt unwelcome, I didn't want that, but that it was awkward- I'd just been on the phone with his gf, she was going on about how she was missing him, looking forward to seeing him, etc. I said that he was being cruel to two-time her, and that it was wrong to put his children in the horrible position of having to lie for him, He did not accept this at all, saying that it wasn't his problem that we were in contact with her.

There are a few issues with this- His refusal to take any blame for the situation being one- But this is already a long post so I'll spare you!

After said convo on the phone, Dad didn't phone me for MONTHS, would rarely answer texts etc. He does this whenever I disagree with him. (DH reckons he treats me as if I'm his mother- Due to losing my mother when I was young, I did take on the mother role to some extent.) However, I did know through a few short phone calls that he was having a hernia op on friday. I have been assured that this op is quite straightforward.

I didn't phone him to see how he was until tonight. He is obviously quite upset about it- He didn't say, I could tell- And he has gone home to an empty house, has fainted with the pain, been in agony etc.

I feel so shit for not getting in touch sooner. As you can see we have a complicated history, but I should have been the bigger person and put that behind me. I am a shitty daughter, and I find that hard. :(

For crying out loud, fainting from the pain! Can you imagine him if he'd had to give birth?

And gone home to an empty house - well, if you treat people like that, his house will be empty!

He treated you really badly by coming round with that young woman (and btw how old is he that he can pull a woman that age?) He put you in a horrible position, both to the other woman and his girlfriend.

If he manipulates you via the phone then he shouldn't be surprised when that bites him on the bum. You've been a good daughter - he's behaved badly and is sorry for himself, that's all.

Thank you. That made me cry. It's silly, I know I'm right, but I have taken on the maternal role and it's really hard to say "fuck it- I have my own family now".

It's inevitable that he should stand back a bit when you have your own children, but actually it's he that moves back, isn't it? You say he can go for months without phoning you and doesn't reply to texts. That is cruel and immature.

Alarm bells rang for me when you said that - it's not the sort of thing that a father should do. If he's angry with you, he should have it out with you, not sulk for months.

He put you in an impossible position regarding the two women and yet doesn't seem bothered.

He doesn't seem to connect his being alone with the way he behaves.

No wonder you feel like his mum! He's like a very young teenager.

Don't let him make you feel guilty - he has behaved appallingly and is now trying to play the victim because he has had an operation.

I would be furious in your shoes.
Which woman is he with now btw? Or did they both see sense and dump him?

He is responsible for his actions, and if his actions are crappy, then the result of that is obvious.
If he thought he needed help after the operation (and he will have done, people do) then he should have lined that up before going in. To not do so was to behave like a child. Again, not your responsibility.

He is with the young one now, but is still stringing the other along. It is very hard- The original gf has added me on facebook and keeps posting how much she loves him and how she's looking forward to seeing him. It's even worse for my sister, who is a good friend of hers- We're in a Catch 22 situation really. If we tell her he's seeing someone else, he'll never speak to us again- If we don't, it's unfair on her.

He keeps giving reasons for not liking her any more- Very crap, misogynistic reasons imo- But I just wish he'd dump one of them. :(

I'd be tempted to break it, as gently as possible, to the overseas gf that, er, he's not missing her as much as she's missing him... but not sure I'd have the nerve to do so. It wouldn't be loyalty to an idiot father that would make it difficult, but the pain caused to the gf. Actually it sounds like in his own mind he's already dumped her but doesn't have the decency to let her know.

What I absolutely wouldn't do, but would fantasise about doing, is allow him to bring the other woman to visit and then say in front of her "I hear you've finally split up with [original gf], you must have found it difficult to carry on a relationship when she was overseas" or something equally mischievous.

As for what a shitty daughter you may be, was he in such a bad state that he couldn't phone you? As far as you knew he was doing fine, just not speaking to you because he was still in a huff. It's not part of one's filial duty to be clairvoyant.

You're right, Annie, but he's one of these little boy lost types that just MAKES you feel sorry for him. What upset me about the telephone covo last night was when I said "I'm sorry I wasn't there looking after you, I didn't know it was so serious", he just stayed silent. Not an "it's okay". :(

Re. the overseas gf, I have kind of dropped hints- She sent me a message on facebook saying "I thing your father is trying to tell me something, he hardly ever phones me", I just didn't reply. Which is cruel in itself, really.

Sorry to be blunt, but that man knows exactly what he's doing, exactly what the effect of his (shitty and manipulative) actions are. I'm sorry he's your father. He's a user. 'Little boy lost' at his age is pathetic and he has you right round his little finger.

Atswim, I obviously cannot speak for the OPs dad, ( who is acting dreadfully btw), but my DH fainted from the pain after a 'routine' hernia op several years ago! he is by no means a wuss, but really had no idea of what post operative pain would be like, as this was his first operation.Although he was supposed to be a day case, the hospital refused to allow him home until the following day, and then only on condition that there was another adult with him for the first 48 hours. OTOH, personally, giving birth was definitely not as dreadful for me as it clearly is for others. Whilst i do agree that the Ops dad is behaving appallingly, I don't think any of us should demean the way he is feeling after his op.

Thing is, he is usually lovely. I usually have a brilliant relationship with him- It's just that every few years, he has these lapses of bastardness. I don't like you all to think he's a git (though that's exactly how I've portrayed him) because he's usually loving and kind.

But loving and kind people - though they can get stressed and be a bit off - just don't treat people like your dad does. Being charming and brilliant is one trait of extremely controlling people.

Sorry, sayithowitis; I was seeing red by the time I got to the bit about his hernia!

I don't disagree. I guess there are no real types of people- You can't bee good or bad- It's just your actions that are thus. And at this moment, my father's actions are cruel and unkind. :(

I think that is a good way to think of a child, but an adult is perfectly capable of being a bad person by repeated and calculated hurtful, bad behaviour.

I am wondering if you should do some reading/get some counselling around Transactional Analysis? It does sound very much like you have been sucked into relating to your father in an inverted parent-child dynamic. But you are still behaving like a child in needing his approval. I'm sure it would be worth your while exploring how you could have a more Adult-Adult relationship.

I very much dislike the way you are being cornered into colluding with his lies to somebody you like though- that is very unfair.

Just want to mention, recovering from a hernia operation is more painful than recovering from having a baby. But after a week or so he will be feeling fine.
But no, don't feel guilty. You have every right to feel badly for his gf, she was a friend of the family first, and you feel badly.

He has behaved abominally. The fact that he's seeing someone your sisters age makes me a bit but that aside, he is (was?) and is doing so knowing she is a friend of his children (all weird enough for me already but there you go!), then he has the cheek to date some 25 year old on the side, cheating on your friend, bring this 'bit' into your home, with not only you but his grandchildren - still not tell your friend what is going on and expect you to cover from him and you feel guilty?

Get a grip - he needs to grow the fuck up and start acting his age and not like a bloody irresponsible teenager!

It's a shame you have apologised for not being there for him, he doesn't deserve it... not until he grows up, respects the person he is seeing and his children & grandchildren and stop stomping off and sulking like a child and not a Father/Grandfather.

If you talk to him again, ask him to not bring ow around, because whether he likes it of not, you are mates with his gf and do not want to know anything about his ow's. And it is a bad example for your dc!

Thank you all for replying.
BitOfFun has hit the nail on the head, really- I cannot stand to be in his bad books, so I apologize for stuff I shouldn't be apologizing for, thus letting him off the hook. At the same time, I am expected (partly my own fault) to do the motherly things in the family.

I have no issue with the age gap in the relationship- Myself and my sister are happy in relationships with older men (hmmm the psychology of that one's not too hard to figure out, is it?!) My issue is not really with his OW, it's with him and how he doesn't get that this is wrong.