Relationship with PIL - how to deal?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Hi all - apologies for putting this here, its not nearly as difficult or important as some of the posts - but wasn't sure where else it should go.

So the background is that DP and I have been together 5 years now. We both used to live in the Midlands, but shortly after meeting DP I moved over 150 miles away. We did long distacne thing for a year, and then he moved to be with me - we have been living here happily for 4 years now.

Due to a medical condition I was told I would never be able to have children. However a few months ago, on investigating some symptoms I was having the doctor announced I was nearly 5 months pregnant - very big surprise!! . We are both overjoyed, and am not sitting here at 39+4 waiting for LO to put in an appearance.

We are currently in the middle of seeling our flat and moving back to the Midlands to be near family and friends. This had been discussed before we found out about the baby and was somehting both of us wanted. When we found out about the baby we made the move to start things sooner rather than later.

My problem is that I am getting increasingly worried/ tied in knots/ apprehensive about the way the PILs are (DP and I are not married but easier to use this shorthand). DP and I come from very different backgrounds and so our families are very different and have a very different approach to things. I have always got on with them for the most part - but am often left perplexed by attitudes/ events/ comments. As an example, some of the things that I feel uncomfortable about are:

1. A very homophobic, racist and sexist attitude. Particularly from FIL who when picked up on comments will argue that he is right. (i.e. "women shouldn't be allowed in the navy")
2. FIL manipulating the family so we do things his way. For example BIL and SIL, us and PIL are all round the PILs house - discuss what to do for tea and decide to go pub. You can tell FIL is not really into it but he says yes as everyone else is. Then he finds things to do - saying we will go after. But then stretches out a number of jobs until he says 'oh its too late to go out now - we'll do x instead'. Despite us having pestered him for hours.
3. MIL pushing DP to try and have relationship with his sister depsite a very bad history and her not being willing to apologise (a thread I have posted previously in AIBU refers)
4. MIL having very strong attitudes on child rearing - believing it fine to feed sweets to 18month old who won't eat her dinner, and giving her coke in a bottle.
5. Expecting us to visit them regularly and spending at least one of our nights when we visit for a weekend being spent watching TV with them - but never actually visiting us (3 times in 4 years)
6. MIL pushing formula onto SIL when she was having difficulty with BF at 5 weeks - wasn't overly understanding and just saying 'oh well giver her formula then'.

Now since they have found out about the baby they are being a lot more pushy about things - to the point where they keep calling at least 3 or 4 times a week to ask when they should arrange to come and stay - despite us saying we are not going to decide on visitors (particularly overnight) until baby is here - and the fact that we are planning to have at least a couple of days up in the MIdlands over Christmas.

I'm having very confusing feelings about them. Maybe I am being hormonal, and maybe becuase I am struggling with all the changes I am going through. I have always been VERY independent, and am having trouble coming to terms with relying on DP for things, not working, and generally adjusting. I just feel already like they are trying to encroach. I know they are excited about the new GC, but it feels like more than that. It feels like they are trying to set up certain expectations already - and exert some control and influence.

I can't really describe what I mean, but its some of the comments they make. Despite me earning twice what DP does (and they know this) they are making suggestions about me becoming a SAHM - something we could not afford. They keep 'telling' me how things will be - as if things will be exactly the same for me as they have for SIL. I mean I know they are trying to be helpful, but how do they know I will make the same decisions? They know we are moving and keep making suggestions about where we should live - right by them - despite us already telling them we need to be further out due to DPs job. I'm just left feeling like I want to tell them to back off - and that this is going to be an ongoing battle with them.

Sorry - this is really long, and has turned into a bit of a rant really.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I over-thinking all this in my hormonal state , or are there things here I should watch out for? Does anyone have any tips on how to politely ensure they understand they need to back off, without actually saying it?

Thanks

Congratulations to you both on your pregnancy.

What does your partner make of his parents behaviours?.

With regards to his toxic sounding parents, your partner needs to be firm with them; infact both of you need to put on a united front. This is just the start of it and you will need to be direct with them; they have previous form in this area and they will act just the same towards your family unit particularly once baby is here. Boundaries must be put in place by you both now and if they overstep these they need to be pulled up on it. Do not be afraid to cut contact either if they continue to undermine you either as a couple or your parenting. These people are not actually trying to be helpful at all; they both want to control and impose their will on others as they have done to date. They will not change their ways.

I would screen your calls if you do not already do so and install an answering machine.

You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as it may well help you further.

Trust in your own feelings and beliefs. There is nothing in excitement because of a new grandchild, there is something wrong in you feeling controlled. There is a wonderful book called toxic inlaws by Susan Forward, it might be worth a read. Congratulations btw! :-)

You are not over-thinking things you are just 'nesting'.

The world has to be put right for your baby to come into it! You could be a tad hormonal .

If they are starting to set up expectations then so must you! The first thing is to discuss with DP where you both stand on the issues that bother you. Is he a supportive partner? How is his relationship with them? This will be important in terms of how you proceed.

Once you have discussed this you can make your position more clear to the PILs. They cannot force anything in terms of where you live and whether they can come to stay once the baby arrives. Your role is simply to inform them of what is happening. You do not owe anyone explanations as to how you do things. If they are not happy and want to sulk then you simply detach. Do not get embroiled in drama or arguments just enjoy your baby and if they want a relationship with their GDC then they WILL behave and follow your instructions or they won't be seeing much of you.

Basically start as you mean to go on. Encourage family time together and enjoy it by all means but do not get coerced into anything you are not happy about and if something arises be clear (and polite!)about what you expect.

Be firm from the off. Do not budge in what you think is reasonable. Your in laws sound like they'll take a mile if they can.

If you want to breastfeed, don't take advice from your mil.

Don't hang around waiting for them to do something (using the example you gave of your fil delaying tasks until it was too late to go out) - just do it and ask them to join you.

To a certain extent, there's a lot you can do to make sure you and your OH are happy through polite firmness.

Thank you all.

And having just seen how ling my post turned out I should be really grateful you got to the end!

To answer your questions - DP is very supportive, not least because he is still smarting over their response to the situation with his sister (SIL from hell). He also recognises some of the behaviour - particularly of FIL - when I point it out to him, but isn't often in the space where he will raise it/ deal with it if I don't. I think he has spent many years ignoring for the quiet life.

Your right about boundaries. I guess it just feels so uncomfortable for me - I'm used to trying to please everyone and thinking of everyones feelinds. I guess to some extent I don't want to upset them - I know I'm going to have to get used to putting my new fmaily first now.

I will read the book you have suggested. I do see some of what theya re doing as a way to get us to do what they want - so I suppose I am going to have to be firm!

The good thing about hormones and babies is that your inner SHE-RA kicks in where the welfare of your DC is concerned so you will find the strength.

What everyone is saying is don't get into a bad habit of trying to compromise with them and then getting messed about. Decide those things which are important to you and then strategy for dealing with it and then stick to that.

They can only do as much as you allow.

And don't worry about upsetting them if you're being reasonable about stuff.

They sound like they have the potential to be upset if they don't get exactly what they want so you might as well just get what you want for you and your little family regardless! But politely of course.

Don't bend over backwards to accommodate them because you'll just regret it.

Useful phrases include:

"Thank you for that. We're trying it our way to see if works. Every child is different after all."

"I am breastfeeding, yes. I've read some amazing scientific studies on its benefits. Would you like to read some?"

"Oh. (faux face). That sounded rude. Did you mean it to sound rude?"

And always change the subject once you've made your point. You don't need to argue with anyone about your parental decisions for your daughter and the decisions you and your OH make about spending time with them, where, how often etc.

I have had difficulty with my in-laws in the past and the best thing to do when pregnant, I found anyway, is not to worry about something unless it happens. I tended to stress about all the "what ifs" when I was pregnant and almost none of them eventuated. Having my DD brought out the best in MIL and she is very conscious of trying to keep on side with me so that she has good access. Having a child brings with it a lot of power and I also find it very easy to say what I think and be strong now that I have DD. I used to find it so much harder to stick up for myself but since giving birth I have a whole lot of new assertiveness!

Your PIL's sound very like mine. I keep them very much at arms length. DH talks to them on the phone - I politely say hi and then pass the phone over. DH and I feel the same way about them, which really helps. And we never get into discussions or ask their advice about anything, especially about the DC's. We tell them decisions we've made but that is is. So "DS's name is x " rather than "We think we will call DS x". Don't invite discussion on things.

My PIL's aren't toxic, they just have very different views to me and DH and do things in very different ways. It means that staying there over Christmas is going to be very, very hard but I choose my battles (no DS doesn't want a 3rd ice cream for breakfast, please don't say the N-word in front of the children etc) and bite my tongue at other times. I do also try to see the positives in what they do. They do really love the DC's and are trying to help even if they do drive me insane. And when all else fails I just go into another room or go for a walk.

I do love Winky's "That sounded rude. Did you mean it to sound rude?" I might just have the balls to use it this Christmas.

Agree with above. The nack to dealing with people with strong views is to not be afraid to express your own views equally forcefully. They can be forceful about you visiting them but ultimately it's up to you and your partner when you visit them, same with the rearing of your children. All they can do is make noises from the sidelines. You hold all the cards here. Don't be afraid to play them

I agree with the poster who said that having different childrearing etc views to you doesn't automatically make them toxic. Most of their views will have been shaped by their own upbringing. They will express their views but you are free to ignore them.

It's up to your husband and his sibs to counter his father's passive aggressive stance re outings "do you mean you are coming dad or are you just going to faff around until closing time as usual?"