Letter i would like to give to my husband

[insanityrules]

For years our marriage has been a volatile one, promises of change never happen.
Apparently it's all my fault, i'm the moody one, the one who has a go at the kids, oh lets not i was the one who had an affair.
Everytime i want to speak my mind i think what's the point, you will never listen, i get the affair shoved in my face, i get called names, you slag my family off.
I used to dislike you but thought things could work out, now i'm afraid any love i had for you has turned to hate.
You killed our marriage the day you broke my arm, that wasn't your fault either was it.
I would so love to walk out and leave you wallowing in your self pity, but with 3 kids where would i go and you know it.
You bury your head in the sand by pouring drink down your neck, does it make you feel better no, you just drag everyone down with your moods.
Sometimes i dream of a better life then reality kicks in, i think i am turning into a nasty person, i wish you would disappear.
I am becoming dead inside, a nobody would you ever admit to creating this person - no you'd say i was mentally deranged.
One day i hope to forgive you but i can't right now.

A letter, unless you leave it in an empty house, will be a little pointless.

Make plans to leave today.

Take care.

Why are you still with this man? What the hell is your staying teaching your DC's about relationships?

Goodness. Start developing a Plan B. you can't live like that.

Instead of writing the letter, call Womens Aid and make plans to leave. Far better use of your time and energy.

Take care x

I have a plan B but it will take me 3 years to accomplish it. Don't know if i can mentally wait that long.
The house is not mine but his.
Everytime i try to voice how i feel, i get the guilt trip that i will destroy the children, he knows exactly what to say to make me cry and break down.

THREE YEARS, FGS the damage done to yourself and the children will be IMMENSE. Call Women's Aid NOW.

Three years sounds like too long to live like this. Can't you talk to Womens Aid and see if there is a plan C?

A safe life for you (OP) and your children is far more than any Fckng house. Phone Women's Aid NOW.

I WILL call them tomo.
I just needed to get that first post off my chest, it feels better putting things down and getting a reponse that's not condemming.
He makes me feel so guilty about the affair i had, i loved the other man but finished it due to not wanting my children know about it.

He's the one causing damage OP not you. The only certainty here is that if you stay you will be unhappy, you deserve more than this.

My dad was mentally cruel to my mum when I was growing up, she had an affair and eventually left my dad, it was the BEST thing she ever did and I respect her for it, she made all of us a lot happier.

Don't stay for your kids, they won't thank you for wasting your life being miserable for their sakes because they won't be happy either because they love you.

Reading what you all are writing is making me cry, i don't feel so alone.
To the outside world i am a strong opinionated person, at work i stand my ground, just at home i feel like a door mat.
Thank you all for reading this

Fwiw my dad came out of it better off too, he learnt it was no way to treat your wife and when he found a new wife he completely changed and has been happily married for 20yrs now, I think sometimes people bring out the worst in each other with my parents he brought out the depressed side of my mum and she brought out his controlling ways I guess. Both were better off apart.

You are married. The house is yours and your kid's. He has to go.

splitsville, population: you.

and if you don't own the house, you can't lose it really can you?

If your children live in a house with fights and violence they are being done untold harm. They cannot afford to wait 3 years or 3 more days. Ring Women's Aid - the only thing that matters is your and your children's safety and a secure life. Get out. Nothing you have is worth staying for.