Coping with a selfish partner

[bacon]

Good man, workaholic, grafter, provides etc etc....but wants to have the freedom to do what he likes so I'm usually stuck on my own or up late doing all the things I cant get done in the day as he wont help at all.

Hobbies at weekend hours and hours bike riding, motorbikes, fitness, early nights, early mornings etc. I'm left struggling to find how to entertain two under 5's.

Talk about it....have but he states he works hard and he wants to enjoy and get fit at weekends/evenings. He just doesnt enjoy doing the family thing at all.

Im a SAHM and particially help run the business. Like most mums I do everything and I mean everything. I do enjoy my home life but really he is taking the P out of me to an extent I'm starting to stick up for myself and its just causing bad vibes. Being more assertive just makes the atmos worse and I just dont know how to get around this.

He's always been pretty self centered but this isnt the family life I envisaged. He didnt enjoy the baby stage at all and managed to avoid any help there and really doesnt do much with the boys at all - only maintenance and boy things but wouldnt dream of acually taking them out. He does love them but they seem to be 99% my responsibility.

I usually dont go to bed till late these days as this is the only me time I get. What makes me laugh most of the time he thinks we are great together (not surprised having a fab housekeeper) Sex to him has no connection with how well we are getting along he still expects it which bugs me. This is my 2nd marriage but honestly its not great.

'He just doesnt enjoy doing the family thing at all.'

Did you not ascertain this before you had kids with him?

'Like most mums I do everything'

I don't do everything and wouldn't be with someone who expected me to. Neither are many women.

Sounds pretty shit tbh.

nah nah nah - i get equal down time, i'm not a slave.

theres no question attached to you post - but i would either
go to counselling

have a serious - buck the fuck up conversation

or just divorce him

im not one for shouting leave him at the drop of a hat - but this is deeply ingrained with respect - his for you and you for yourself.

some things that happen occasionally - even some bad things - you can work through and get over - like say having an affair for instance. if you want to work at getting over this and moving on, i suppose it can be done if both parties are willing

but if one persons whole life is scheduled around him and him alone with no thought for the other person - theres a lot of stuff to get over there. it needs a serious whole life change

its more than -" it's your turn to wash the pots"

You start with 'good man' but I fail to see it. You paint a bleak picture of you being his skivvy while he does what he likes when he likes.

My DH isn't very hands-on with our DDs either, but that doesn't stop me leaving him with them 2 or 3 nights a week, plus a lot of Sunday mornings.

Have you pointed out that you work hard too and would like to relax on weekends and evenings too?

How old are your DSs? Do you get any time to relax, go to a class, see friends, go to the gym etc while they're at school?

So what if confronting him makes the atmosphere worse. Why should you suck it up and be miserable while he jollies about. Find a regular activity, sign up, then tell him you are going out. And stop the housework etc at 5pm. Look after the DSs, but make it clear to him that you're only working set hours until he does his fair share of the evening and weekend tasks too.

As moondog and Custy have said, most mums don't do everything. I certainly don't. Nor would I, and I certainly wouldn't put up with a man who expected me to.

I get very, very worried by the number of women on MN, mostly SAHMs, who are living as unpaid housemaids and nannies, and nothing more.

I have DD 5yrs and DD 6 mths. my DH refuses to be left alone with DD2 (as he can't soothe her when she cries - we have tried a few times). So, while he gets his golf time, and to go out maybe once a month I'm a SAHM with 2 kids. BUT he does do chores, we agree in advance when he will play golf etc (it's not sacrosanct) and I get a lie in on Saturday mornings (with DD2) while he takes DD1 to karate.

What am I saying? I guess you need to insist that you have time for you built into the family routine, and if he has to give something up so be it. IMHO once dad's (in general) engage with family life they enjoy it more - can he give it a whole hearted try?

There's a lot of men out there like this. Those yet to witness it, don't kid yourselves they are in the minority.

Christ knows what any of us stuck with these selfish tits do about it. Er, I know, leave them so our sons don't perpetuate the reality due to example.

I don't do everything either, and I'm a lone parent!!!! The teens and younger chodren all have chores to do to keep the home ticking over!!

Even when they've been at school all day!!

Please, gather u your dignity and give him a HUGE wake up call!!!

He needs to curtail those 'hobbies' and do things with his family

I dont do everything and I dont think most mums with husbands do ime. If you want to go out just arrange to go out.

I go clubbing nearly every week as thats my thing and my husband goes to watch the footie or play the xbox. Both of you should have 1 whole night and next morning where you dont have to move or do anything. He should be doing that anyway but if he doesnt why dont you just arrange it and go?

It's all about compromise, is family life. Very few people have it picture perfect.

However, I think rest and relaxation time away from family life is vital, but it must also be EQUAL. 'd be tempted to organise a weekend away with friends or whatever, and just tell him. Then go. And don't ring up every half an hour to see if he's put their scarves on.

I see a lot of relationships like this on MN too and it saddens me. I also see the consequences of this rather too frequently i.e. when he has an affair.

The script that I am about to paint is so obvious when you look at it. The man is under-invested in family life and especially his romantic relationship. Leisure time is hugely unequal between the couple and the man is inherently selfish. His wife grows ever more resentful but tries to get him to make changes, to no avail. Her resentment and exhaustion grows and this kills her libido, so not only is she feeling unloved and aggrieved, her sexual needs are not being met.

The husband interprets this as her having no sexual needs and complains to the nearest idiot childless woman that his wife doesn't like sex. She cooes that she loves sex and vows that when she has a family, she won't be like this. An affair starts and the man will tell anyone who's prepared to listen that it has happened because he wasn't "getting enough" understanding, sex, respect and adoration.

The truth is, this horrible cycle only started when he stopped "giving" to the romantic relationship and the family life that he once claimed he wanted.

Stop the rot, OP. If you cannot get through to him with a calm, adult conversation then go to counselling. You will end up as an exhausted martyr without a sex life if you're not careful and I'm sure this wasn't the life you envisaged when you married him.

It's not 'helping'. It's doing his fair share.

What Custy and WWIFN said.

My last relationship was like this. He was selfish, had all the material goods and time off that he wanted while I got none of either. It crept up on me and over the year I accepted more and more acts of selfishness. In the end he had an affair and left me and our DCs, the ultimate selfish act. I should have put my foot down sooner.

years not year.
Put my foot down or got out, anyway.

WWIFN - your post is very perceptive.

OP is a SAHM (but helps with the business as well), and I think that with alot of SAHM's there can be the perception (with some men maybe) that his role is to 'go to work and provide for the home and family financially, and if he does that, then his partner/wife's role is to do the majority of the household/kids role. I know there are two parents involved in this situation, and that is a joint role; I'm just referring to being in a more historically traditional scenario.

You are right. Having no joint parental support/no support with housework/running the home, leads to alot of feelings of resentment by the SAHM, and on top of that, no 'me time' for the mum, no time to recharge her batteries, just looking on as her partner does what he wants in life to suit himself - all become factors which lessen/kill her libido. She is too annoyed and unsupported/feels like a housekeeper, not a wife.

bacon - almost as if he is living a single life but under the umbrella of 'being married and having a family'.

bacon - you must break the dynamics of this. As others have said, put your foot down that you are going to see a friend/going to start an evening class/something at the weekend etc...

I can see why, when a selfish man, who has created the dynamics of a relationship, can, in his stupidity, think the grass is greener and much more exciting that the boring martyr he has at home.

Bacon - I see your main disappointment though is this is just not the family life you had envisaged when you had your two lovely dc. You probably wanted a family unit, a feeling of unity as a family, rather than mum and kids, and dad doing his own thing alot of the time?

You say he will do things with them at home but not extend this to taking them out. What about you all going out as a family regularly? Does he do that?

Did your H ever get up in the night when they were babies. Mine didn't do it even once. Never. Not even, when I was ill/bad from post ops. Because 'he worked'.

Do you think you can change this to being more of the family you wished for? You can't do it on your own, he has to want to do it too.

Yes and this is what makes me cross when I see couples recovering from an affair that was started by the under-invested partner. All the focus is on what the unfaithful partner wasn't "getting" from the relationship and even counsellors collude in this nonsense, as well as ill-informed observers.

When someone is under-invested, you could give them the moon on a stick and they still wouldn't become more invested, because the problem is with them not giving enough.

Ironically, the best deterrent to infidelity is insisting on equal amounts of give and take - and just not putting up with this rubbish. Not bargaining away selfishness and a lack of romantic love with the refrain that "he works very hard.."

People are unfaithful when they have checked out of the relationship; either they have done so long ago without their partner realising it or they have made themselves under-invest only after an affair partner has loomed into view.

OP if you look at it as clearly and starkly as your H is under-invested in your relationship, you will hopefully reframe what is happening in your marriage and take action now before you hear the same tired old excuses about you not "giving enough".

OP - natural that you feel taken for granted when it comes to sex, which he expects as part of the package.

'Ironically, the best deterrent to infidelity is insisting on equal amounts of give and take - and just not putting up with this rubbish. Not bargaining away selfishness and a lack of romantic love with the refrain that "he works very hard.." '

Bravo, WWIFN!

'He's great but . . . '

It boils down to this: do unto others as you would have them do to you.

If you would never dole out certain treatments to your spouse or partner then why on Earth do you take such treatments in return?

'Would I do this to H/partner?' If the answer is no, then why accept such behaviour yourself?

Its very difficult to say 'I'm going out at 6pm - thats it!' as we live on a small farm and he works off the farm so times can vary what time he comes in. When he does get back there is loads of maintenance and prep for the employees in the morning its not just get home and shut the door. Its difficult for people who have never run a business to understand the constant hardwork when most of you get holidays, weekends, evenings etc. This is why he is a grafter and isnt workshy, great attitude to acheivement and thinking of the future. A few of his good points.

My question is how do I address this and get some sence into him? Without the same comments you're going on, constant moaning, just get on with it etc. Ironically, his mother left his father for near enough the same reason (many yrs ago) he resents his mother for this but really he is turning into his father!!!!

I agree with everyone who sayes eventually I'm going to get so resentful and wonder off but I dont want to. I'm trying to get fit and loose weight so I need to get out in the evenings too which isnt happening - then he sayes I'm making excuses??? The boys - one under 2 and the other 5. I have ignored the situation and get on with it as woman in agriculture in the past slog their guts out for nout. But we are not really in agriculture anymore so I dont see that as an excuse. I do have a nice home, stunning boys, few friends but people can see the exhaustion and unhappiness in my life.

gardenglory you put it perfectly and you make total sence. Yes, my OH didnt get up once when the babies were young - just moaned about them. When I was ill there wasnt much help there either, I am pretty bitter when I have to hear story after story about the caring sharing husband.

Its like he does know what he's like but doesnt want to change (like he's giving in)madness!

I'm always flabbergasted to see another story about a woman who equates not being the breadwinner with being the family doormat. Your situation sounds very sad - you are run ragged and miserable while hubbie dearest gets to slap the paycheck down on the kitchen table and then walk out to do as he sees fit, waving goodbye to the kids on his way out.

Please understand that this is NOT a normal situation and would not be tolerated by most women.

"he states he works hard and he wants to enjoy and get fit at weekends/evenings. He just doesnt enjoy doing the family thing at all"

So are you not working hard? Do you not also deserve some time to enjoy YOURSELF? And why does not enjoying his family time mean he gets to shrug the responsibility off onto you?

You really need to start standing up for yourself and if he is unwilling to be anything other than the cashpoint for you and your children, then he needs to go

Oh, and my DH also runs his own business so I am well aware of the demands of that kind of work but he has NEVER used it as an excuse not to spend time with his family or to stop me from doing anything I wanted for myself