MIL

[MilkMonitor]

I get on quite well with my MIL but am I wrong in telling her bluntly she can't expect other people to keep her busy or find things for her to do all the time?

She's 58. She has never worked and for the past five or so years, has complained she has nothing to do, no interests that she can think of, no hobbies.

She would like to focus all her energies on her grandchildren but they're at school, she lives too far away etc.

So she walks her dogs, rattles round her big house all day and waits for her husband to come home.

They visit us every six weeks for a weekend. It's fine but visiting us is obviously a massive deal for her and on departure, she sobs when she leaves the dcs to go home, making it a dramatic departure because I think she's not looking forward to going back to her empty house. She counts down the days until the next visit.

What I do get is that she is bored out of her skull. Fil gets frustrated with her and confided in me that whatever he suggests she do or might take an interest in, she pooh poohs and basically won't do anything to make it better.

I'm now starting to get the feeling that she is getting other people to run around her. She wants me to call her every day "to help keep her busy" and I just don't want to. I'll call her once a week. Dh calls them once a week and skypes them with the dcs once a week too.

I feel guilty though not calling her every day and I also feel like I'm going to be facilitating her non-action. I feel sorry for her and also depressed about her life for her because it must be dull, uninspiring and grim. But if someone chooses not to have interests and hobbies and choose to lean on other people and those people feel bad if they don't allow this, what can you do?

My parents aren't like this at all. They're both in their 70's and lead full, busy independent lives. I'm not used to a needy person like this and because her daughter doesn't want much to do with her, I think she's really looking to me to keep her busy. I've enough to do!

I feel bad.

milkmonitor its the old adage ...... you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

My mother when alive used to call me every day and it used to drive me crazy.

She thought she was helping me as my ex worked offshore but she was really holding me back. I got to the stage when i just didnt answer the phone when i knew it would be her. I felt rotten but sometimes I just couldnt take any more.

You cant let your MIL infringe on your time but I dont have an answer for you, sorry.

You are not responsible for her.

My MIL has a full and busy life but still complains about everything and how she is such a victim. We know there is nothing that can be done.

Just get on with your own life and don't let her drain you.

I wouldn't get get sucked into the phone call every day thing (unless it was to a genuinely needy/ill/distressed/lonely family member, which she is not). Your MIL doesn't sound very happy but that isn't your fault and she visits you/speaks to you with reasonable frequency. Don't start feeling responsible for her.

Blimmin' heck! 58???!! I am 50, she sounds like a woman old before her time. She's MY generation. I agree, you can't dig her out of this, she has to help herself. Speaking to her on the phone every day will drag you down too. DON"T FEEL BAD....there's lots she could do out there.

I agree with others who say not to give into the phonecall every day. It's not your duty to keep her busy.

I would imagine her lack of willingness to do anything about her boredom is due to low confidence. Would it be possible for your DH or her husband to talk to her and try to gently coax her into doing some voluntary work? Perhaps there's a local charity shop where she could work for just one day a week? It might take a lot of persuading but once she does one day she might like it so much that she ups her hours and gets a bit of purpose back in her life.

It won't be easy to persuade her. I know my mother (who is 55) could easily have become like this, but due to constant prodding and encouragement from her three daughters has really branched out over the last few years and has a much fuller and happier life as a result. She works fulltime but was bored in her job and needed to be practically coerced into going for a promotion for which she was convinced she wasn't qualified. She got the promotion and the boost to her confidence has really turned her life around. She's done loads of new things since then such as travelling and joining yoga.

Your MIL is totally stuck in a rut which is very sad and very hard to get out of. The only way is to help (if that's what you want to do) is just dismiss her excuses and make it clear that you expect her to do something about her life. I told my my mum in no uncertain terms that she had to go for the promotion interview and that I'd be very angry if she didn't. She knew I wasn't really serious, but it was the push she needed and if it did go wrong she could protect her sense of self worth by saying it was my fault. I spent hours on the phone to her (I was living in a different city) coaxing and cajoling and encouraging her and it worked. The difference now is massive - she has great pride in herself and looks better than she has done in years.

She can.........

go to library.
drive to shopping. if she cannot drive, learn to do so.
teach someone to read.
do puzzles.
batch cooking.
quilt.
photography, needlepoint, crochet, knit.
garden.
walk dogs for humane society.
foster kittens.
go to Y for water aerobics.
junior college, classes might be free for seniors--if she is old enough to qualify.
go to Senior Center although she is a bit young. ahem.
help kids read in elementary school.
redo a room--paint it herself.
find beautiful vintage furniture.
redo that furniture herself.
Join hiking group.
Join senior group that goes on outings.

I hope she isn't waiting around for someone to drive her somewhere.

I'm totally shocked to read that your MIL is 58!! I thought you were going to say that she was in her 70s.

I would stand well back, you do a lot already and you don't need to take responsibility for her wellbeing.

If she doesn't have to work, there are many, many organisations looking for volunteers. I'm assuming that she has some skills she could share? Giving some time to others could transform her life.

I'm still trying to get over how young she is and how needy she sounds. What a shame for the family as a whole.

My MIL wasn't this bad, but she was a bit like this. Her main occupation was making up things to worry about which was a bloody nightmare. I suggested so many possibilities, some things she'd expressed interest in, some from out of left field just in case etc etc. I offered to do some with her. Nothing worked. What she wanted was to have me at her beck and call.

Your MIL is old enough to sort herself out if she wants to. She doesn't want to so nothing you do will work and even if you were to phone her once an hour, you'd find that after a week you'd have to double your calls.

Horse, water, drink. Leave her to it and don't pander to her.

I wouldn't phone every day. Let her son phone if he wants. I wouldn't expect my husband to phone my dad daily if he was bored so see no reason for you to phone his mother.
I'd give her a few pointers of things she can do then leave it up to her. People with boring lives are often very good at playing "yes but" games where you think up something for them to do and they'll counter it with "yes but..." with some lame reason why that activity wouldn't suit.
People with lives that look empty to others have usually chosen to live like that. It's easy to fill your day if you are motivated to do so.
I would have a word with her about the crying though, that's not on every time she leaves. She may be depressed, but may just be self centred, as self centred people have difficulty getting involved in things that don't revolve around them so often have few hobbies.