Father idolises my brother....(a bit long)

[Tamashii]

It has ALWAYS been this way and I never realised how bad it was until I was settled with OH in our own place. I thought my friend's relationship with her Dad was weird since they were/are so close and then my OH relationship with his parents was too close until one day I realised it was MY relationshop with my parents that was really odd.

Anyway, cut a long story short my parents never really showed us any love. Everything was very Victorian - children should be seen not heard, getting the belt out if we were "naughty", verbal threats all that stuff. We were never physically abused or anything like that. Just really strict parenting. More towards me than my brother. I was a "surprise" baby that they never expected to have tho my mum always said she wanted a girl.

Sorry-getting side tracked. Thing is, I had kind of come to terms with the fact that they both (especially my father) idolised my older brother. My father has told me in the past what a disappointment I am to him. My mum died suddenly a few years back and since then any time I am with both my brother (who I love but he doesn't like me either and has told me as much) and father on the odd occassion like big birthdays/family occassions, my father does this thing where he will reminisce(sp?) about old times. He generally smiles and talks with my brother about things from brother's childhood. If he brings up things that I did in my childhood he will say it was my brother who did it eg Remember that time X did this hilarious thing bla bla telling the story laughing and I can't help but say "No... that was me" and they will BOTH say it was brother... I usually try not to notice as I suppose they are doing it to wind me up but sometimes I can't help saying "Oh, that was me actually" then they say I am being childish but it is heart breaking sometimes and I feel so left out. It feels like my family fell apart when my Mum died so this just kind of rubs my face in it by making me feel even more left out.

By the way, I just read this LONG post back and I do sound childish but I'm not being petty about it, I am just wondering why they do this? My brother has also asked me in the past "What happened to you that you turned out so.... pathetic?" as a rhetorical question really cos he said it, smirked and turned away. I never really see them and when I do it really tears me apart because I really want to have a nice, loving family relationship where we all pull together and look after each other especially after what has happened to our family. It is not to be but I can't seem to accept it.

Sorry this is so long.

what awful people.

Also, a couple of my cousins and my Aunt have made comments saying "Oh, it's nice that your father is finally friends with your DS" and they smile. They have told me in the past that my father told them that he didn't think my DS (who is now 2) liked him. Once he arrived at our house when DS was really young and DS went shy and cried a little when he came in, to which my father announced in front of everyone "Oh if you don't stop that I'll disown you!". I hate the thought of my father telling my extended family DS doesn't like him. Apart from this kind of stuff, my father and I get along and he is always complaining I never ask for his help but in the past if I asked for a favour he would be all "Well... I don't know. I have to check the calender" or "I had planned to do XYZ but I suppose I could change if I really had to...." and that kind of thing so I stopped asking for any help until my old Auntie told me "Why don't you ask your father for any help - he gets very offended you know. You can't do it all on your own!!!"

Sigh. This just sounds so pathetic. I guess it's cos there was a family party recently and they were all there so it's like poking an old wound...

Thanks if anyone has managed to read this tome again.

Thing is, I don't see them as awful people. Everyone else thinks they are great and I am sure they would not believe a word of it if I mentioned anything like this in RL which of course I won't...

Other times they can be totally fine. Never close but they'll never forget your birthday or Christmas cards. Stuff like that. I actually feel guilty for posting all this but I just can't talk about it in RL to anyone. I just end up sounding petty and pathetic but it is so real and upsetting to me...

you can't change them, only how you respond to them

It seems a very warped family dynamic to me.......

assertiveness training?

Tamashii, you DO need to talk, it sounds like the whole thing has made you very sad. This is what we're here for, keep talking on here.

Kangaroo makes a good point

You don't sound pathetic at all, by the way

You must trust your instincts on this.

Just because a family looks super happy to outsiders doesn't mean that that is true dynamic for each member of the family. In fact some parents can be very different to others (make a point of being 'model' parents) in contrast to how they actually are with their own children (this happens in my family.... everyone thinks my mother is a saint and probably wouldn't believe the emotional blackmail I have experienced at her hands).

Who knows why your brother and father behave like this (and does it even matter why?). What matters is that you realise that some of their behaviours aren't respectful of you or good for you (or your DS etc.).

You need to learn to keep them at arm's length and concentrate on your new family.

Exactly the same in my family, Tamashii - there was the Golden Child, and there was me.

I think your brother is siding with your dad because he has seen how fickle his father is - a man who can love one child and not anohter. Perhapss deep down your brother is thinking 'I'm gonna keep on his good side in case he treats me like shit too'.

The harsh truth is, your brother and father are unlikely to change, they have cast you as a second class citizen and you won't change their minds. Stop looking for their approval - if that's what youre doing - because it won't be forth coming.

Your father sounds horrible, and to be frank, your brother doesn't sound great either.

I really do feel for you, I've been there myself.

You were abused emotionally and physically from your post!

Apologies, I should have typed you were abused emtionally and physically and are being abused to this day emotionally by your family!

Assertiveness training - I have been told about this before by a girl I worked with. She has a nervous breakdown and took classes after she felt a bit better n said it was the best thing she had done. I do need to be more assertive.

I really feel bad bringing it all up though. I tend to sweep it all under the carpet and spend the next few days after I have seen them either crying at stupid things or being really angry and short tempered.

Glad I don't sound pathetic - I just tried to write it exactly how it is but when I read it back it seems like I am jealous of my brother which is really not true. I guess it must be difficult sometimes being the one being idolised as maybe he is scared of letting my father down.

My father is not a bad man really though. This just seems so disrepectful b!tching about them on here though. I really do need to get it out of my head. Thanks for listening.

Also, I seem to attract emotionally abusive "friends" and boyfriends too. I often wonder if it is because I have been conditioned to accept this kind of treatment as normal. I was never allowed to go out late or use the house phone when I was a teenager either so I lost a lot of potential friends who would spend hours in the evening on the phone to each other or round each others houses/youth club etc (before mobiles obviously).

This is getting way off topic now.

Why would your own family treat you like this though? We were never a perfect family but since my Mum died it just feels like my family has totally fallen apart and I feel so alone. I am really, painfully shy as well so I don't have a close relationship with OH's family and I don't have many friends. Feel like I am stting myself up as a target here. TMI?

Think I will stop now actually. Maybe I need to go back to the GP try to get some counselling or something. Not coping very well at the moment.

Personally you need to talk to your gp about counselling, looking at the dysfunctional family of origin and the effects it has had on your behaviour and self esteem, your boundaries and thinking patterns, people can see it in you in real life, yet you ignore them... and listen to your family of origin instead insteresting... you are stating that you feel guilt, that your loyalty is being questioned, and that things are normally ignored in your life, it all sounds like symptoms of an abusive upbringing and you are still in contact with your abusers and they contineu to abuse you! Have you ever looked at statley homes thread?

I would be interested if you want to share in hearing about your oh and his relationship with you and his family dynamics, as you sound like you have an increadable low self esteem and I wonder what kind of man is attracted to that in your life!

You're not in the least bit pathetic. You don't sound jealous of your brother, you sound sad that you weren't loved as much, or given the same amount of attention.

I think I could do wiht assertiveness training myself...

About it seeming disrespectful - do you find it hard to think critically of your father? might that be because deep down you're worried that doing anything to upset him,even think negatively of him, will make him more derogatory toward you, and maybe he'd love you a bit less? It's really not disrespectful at all. Sorry if I'm over-extrapolating.

It sounds like your instincts are right and you are scared of them... You sound like you were conditioned and controlled... I don't find it off topic, as this is related to your family of origin!

Why who knows, generally because your grandparents abused your parents and it was up the line like that, have you looked up npd?

I imagine that you have had a life script of setting yourself up as a target, as you worry you are in your post and from what you tell us of past realtionships, have you read the games people play by Eric Berne, especially "kick me"

It is scary when first coming to terms with things like you are, going to see your gp will be helpfull x

also take care of yourself, what does that mean to you?

I have actually looked at NPD and it kind of rings true which is equally scary since I have known a number of narcissists over the years. It scares me because they do not change and will grind you right down unless you get out of their lives. Have never read Eric Berne - will def have a look at those books though.

It is really scary confronting stuff like this especially when I have really known things are not right for quite some time now and not really done anything about it.

Take care of yourself. Yes, I WANT to be able to say "Yes! I will!" and be more assertive, work out what I really want my life to be like then go out and do it no matter what anyone else thinks. I have been to GP before but I ended up with 2 different counsellors the last time 5 months apart due to them being really busy and the 2nd one wanted to sign me off as she thought I was fine. Of course my lack of assertiveness meant I went "Yes... yes... that's fine" and off I went never to see them again. To be honest I was relieved as they just made me dredge up all the painful stuff and then signed me off saying "You are doing great on your own. You can always phone us if you need us again"

See - I AM bloody pathetic. I don't even know why I started this. I am getting the advice I need and now I am panicking and wanting to delete all this as it means I might have to face up to it all. I feel so so alone.

I have to go now anyway. Thanks

I had the same sort of treatment from the nhs at first, six sessions counselling from the gp, and they knock you off the books... you need to tell your gp that you have been involved in long term abuse from your family of origin and that six sessions will not be enough this time, that you feel you will need longer term therapy, which you will!

You avoided responding to what taking care of yourself means to you by getting side tracked, something I have relied on myself many a time uncounciously! How exactly do you care for yourself on a practical level?

Have you looked on statley homes? you could put a link to this thread on there!

I so identify with you feelings as so many others will, the fear the not wanting it to be true to have to deal with the reality, it is all very normal... you are not alone, there are many ways to avoid being alone!

I am sorry that it is not a good time for you to face the reality right now and that you are hurting on the edge Tam, it is all very normal, I wish you well and hope that you can find you way to dealing with and facing the reality in the near future x

You're not alone.

You're not pathetic.

Really have a good read through the stately homes threads. It's truly sad how many mners had such appalling treatment as children.

Tamashii, becoming assertive is a gradual process, you don't transform overnight. I can remember vividly the start for me: a classmate, who had been at the root of some nasty bullying, said, "I don't mean to be rude..." and I replied loudly , "...but you're going to be" folded my arms and stared at her, she spluttered a denial and looked embarrassed and she was always wary after that and much politer.

Think of one or two instances that reoccur, perhaps the examples you have given here, and prepare how you ideally would want to respond, or have one or two catch-all responses ready, which could be:

I BEG your pardon? WHAT did you just say? (said with loud indignation)

You are INCREDIBLY RUDE (said loudly & with authority)

and if if you feel the attention is on you, deflect it by repeating the rude thing that they have just said e.g. I BEG your pardon? WHAT did you just say? How DARE you call me XXXXX" so that then everyone looks at them.

By being loud you are placing the spot-light on them (you might feel yourself going red, but people will assume you're angry) and it can be quite powerful to watch their horror/embarrassment at their awfulness being put on show. And what you are teaching them is that they better be damn wary about approaching you in that vein again. Once or twice is usually sufficient.

Check out the stately homes thread & the book about toxic parents.

Just logged back in before heading off to bed. I think I totally ran away earlier and was a bit scared to come back and read any more replies so thanks for the responses. I always feel I am over reacting to the way I was brought up because I know there are others out there who had it so much worse so it feels a bit selfish to complain so thanks for the support here.

I will read the Stately Homes thread - boy it's huge. How sad that there are so many adults affected by our childhoods even now. I plan to concentrate more on MY family ie my own DS and OH so we can try to work on our futures together and now dwell so much on my past. I never really realised how my anxiety could be directly related to the points I raised in this thread. I do now. Thanks again for the recommendations and words of advice. I hope this makes me do something about the way I am feeling again and not just let it go again.