I feel pathetic

[Elmtree1Ems]

I was in a LDR with a fella I adored for the last year.

There were lots of issues and we split about a month ago. We were talking and trying to figure it out for most of that time.

We met on a busy dating site which has blogs where we both blogged.

Lots of stuff happened and I gave the man a few home truths because I feel he was emotionally abusive to me.

The last week he has written an awful lot of nasty stuff about me, incliuding that I am mnetally ill. We are not talking and he has poached friends, as well as flirting with everything that moves online.

I know he is not a nice man. I know I need to stay away from seeing what he is doing. I know in the end I am probably better off without him in my life.

But I feel so pathetic. Like destroyed. I know it was only a one year thing and I know it is so not the same as many of you on here who have had 20 year marriages fall apart or anything. I just feel very desperate. I feel kicked when I am down and so low.

Can't stop crying and have had to remove myself from places online I liked before as he has bullied me out.

The worst thing is that what has set me off is the fact he has finally gone and got a job. No he didn't work the whole time I was with him and yes I paid for the flights to go see him three times. So you can add mug and stupid to the list of things.

He has let it be known that breaking up with me was a really positive thing for him and that it spurred him on to sort himself out. I am gutted he wouldn't do it when we were together and gutted that all I see is people telling him what a good job he is doing and how wonderful he is, and implying he was a gem to put up with me for so long, whilst I have had to retreat.

Basically I feel like a muppet and like a pathetic idiot. I still love him and that wrenches me even more, like if he's such a dick why the hell was my hard work not good enough?

To see him moving on and being so happy makes me feel terrible and I know thats selfish as if I really cared I would be happy he is happy. But I just feel destroyed by him.

Sorry rambly and probably far too self indulgent. I just don't have many places RL to go to and I feel desperate.

The fact that it was an LDR/internet thing is irrelevent, to a large extent. Apart from, of course, the manifold opportunities it gives him to lie about himself. How do you know he has got a job? How could splitting up with you have given him whatever qualities he previously lacked that prevented him from working? I bet he hasn't. And even if he has, he is still a w*nker!!

What he is doing is conducting a bullying campaign over the internet in order to make himself feel better, and you are, sadly, allowing him to succeed.

I have no prejudice against online life but is there no possibility of you getting out and having a go at RL for a change? You could use this situation to really achieve what he is pretending to have achieved - a new start.

Hi Msboogie, thank you for replying.

Yea I see the sense in what you are saying. I know he's carrying out bullying, its hard to equate him with the guy I loved. I have not experienced anyone being so callous before and it's a little shocking and confusing, makes me wonder if I was really terrible to deserve this.

I do need a fresh start and to socialise more in RL, I suppoer I just find it easier to do it online as I don;t feel very condifent to go out and meet new people right now in person.

Thank you.

OP, was he unkind to you at all when you were with him, though.

I've been here too Elmtree1Ems, although it was a shorter relationship than a year and was quite a while ago; he ended it, made comments in a similar manner to what's happened with you and I was gutted, and everyone online sided with him. I could he was being a total dick but I felt completely emptied out over it because I'd started to really care about him. Now (with the benefit of time and space) I can see now that it was all a load of posturing on his part and he'd actually taken a lot more than he'd given when we were together.

Whatever people are writing on his blog, I bet there will be a hell of a lot of people thinking (even if not saying it openly) that he's behaving like a complete twat. Seems to confirm what you thought about him being emotionally abusive, and you are definitely not responsible for his choice to do this.

Personally I decided to leave my blog not long after, didn't like doing it at all, but it just wasn't fun any more, and I'd rather do something I wanted (joined an evening class instead, shy as hell but it was okay after the first couple). Later on I started a new blog elsewhere. I'm not saying it didn't take a while, but I did come to feel really relieved I wasn't with someone capable of behaving like that.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and sending you hugs and good wishes.

He was unkind to me yes. It was a complicated relationship in many ways but he did a lot to make me feel bad.

If I raised a concern...example getting frustrated at his lack of job hunting then I was disrespectful and a nag. He had a go at me for being on anti-depressants, calling them my 'psycho meds' and when I tired to stop them he had a go at me for failing myself and trying to make myselg unhappy.

He wanted me to leave my son and live with him in America and when I said I wouldnt consider it I was 'unhealthily obsessed' with my child, and the implication wa sit wa sin a sinister way.

When we disagreed he would lose his temper and go on and on for days at a time chastiing me and in the end I would apologise. The issue then became about how I could work on myself to make 'us' better.

He told me I needed to diet and lose weight but then said he never said it and I was perfect the way I was.

He told me on the one hand I was a beautiful and perfect woman, but then also said I had many issues which I had to sort before he could trust me.

We talked every night for over two hours but the few times I couldn;t do it because I was too tired (being a working single mum) he said my passion had gone and I needed to buck up my ideas if I wanted to stay with him.

Oh and he called me a cunt the other day.

So yea he was pretty mean. You know in between being romantic and loving and caring and kind.

I feel sick today and like a fool. He has now moved onto some other people I think because I told him a few home truths and he wasn't getting me begging for him to come back.

Dont get me wrong, im pissed that he is makinh himself out to be innocent and the people who are agreeing with him...well are mostly women who have fallen for his charms. He can present himself very VERY well and is intoxicating to those around him. So I expected nothing else from others really.

What hurts me the most is that this man said he loved me but is deliberatley setting out to calculatedly hurt me. It is cruel and I am shocked he is capable of it. I thought he was at heart a good man.

Now I either have to accept he isn't or accept IM a pathetic fuckwit. I dunno which side im on in my head right now.

I guess it makes it worse that I always felt I was punching above my weight with this guy. Now he agrees too.

Blah.

You got away, Well done! Take dittany up on her invitation.

As she says, be proud of yourself. You did nothing wrong apart from trusting him, he was totally undeserving of that trust. He let you down.

you found out, you ended it. He is bitter, he is a sad little loser,will always be a sad little loser, on who has to bully others online cos he isn't even big enough to do it in RL. what a coward.

you however, will go on and find RL happiness.

He can agree with whatever he wants, but he was the one punching above his weight and not you, because he behaved like a manipulative bullying git and you called him on it and left. Good on you for standing up for yourself.

Woah, hold on, punching above my weight?

BOLLOCKS!

I had this with 'H', that is just an illusion. That is the persona they want to project, but he can only do that ONLINE, if he were that fabulous, he wouldn't BE online looking for a date, he'd be snapped up!

I always thought that H was better than me, more educated, more entreprenerial, more worldly.

Basically he is the pole opposite. he is insecure, he is clever, but my jury is out on whether he did actually study what he said he did. He spends his entire life trying to impress everyone, but treated me like shit. He lies constantly to everyone, to maintain his image, and trashed me to my dear friends to make me look shit. It back fired on him. he is a xenophobe, anti everyone, and misogynistic, controlling and generally abusive in all manner of the word.

I don't think this bloke is much of a catch at all!

He is a nasty abuser, he gaslighted you, destroyed your confidence, and is now trying to destroy your online personality too. He wanted you to dump your son? That is a no-brainer.

How many more red flags do you need?

You were and are out of his league, he couldn't compete with you, you are head and shoulders above him, that is why he wanted to bring you down, by pulling you to pieces, and trying to isolate you. That is why he is so bitter, and consequently so nasty, because you didn't fall for it and submit to his every whim.

You are not a pathetic fuckwit, and neither he is NOT a good hearted man. he is a skilled manipulator, he abuses all those he comes anywhere near, and you got sucked into it, as have many before you.. BUT you realised it was not right and have binned him.

YEAH YOU!!!

Look at the trash job he has done with your self esteem. Real relationships are not supposed to be like this!

How dare he, don't lose a second more over this freak, you are lucky to have got away, you are clever and know that it wasn't right.

I salute you!

neither is he, a superfluous NOT there..

So, he has since your split been carrying on displaying his unkind (polite terminology) personality. Try and remember this.

Print out a list of all the nasty stuff he did and said to you and stick it on the fridge and anywhere else to keep reminding yourself what he was/is like.

I'm just glad you have the distance between you and that you weren't living with him -he sounds a dangerously toxic and fucked up individual. He picked you because you were emotionally vulnerable end have not tuned in your nobber radar.

There is a thread on here about warning signs in relationships with men and about how very important it is to listen to your instincts when you sense something isn't quite right in a new relationship. There is nothing more important than that inner voice.

You are a prime candidate for meeting a RL nobber too OP - you need to get working on your self esteem!!.

Thank you everyone.

I know I have always been the type to try and see the good in everyone and always end up falling for the charming ones who treat me like shit.

Tonight I feel. Look I have a bright and beautiful boy who I will NOT hurt by hurting myself I swear it on everything.

But I feel crazy. I feel mentally unhinged and like I am losing my mind completley. I am shaking and being sick and I can't bloody TELL anyone cause they will say to pull myself together, it was only an online thing, hes a cunt etc etc.

I loved him so much but more than that I compromised myself on many levels to be with him. I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up and I know how selfish that is and how stupid and that makes me feel WORSE. Because I know people will look at this in exactly the same way I look at things with fresh eyes and go 'oh silly little young thing, she will be fine in a month or so'. It kills me to be such a mess.

Hate it. Boo.

Blah.

For the record also he wants nowt more to do with me, as I am apparantly the nastiest person he has ever met. Sent nice email wishing him well, response was to cyber fuck a friend online. And brag about it.

I'd deregister from whatever site it is, and channel your energies into something completely different. Don't torture yourself seeing what he's doing, he's just totally showing his true colours.

You have had the luckiest escape, and you have been strong and brave to get shot of him. That's what he can't stand, he sounds an utter arsehole, and controlling at that. He will want to punish you, don't let him.

Elmtree, in a little while the hurt will subside, then you will read this back and think PHEW!!!

The faster they heat up, the faster they cool. If you ever had the misfortune to be with this person in a RL scenario, you would possibly be on here begging for help to get you out of it.

Or possibly not, he sounds so dangerous as to lead me to think you wouldn't be allowed to be online again.

you have had the luckiest, luckiest escape ever. Soon you will see that.

You say that you compromised to be with him, REAL LOVE means you don't compromise to that extent.

Hell hath no fury like a sad misogynistic small-dicked cockmuncher scorned

OMG! I have to steal that hell hath no fury line LittleMissHiisyFit!

Thank you everyone. I went to bed in the end and then woke up feeling sicj to my stomach and ended up upchucking for a good half an hour, just re-hydrating myself. Weirdly I feel a little better after that.

I think you are all right about staying away and that I need to do more in RL to take up my time. People online are a bit nuts sometimes (present company excepted of course!).

Thank you.

He is not worth your health and well-being suffering. He's rubbish.

Tis all yours Elmtree, you deserve to use it!!