How do I know if I'm depressed?

[Cat98]

Put this in relationships but I think it's more than that.

I have one child (toddler), had a difficult year last year where my dh thought he might leave, I was crying out to him for reassurance and love all the time. I am really worried now I'm depressed. Things have been much better between DH and I but I am always so paranoid, the last week we have had 4 awful arguments so I'm worried we're going back to where we were. I'm always jealous and paranoid, I feel he's cold when I need his warmth most. I feel useless, like I should be able to cope but I'm not. Our child isn't sleeping and I'm knackered, also have been ill for about 2 weeks and feel so run down. I can't go to bed early because I don't trust leaving my DH awake on the computer. He would come to bed if I asked but I don't feel I can. This is such a garbled post, sorry. Basically I sobbed to him last night and this morning, I told him he needs to try and help me more, he said I need to ask, I thought he should realise when I'm constantly saying how tired I am that I need a break. I try so hard to be a good mum but feel like I'm failing at everything. Am I depressed? I can't go to my GP, he isn't very sympathetic. Don't know what to do.

You sound pretty depressed to me, although whether it's clinical depression or circumstances it's hard to tell. Also can't tell from your post whether your H is actively contributing to this or whether he is just not very understanding. Some men do need to have it spelled out to them what you need, which isn't much good when you don't know yourself...

Is it at all possible to see a different GP? If you really can't, perhaps you can drag a bit of help out of the current one. He doesn't have to be sympathetic (although that would be nice!), he just has to do his job. I do understand, though, that when you're in a low place it is very difficult to demand anything, as you just don't have the strength to be forceful and in any case you doubt whether you're worth it. For the avoidance of doubt, you ARE worth it and it's very unlikely that you are failing nearly as badly as you feel you are. Human beings are allowed not to be perfect.

You need to see a different GP, you have the right to change! There are also multichoice tests for depression out there if you look at google, or maybe try posting in mental health for advice, many useful books too? Also, depending on how old your child is maybe talk to the health visitors? Good luck.

Why can't you have regular early nights? Do you have difficulty leaving your DH on the computer? If you don't trust him, then that could be a big part of the problem.

I wouldn't survive the early starts/broken nights I have with my smallest guy unless I had several early nights each week. You must be exhausted.

I've been in a similar place to where you were. Living in an uncertain atmosphere is horribly stressful, throw in the exhaustion of dealing with a small child and no wonder you feel down.

When anxiety goes on for a long time, your body starts to adjust to being in a state of permanent stress, cortisol levels rise and it can make you feel dreadful.

I imagine you probably are suffering from low level depression because of the situation you're living in, and you need to get to the bottom of that before you can improve things. I imagine you're feeling insecure, don't totally trust your DH and sound to be living on eggshells a little. That is so emotionally and physically exhausting in itself. I'd highly recommend counselling as a starting point, you may be able to get a referral through your GP.

#thank you for the helpful replies, I was worried I would be flamed! Yes loves2cycle, I don't trust him completely, there was an incident a while ago involving the computer, not terrible but breaking some trust, so he doesn't stay up on it late at night any more.

I don't know if I can request a different gp, it's a very small practice but I will try. Anniegetyourgun, you have hit the nail on the head that I don't feel I am worth it, I think they will laugh at me. I am also worried about hereditary depression as my Dad was very depressed for a while and then reacted to his tablets and it was awful. I do think the situation with DH is a big part, but I honestly don't know if it's him, me or both of us - I know I am unreasonable possessive or snappy, the latter because I am tired often.

thatsnotmyfruitshoot - you summed it up very well, though we went to relate last year and I didn't find it helpful, maybe a little with the relationship stuff but not at all with my issues. Think I need a bit more than just being allowed to talk - I really need some cbt or something, no idea where to find it though. Or do I - is it all caused by DH? I really don't know. So confused.

I did a test thing online and scored 7 out of 10, the cut off was 5.

livinginazoo - thanks, sorry missed you out! My child is 2 so too old for talking to hv I think? Please correct if I am wrong though!

HV will help if you have any issues, I got help from mine and DS was nearly 4!

don't stop until you get someone to help you! Even if you have to change practices to get someone to take you seriously, do it.

I don't know what a HV would do, but they are meant to be able to look out for PND - not for a minute saying that is what you have, but the D bit must be something they can advise you of and help you get the treatment you need. Any avenue is worth exploring and you are worth it and no one will laugh at you, and if you are unhappy with your GP demand another one or change practice!!

Hi Cat98

Sorry to hear you've been feeling so low. Have you felt like this before? I'm just wondering if it's post-natal depression (and no, two years is not too late for it to kick in!), but depression does have a heredity marker so if your Dad had it you are more likely to suffer as well.

I would suggest you go to the GP (ours is not very sympathetic either, but was actually fab when we went to see him to get my DH's depression diagnosed) and see if you can get referred for CBT. Often the GPs are happy to do this before they think about putting you on ADs. That will help you to work on your self esteem and realise that you are SO worth it. If they suggest ADs, don't be put off by your Dad's experience - there are lots of different types, and you need to badger the GP to change them if you don't feel they are right for you.

Next, to tackle your DH - you say you don't trust him because of something that happened last year. Well, it's not you being paranoid is it? He did something wrong, so he is the one who needs to earn that trust back. I think you should try to find some quiet time to talk to him calmly about how you feel and that you think you may have depression. Men are often better at dealing with things when they have an official label, especially if you can give him some positive things to do, e.g. it would really help me if you could put the bins out (or whatever). Then, when you are not so exhausted and you are thinking more clearly again, you can start to look more closely at your relationship and any issues there.

To sum up, you need to get you (singular) sorted out first so your DC has a happy mummy, then sort you (plural).

I hope this helps - I know from living with a depressive how awful it is when the black cloud descends, so I really sympathise with you. Remember that depression is an illness, you can't control whether you get it or not, and it is not your fault.

Keep in touch on this thread to let us know how you're getting on - we're here for you.

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. In my experience depending on anyone always leads to trouble. Could you try going to playgroup and meeting new friends and getting self esteem from somewhere else???

I know this might be contreversial but try taking vitamins they really do help you feel more active and happier.

My ex ex used to look in the mirror and tell hiself he was amazing and he really really believed it lol! Could you try telling yourself positive things in the mirror?

basically men can sometimes mistreat women who they perceive as needy, however unfair that might be. I think you need to find a few people/sources of happiness/esteem.

Any by the way women who feel paranoid often have VERY good reason for those feelings. It might be you are obsessing and it might be that you are right.

If the worst comes to the worst you will survive and you will move on and you will meet someone else,and you have a lovely child to show for it.

All the best I hope it does work out for you

Most areas have CBT now. You need to just ask your GP if they can refer.

As for staying up to police your DH's computer activity - this is totally unrealistic and does not allow for a healthy relationship. If he chooses to go on porn/sex etc. sites knowing that you are not happy with it, this needs to be addressed. You'll only exhaust yourself and turn your relationship into a parent-child dynamic if this continues.

Oh, poor you. You sound utterly knackered, a bit scared and really quite depressed. I'm breaking the 'rules' to send you a hug
{{{ }}}

There seem to be a few main things here:
1] You're tired (understandable with toddler)
2] You feel insecure in your marriage
3] You have a very poor sense of your own worth

Now these things feed into each other. First off, I'd like you to follow all the advice on this thread, including the vitamins - get yourself a multi-vitamin & mineral suppplement. You need at least the RDA of iron and humungous amounts of B vitamins (mine is over 5,000 percent of RDA). This is because iron deficiency makes you tired, and depression depletes B vitamins.

There is a good, free, online CBT course here. Please sign up and work through it, it can help with any negative thinking that might be bringing you down. Some anti-depressants will also help you through the worst of it: bully your doctor! You are worth it :)

Now for the rest. I'm not surprised you feel insecure. Your husband nearly left you last year and there has been an 'incident' which shook your trust in him. Anyone would feel insecure under those circumstances. It's not at all unreasonable. If he's telling you this insecurity is "your problem", then he's really not getting what a partnership is all about.

Grit your teeth, I'm about to tell you something very weird. A man I know found out at the age of 45 that what he does & says affects other people. Yes, I know
That simple piece of information explained, all in one go, why all his relationships failed. (Mumsnet should have a head-bang-against-wall emoticon!) It's possible your H actually is as dumb as my friend ... Start by explaining this stuff to him, calmly and with as much detachment as possible. Also, try swapping "I'm so tired" for "Will you get the dinner / change the baby / whatever please?"

First thing every day, give your reflection a beautiful smile. And keep posting to your thread :)

Good luck. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

How are you feeling today, Cat98?

Hi Cat98

How are you doing this morning hon?

As Grace says - keep posting to this thread. It gives you somewhere anonymous to let it all out, which can only be a good thing, and there are lots of people here who are sympathetic and supportive.

Thank you so much, you're all so kind!

Vanillacandle - I think asking to be referred for something like that would be ideal actually.

I don't think I really deserve all your sympathy though - I am not really a good person. I appear to be to other people but I think my DH prbably knows different. I get very angry and frustrated when arguing and lose my temper easily. It's true there was an incident but I've always been jealous and paranoid and I don't know how to change. It's worse since the incident (which some wives probably wouldn't even mind, but I did!) I raised it with relate but they didn't really help, just inferred it was wrong to feel like this which I know, but how do I stop it? The thought of going to bed and leaving DH up on the computer terrifies me. I shake and get more and more upset until he comes to bed with me if he's still downstairs. Not normal, I know. But part of me thinks he needs to help me, but then why is it down to him when I'm being so unreasonable?

Grace - thank you for your comprehensive reply. I will definitely take vitamins, not something I've thought of but my diet isn't wonderful either so they will probably help. Also I will have a look at the CBT course.
DH is quite young - younger than me (2 years)and I'm his only ever serious relationship, we've been together since we were teenagers, and I just don't think he's naturally very empathetic. He wants everything back to normal. I told him last night I was worried I might be depressed and he just suggested the GP, I wanted a big conversation about it but he doesn't really do that sort of thing :) Just the way he is, and I've always known that.
I think the bottom line is I'm so frightened of being abandoned, rejected - if he leaves me, I might lose my son too as he could argue I'm not fit to be a mother :( this might sound silly and dramatic but it's an underlying fear if I ever think "I'll just leave if it gets too bad". And he is a good, kind man, really. Just not perfect. But who is? I'm anything but :( so why do I feel so.. just awful? Is it the illness? I don't know.

Grace - just wanted to add he doesn't tell me the insecurity is my problem, just gets frustrated and asks if I'm ever going to let it go. I don't know. He says he understands I'm still worried about it but sometimes he seems to be fed up with it all (understandably). I'm worried one day he will just snap and say "I'm not putting up with this level of control any more" and go. I'm sure outsiders would think he was well within his righs. This is my fear. I want our family to be happy and him to love me always :(

I'm so sorry to be so needy. Nowhere else I can be is there!

I have to go now and wake my child but will come back later, this really is a lifeline thank you so much

Cat a few questions, based on what you've told us.

Why did your H say he wanted to leave last year?
What was the incident that damaged your trust and when did this happen, in relation to his threat to leave?
What were your 4 awful arguments about last week?
What does he do and say that you feel is evidence of "coldness", as described in your OP?
You said in a later post that because of the computer incident, that he doesn't stay up late on it anymore. Yet you imply that if you go to bed, he will stay up late and use the computer. So is the only reason he's not staying up late and using it, to avoid detection, in your view?
I'd be pretty aghast at a Relate therapist telling you that your feelings about whatever this incident was, were "wrong", so tell us more about that.

Last year I was very depressed and am only just realising now what a mess I was in now I have come out of the fog so to speak.
The way you describe things is exactly how I felt so huge ((hugs)).

This thread has an amazing self help plan and helped me a lot please read it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/368966-self-help-plan-for-all-those-struggling-to-cope

Please don't think you are an awful person - IT IS THE ILLNESS. I don't know how I can shout it any louder! My DH is just the same - he says he feels a failure because he can't be strong for us and he's hurting the family etc, but I know it's only the depression talking. When you're in the middle of an episode (like you are) you cannot think straight and are totally irrational. It also makes you feel you can't cope or deal with things that when you are well you would take in your stride. This is what causes the feelings of anger and frustration, because on some level you know you're being irrational but there's nothing you can do about it. The reason you are feeling jealous and paranoid is probably to do with your self-esteem, which also goes through the floor when you are a depressive. And as for the shaking and panic when he is on the computer at night - GUESS WHAT? THE ILLNESS AGAIN!!

So, please please please please - get yourself to the GP asap, tell them everything (feelings of panic, low self worth, inability to cope, anger, frustration, paranoia - the lot) and ask to be referred for CBT and for a prescription for ADs. The trouble with CBT on its own is that if you are in the middle of a bad episode, you can't change your thinking because of the condition, so you need to be stabilised first with tablets.

Also, please keep posting with regular updates, as we'll worry about you if you go quiet!
What kind of day have you had today?

PS - There is no way you can be classed as an unfit mother just because you are a depressive. Provided that you're not harming your child, and your condition is being controlled, you've nothing to worry about. But that is why it's important to get help quickly - to help stop these feelings of panic.
Also, as soon as you are stabilised, and getting back to normal, things will get easier between you and DH.
Believe me, living with an undiagnosed/untreated depressive can be really scary - I've only got the hang of it after 14 years of practice in dealing with black clouds, so your DH will probably be feeling the same. It might be an idea for him to come to the GP with you (I went with DH) as it gives the GP a "normal" person's view of what's going on. My DH played it all down to the GP because he didn't want to come across as a fruitcake, but I told it like it was. Fortunately, the GP believed me, not him!
Another idea would be to contact an organisation like Mind for some support for him as well as for you.

Sorry - this has turned out to be rather a long PS, but I hope it helps.

Hi, thank you everyone again. Wwifn- to answer your questions: 1) because he felt 'weird' and didn't know if we were in love any more. We had been having lots of arguments and it was during this time. 2) the incident was when we were supposed to be mending stuff, after threat to leave etc. He stayed at his parents (empty) house one night to 'get some sleep' while i stayed home with our son and my mum was visiting. He also had to stay there btw to look after the house. The next day i opened his laptop and found it on an internet sex chat site. I tackled him, he denied it for ages before admitting it but swore it was just the once and that it wouldn't load up anyway. I didn't believe him, he used to stay up late 'working' on the computer. He swears he's never used it before. I still don't know if i believe him. 3) little things that blew up. One was because we were up watching a film and i'd told him how tired i was so wanted to go to bed, he didn't notice the time and i casually said it would be great if he'd remind me as i really needed to go to bed early, not cross but he got really defensive so i got paranoid again tthat he obviously doesn't love me. Ok i know that sounds crazy but at the time it seemed like the end of the world. It escalated. 4) he just doesn't seem to care as mich if i'm upset, i can't put my finger on it he seems to get frustrated rather than worrying or caring as i would if he was upset. But i know it must be so confusing for him.

Vanillacandle- that is exactly it. I am irrational but how do i stop being? I really hope they will be able to help me. I don't know if i want dh to come as i don't want him to know the extent of my neediness but maybe he should. I would never and have never done anything to my son and dh says i'm a good mum, he doesn't readily compliment so i hope it's true! Paulinefouler- you are right that thread is great, thank you. Today i have been ok, kept busy with ds, seen friends, just felt panicky again earlier when ds was sleeping.

Well, if he told you he wasn't sure he loved you and was thinking of leaving and you then found that he had been on a sex chat site and lied about it afterwards, then I'm not altogether surprised you're feeling insecure. Not helped at all by the vulnerability every new Mum feels and the PND to boot.

Telling someone you're not sure you love them and are thinking of leaving is pretty extreme, you know. But tell me, did he express it like that, or as you just said - that he wasn't sure if you still loved eachother? What was going on around this time? You say you were having arguments, but what were those about?

Tell me more about the Relate sessions, too.

I'm not sure why you felt it was his responsibility to tell you the time and urge you to go to bed and wonder whether this was a somewhat indirect attempt by you to get him to come to bed at the same time?

How is your communication generally? Is it direct, or is it full of hints and disguised messages?

You see, I'm not sure that you are being paranoid at all. It's pretty unmistakeable if someone cares about you - as unmistakeable as coldness and detachment. Is it that his words don't appear to match his behaviour?

Hi Cat

How are you doing this morning? Have you made that appointment yet?

I hear what you say about not being sure taking your DH to the GP with you, but instead of "neediness" remember you are actually ill. You wouldn't feel bad involving him if you had flu or chickenpox or a broken leg, would you? Well, this is no different. Again, it may make him understand why you have been as you have for the past few months if a professional explains to him that this is what the disease is like.

As for how to stop being irrational - it's the same thing. Basically, depression is an imbalance of chemicals and hormones in the brain. Certain ones are at a lower level than normal (i.e. depressed, hence the name of the condition), and the condition can be controlled (but not cured) by taking tablets that boost those chemicals back to normal or near-normal levels. It works like diabetics taking insulin - you will always have the condition, but it can be controlled well enough that you don't always notice it. My DH still falls off the tightrope from time to time, but after several years since diagnosis, he is learning to "live with" it rather than "suffer from" it.

Apart from ADs, the best therapy is talking about it - to DH, family, friends (and of course us MNers) and people around you will learn how to deal with it too. Have you tried talking to your mum?