This is a difficult one to write, I don?t think there is anything I can do, I just need support.
DH suffers from depressive bouts: started way before we met, intensified and when he left his last job we thought they?d end as he stopped working nights and GP seemed to think that was the cause. He ahs another bout now and this time I can?t seem to take it like I normally would.
I won?t be leaving; I am a carer and if we cannot find a way to manage childcare with two of us, I sure as hell won?t be able to alone. Moving would mean losing all my friends (who are miles away and shared, he?d have to have the car), and the house which is rented, and the specialist education I fought for years for but is related to living in a place I could not afford on benefits. DH wouldn?t pay me a penny; he?s said that before and is on such a low income right now he wouldn?t have to anyway.
It?s hard to explain really- he is just so miserable, always, he comes in and shouts, complains about his awful day, tells me how everyone is out tt get him (they always are). They are not of course, I was in a similar role, it?s a normal workload but he won?t accept that. In his world everything revolves about him; he?s quite narcissistic.
My children have picked up it?s OK to yell at me too, but he says that?s my fault for being a bad Mum, not his.
If I went my family would turn on me I know (they prefer him, he can switch on charm big time) and I?m only just realising how he has disposed of every friend I had before. There is nobody. And you know with a bigger family anyway and no babysitting I?d be so lonely and isolated, at least sometimes he is in a good mood and we go out (NEVER organised by him: he never asks how I am, does anything romantic, he used to clean about the house but has been clearly deliberately cutting that down from 50% to very little now, we are at half the washing up stage now. And then he yells at me as the rest isn?t done well enough. I know I am here all day but I am also caring all night and worn out. He doesn't do any of teh disability stuff- it's all been my battle.
I am just feeling lonely I guess, and self indulgent.
And a bit worried I actively feel scared when he yells and do the whole thing of doing anything not to upset him.
He won;t take AD's any more as they do dim him down a lot; and I am hoping a Christmas trip away will help. Until next time.
After we married I found out that DH had a reputation for being a psychological bully but had simply not allowed me to meet those friends from his past.