How to be free?

[sparkle10]

I left my abusive H almost 11 months ago and he is still controlling me.

He just won't accept it's over, every conversation we have winds up with him saying if you came back home things would be different.

I'm in a hard place because I miss my family being together, but I know I wouldn't be safe if I went back.

I've met a lovely man but it's like we are conducting an affair because I can't be open about the fact I'm seeing him. My ex's main threats were always about what he would do to me if I ever met someone else and I know he's not moved on from this. It's just to dangerous to be out in the open.

Its not fair, I work hard and struggle financially to keep a roof over our heads and be independant but I can't ever see that he will leave me alone and move on until he meets someone himself.

Has anyone had experience of still feeling like property and can give me any advice, because everything I try and do always seems to be the wrong thing....I don't know how to handle this situation.

It was so hard to leave and life is a struggle now, and sometimes I think what was the point because it's like he still controls me although we live under different roofs. I just want a life.

Do you have kids together? Do you have any reason you have to speak to your ex?

If not then cut him out, change your phone number/email, don't enter into any communication with him

Can't you go to the police if he is threatening you?

Ok, first of all, you need to cut all contact with your ex. Why are you still having onversations with him? If you have kids together contact with him should be only about arrangements for contact with kids, nothing else.

Next, go to the library or amazon and get your hands on a book called "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. It will help you reorder your thinking.

here

You really need to cut all contact and change your thinking. You are a free woman, he cannot control you any more unless you let him, you have to break the patterns of thought that make you think about him and his reaction to your life decisions.

Do not allow your mind to think about him. You might need to do thinks and make decisions that you know he would have disapporved of, but once you do that and realise you can, that he can't control you any more, it should get easier. You need to quite literally break your mind free of his shackles.

Let the police know about the threats.

Listen to the advice above, he sounds dangerous, this kind of jealous man can do anything, you know what they think, if she is not for me, she will be for no one else. Be careful, lots of love

Talk to Women's Aid and the local police DV unit, and a solicitor. You can get an injunction against this man to make him leave you alone, even if you do have DC with him - arrangements for contact can be made via a third party, or it can be done in a contact centre if there is a likelihood of him taking the DC or harming them.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. Everyone has the right to end a relationship with a partner for any reason they choose to do so.

If his threats seem to be serious ones, I would keep all communication in writing. Have you thought of contacting women's aid or the police if it could be classed as threatening or harassment?

I think you should bang the ball right back into his court - tell him that if he continues to attempt to control and harrasses you ( which is why you have left ) you will have no option than to discuss your options with police and solicitors so its HIS CHOICE whether he wants that. Don't bother discussing it in detail get the point across then if he breaks your rule ( He keeps telling you that you have broken his the nasty bully that he is ) he only has himself to blame.

He is never going to play by the rules so think outside the box.

I'd go to the police/ solicitors anyway

I already have an injunction, and he hasn't threatened me since I got it, it's just I know the threats at the time weren't idle ones (thats how I felt about it anyway), and I'm too scared to put it to the test. It's because the subject of me ever getting with someone else was the big thing that he would drum into me that he wasn't going to have.

I suppose it's me that needs to alter my mindset.

I don't ever get myself into a situation when I'm alone with him and do keep myself safe. He's fine where the kids are concerned and fine when he's not drinking. Its just that underlying pyscho thing that I have to be aware of all the time.

I'm definately going to get hold of that book, it might help me to grow some balls and stand up to him.

Sparkle10, this him hanging on to you is nothing to do with YOU. It is nothing to do with his feelings for you whatsoever.

It is purely HIS insecurity. HE can't live with out you HIS VICTIM. He belittled you and wore and beat you down to be under his spell, but you broke free. He knows deep down he is not deserving of you, not deserving of a proper woman in his life, a proper family with kids.

HE lost all of that.

YOU deserve better, YOU deserve to be happy and your DC deserve a proper male role model in their lives.

Do not have any personal one to one contact with him. It is not safe and he has to learn that he doesn't pull any strings with you again.

You are FREE! Go and live your life away from this sicko, and go and live happily. Your new DP deserves to know YOU, not you and a big black abusive cloud hanging over you both.

Remember that if he breaks the injunctions in the slightest way he can be arrested. So if you do date someone and your XP finds out, if he does anything, you can report him to the police immediately. ON the whole, men like this do not attack out of the blue; he would be likely to make threats or harass you with texts, emails or phone calls to 'remind' you that you are property and may not date - and you can then have him arrested for breaking the injunction, therefore keeping yourself (and any new date) safe.

You are free, but remember one thing...

NEVER

EVER

GO

BACK

Do we share the same ex Sparkle?
My ex also made the threats of what he would do if I ever met anyone else. I did and he kicked off, but if I've learnt anything over the last few months its to hold my head high and carry on with my life regardless of him. Don't be afraid of what he will do next, if he does anything at all then phone the police and let them deal with him.
Stop having contact, change your phone numbers, get a spare mobile phone and use it just for him to call regarding the dc then you decide when to talk to him and when not to.
Bullies only win if you let them