I need to speak to someone about this

[countdowntoxmas]

DH and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 dc. We have had what I consider to be a strong relationship but have spent the past few months arguing frequently.
We are both stressed at the moment for different reasons. We have had building work going on in the house for over a year now and I just want it to finish as I have to deal with the day-to-day aspect of it. When I mention this to DH he calls me ungrateful. DH is stressed by being in a job that he does not enjoy but is not in a position to move. And we have a 5 year old DS who has ASD.
I am aware that I have put on quite a bit of weight over the past few months and this is partly due to not feeling bothered any more about going to the gym. I have lost all enthusiasm as I do not feel great about myself at the moment. For the past few months DH has been sleeping in the guest room as he says that he can't sleep otherwise as I snore too loudly. I feel that the magic that we used to have between us has gone.

Yesterday, I was looking for a slipper beneath a cupboard and found a porn magazine called something like 'Girls go Crazy in the Jungle' with a big dildo. I questioned DH about this and he denied it at first but when I pointed out that we built the loft and no one else had slept there he admitted that it was him. I asked him why he bought a dildo when he could have got a whole range of things that satisfy men at Anne Summers and asked him whether he used it on anyone else which he denied. I do believe him on that one as I don't think he would have it in him to go with someone else plus he would not have the time as he works till 6.30 and then jumps straight on to the train.

I could have lived with finding something like Playboy. I would not have appreciated it but would be better than these jungle girls. But I am numbed by the fact that he got a vibrator which he claims he got for the vibration rather than the feeling of being with other men IFSWIM.He says that he only used it once but regardless of how many times he used it it disgusts me that he walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator for himself.

I had packed a bag to leave him last night but ended up staying as I don't really know where to go. It is not something that I want to talk to people about but I really don't know what to do. Plus our DC really need me. For months, DH has been telling me that I need to get to the gym and we had not slept with each other for months. It upsets me that he was losing interest in me whilst gaining interest in the girls in the magazine.

I am crying so much as I write this as I really am at a loss as to what I need to do

You really need to talk honestly with each other.he has done nothing wrong and your disgust is very obvious from the post.Lots of men like vibrators as do women.

You packed his bags over one porn magazine (that is not the specified, "allowed" playboy) and a dildo, when you are not having sex and the "magic" has gone? IMO either a major major overreaction on your part as really do you have the right to tell anyone what turns them on, or really that is not the point of this post really now is it? Perhaps you two need counselling or to talk about your relationship and the huge stresses you are both under? Sorry I am not being very sympathetic re the magazine. But if your husband is stressed at work is there really no way he can do something about it, and can't you organise to get more support with your son? From what I see this is where your problems lie.

Also you mention not feeling good at the moment and have zero enthusiasm, perhaps you should talk to someone in RL about it, a friend or GP? Stress, anxiety, depression could be perhaps playing a part in your reaction?

What a supportive bunch of people you are

I think the fact you're stressed about other things had made you overreact about this.

I've heard of men using vibrators before, have you told him how you feel about porn before? Does he know you're so against it?

countdown - which bit is it that upsets you the most?

Lots of men and women like sex toys - and if you are not having a sex life at the moment then maybe your DH needs the visual stimulus to masturbate?

Clearly your sexual boundaries are out of kilter with your DHs so maybe relationship counselling would help.

However, he also should not be telling you that you need to go to the gym. Although if you are unhappy with your weight and you are feeling stressed then regular excercise may help address both of those issues.

You have clearly had a lot going on and you've drifted apart a bit. You've noticed it in yourself (not going to the gym etc..) and now you have found the evidence of it in him.

Surely it a sign that you both need to make some investment in your own relationship? You need to talk to him about everything that is stressing you both out and work out a way for you to reconnect again.

Not every relationship is open about porn. People assume roles. Especially the men. They may prefer to portray one thing and then sneak off and get gratification on the side.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's the woman's hangup. Some men grow up with their own hangups before they get into a relationship! Perhaps they've been taught it's not gentlemanly and so they are secretive about it?

I understand why OP is upset. Instead of deriding her weight he should have put some effort into the relationship. What a nasty way to find out he has other desires and possibly some indication/threat that he is interested in men (from OP's sentence).