18 years of wonderful amazing times down toilet

[Itsallfucked]

I've changed names - but I am a regular. Been on and off contributor for 8 years.

Moldiegate. She who shall not be named. OJ. Peter & Misdee.

DH and I have been together for 18 years. He is a wonderful, stupid, misguided cock.

In 2002 we had a terrible year. Bereavement. Affairs (both of us). Family fall out. Just horrendous.

Anyway we decided that we had both made hideous mistakes but that ultimately we loved each other an wanted to make a go of things. A trillion tears, a lot of hard work, blood, sweat and pain, we seemed to have gotten there.

FF to 2008. We moved towns. We knew nobody in the new town. I was soon befriended by a mum at the school. We became quite close and she became Godmother to my DS2.

In March this year I found out (through the village gossip) that my DH and this woman had a drunken grope (apparently this stupid woman told somebody about it). I confronted DH and he immediately admitted it. He was horrified and sad and put it down to the drink - I remember the night in question, we were all absolutely hammered.

I just can't get over this indiscretion. I love my DH. We have three wonderful kids and he is a perfect husband in every respect (except for the fact that he snogged my best friend). I just can't see my way clear to forgive him. We had a hideous row last night, I started packing my bags but he beat me to the car and buggered off and hasn't been back since. He says it's what I want and it's over.

I love my husband and am devastated about this but perhaps it's for the best. Thoughts?

OP I really cannot see why you are so up in arms over such a mild indiscetion! In your own words, it was a drunken grope- not an affair. it is hardly an episode that should cause you to throw away 18 years of marriage.

Why do you feel so humilated? Surely your DH and this woman ahould be the ones to feel humilaited? You have done nothing wrong. Anyone who knows will be sympathising with you, not laughing behind your back.

But your reaction to it makes me think that you have a bit of an ego issue- it's really not going to
cause anyone in your village to lose sleep- your life is just not that important to anyone else, really. You need to take the " humiliation" out of the equation.

As others have said, it makes me wonder if the trust issue is bigger than you are admitting. ( and you cannot take the high moral ground there as you admit you had an affair too.)

Could it be that you are so upset at your DH because YOU have kept your nose clean ( maybe in the light of temptation?) since your affairs, and you feel he has now blotted his copy book?

I live in a small village where affairs and bed hopping are rife! Happens all the time. A drunken grope at a party would not even register in most people's minds a day after the event!

I really think you have to be honest with yourself over this. Your pride is hurt nad you feel upset that your DH has so much as looked at someone else. If neither of you had been unfaithful before, and this was a one-off, then I don't think you be reacting as you are. It might be helpful for you to look hard at the trust issue and decide if it is not as strong as you thought.

But honestly, looking at this as a complete outsider, it doesn't look like a marriage breaker to me- and if it is, then it shows there are more underlying issues that neither of you is facing up to.

P.s.- you found out about this in March? That is 8 months back- why has this reared its head again now? Something else is going on, which you need to talk about. Are you both looking for a way out- and are you or him not being honest about the state of your marriage? If the last 8 years since 2002 have been great, then this seems an odd way to end it.

Ffs this isn't about him looking at another woman, this is about sexual contact with the op's friend.

I don't know what kind of world you live in if getting drunk and feeling people up is normal adult behaviour.

OP you both had affairs years ago. Was either retaliatory?

Someone above makes a good point that you only know about this because of gossip. Do you doubt it was a one off? IME drunken groping is a hobby, not a mistake.

IME drunken groping is a hobby, not a mistake

You must have had some very odd experiences then! Why do people always try to fan the flames and make the OPs problem even bigger than it is?

FWIW I did not say the things you thought I was s aying; I said that where I live, affairs etc are common place ( as they are everywhere but in a small village gosspip travels fast) and i was trying to make the point that no, I don't condone this behaviour, but a kiss is not exactly the end of the world - or a marriage, unless there are already issues there.

PP it wouldn't be the OP throwing away 18 years of marriage, but the H. After 18 years he should have developed some feelings of loyalty to her surely. If anything the OP has done very well to try and work on it

. Drink makes people do things that with hindsight they realise were a mistake. Kissing another woman when you are both drunk is not a hanging offence, or a deal breaker to my mind.
If you think it is, then we shall have to agree to disagree.
The Ops's DH was not throwing away 18 years of marriage- he made a silly mistake and the OP is onsidering throwing away her marriage as a reaction to that.

Drink doesn't "make" anyone do anything.

Frequently nursing regrets about what you've done when drunk is a sign of a drink problem.

I'm very happily married, but I would not consider my husband groping and snogging my friend to be a little mistake we would just pretend never happened. It might well be the end of us. Gropey drunks are vile. I wouldn't want to spend my life with a man who used drink as an excuse to touch up my friends, who I had to hear the ugly truth about on the grapevine and who was sexually incontinent like a 13 year old.

But in this situation there are other problems. This is a marriage that nearly didn't make it due to infidelity. Different rules apply.

I don't really get why you are trying to convince the op to ignore something that is making her unhappy just because you think it shouldn't be a dealbreaker. My concern is for the op, not her marriage.

spipookly You don't seem to inhabit the real world where people make mistakes - and yes, drink does make people do things, like causing car accidents as one example. If you can't understand that, there is no hope. Your personal tolerance level of behaviour is extremely low - that might be how you live your life, but it's no comfort to the OP to suggest she does the same.

Itsallfucked, I think this drunken kissing is the straw that broke the camel's back.

This is the last thing that you (and your marriage) needed after everything that has happened.

Don't attempt to push down or ignore how you feel down. You feeling are there for a reason.

Counselling can be useful, but I have found that sometimes just taking the time to really think about a situation from every angle can be just useful (and cheaper).

Take your time to work out how you are feeling means to you and what you want/need to do about it.

Best wishes,

BBAB x

Should read "Your feelings are there for a reason"

can't add much to what Purplepeony said.
OP I know you feel humiliated and that your clean slate has been sullied, but really, people are not that interested in others' lives. If anything, people will think your dh and your friend have been a bit of an arse, not how humiliated YOU are.

I am astonished that people are actively advising the OP to end her marriage over his.

Oh thank God Estuardo- I was beginning to think that I was the only one who had a rather liberal view of a man (and a woman) who acted like a bit of a tit one night after one too many.
God, if everyone divorced after one inappropriate kiss at a drunken party, no one would be left married!

I don't think it's good behaviour, but it's only a marriage breaker if the marriage was rocky to begin with, and this was yet another episode of a man who cannot keep his hands off other women, and shags any woman with a pulse, which I don't think he is from what the OP said.

FWIW I fully agree with spidookly. Being drunk is no excuse whatsoever. Acting as he has done has shown that he has less respect for his wife than she expected and cared less about her feelings than she expected. Everyone's boundaries over this sort of thing are different. The fact is that IAF doesn't/can't accept this behaviour, it has crossed her particular boundary. So other people's opinions that it doesn't matter are largely irrelevant to her.

The question is, how can IAF move on from this with her husband, and does she actually want to?

"yes, drink does make people do things, like causing car accidents as one example"

Drink doesn't make people cause accidents, being a murderously selfish dickhead who drives when drunk makes people have car accidents.

People who drive when drunk are utter fucking scum and don't deserve even a second of understanding for their so-called "mistake"

I, for one, am rather glad I do not live in your world PP.

Liberal? PHAH!

FFS, it's common decency for a married man NOT to snog his wifes Best Mate! For the second time!! The OP is right to be so angry following the upheaval that followed 2002 and the new start!!!

spidookly _ think you are splitting hairs. Drink is a depressant- it takes away inhibitions and impairs judgement. Your post is utterly illogical though, as drink does make people behave differently. It has a physical effect on our ability to perform and make judgements. How can you think otherwise?
I think you are muddling up two things; the premeditated decision to drink and drive, and the actual effects of alcohol on the body.

floozie- I inhabit the same world as you, except I have my eyes open. I think some of you really need to get out a bit more.

I really don't get these Daily Mail reactions/outbursts to this post.

The OP said this of her DH
He is a wonderful, stupid, misguided cock.

That says it all- her only problem is how to cope with his stupidity and I suspect that she feels she has lost face in the eyes of her neighbours.

Be good if she came back adn said how she felt now.......

PP your opinion actually really depresses me. I wonder if you are married, or in a long term relationship? If you are, does that mean that this sort of behaviour is what defines your relationship? If so, are you and your partner both so blasé about your mutual indescretions, and are you really, honestly, not bothered about them? Not relevant anyway to this post, since your opinion doesn't appear to be shared by the OP.

for what it is worth I have been married 26 years and there have een no indiscretions either side. I just am a bit older I suspect than most people here and can see it from a different persepctive.

Who are you anyway to say what I can and can't post and what is relevant to the OP? Cheeky so and so! I'll post what i want and the OP cna decide if it's relevant. That is up to her. She asked for opinions and that does not mean she will get every post patting her on the head saying "it's okay dear, you are right."

Who are you anyway to say what I can and can't post and what is relevant to the OP? Cheeky so and so! I'll post what i want and the OP cna decide if it's relevant.

PP, I totally agree with you.

And I shall remind you of that sentiment next time you pick up on something that I say on a thread

I'm not trying to tell you what you can or can't post. The not relevant comment was aimed my question about your relationship status, although reading my post back, I can see that it could be, and was, misinterpreted.

Doesn't change that fact though, that I think your opinion on indiscretions being unimportant is a strange one. But whatever floats your boat.

I tend to agree with PurplePeony - a snog shouldn't cause this sort of fallout in a strong relationship. I really can't imagine ending an 18-year marriage with a "perfect" man who has been extremely apologetic and contrite over it so there must be lots of unresolved feelings about the durability of the marriage generally.

Counselling? Move to another village?

purple

drink doesn't make people do anything.

Taken to excess it affects judgement, behaviour and motor skills but it does not remove free will.

This man could have chosen not to have sexual contact with his wife's friend. He didn't.

He could have given his wife a heads up about his indicretion so she wouldn't hear about it through gossip. He didn't.

Nobody, and nothing, made him do those things. They are things he chose, all by himself, to do.

If his wife looks at those choices and is disappointed, I don't blame her. If her disappointment at his poor judgement disloyalty makes her wonder whether she was right to work so hard on the marriage when it nearly fell asunder, that is a matter entirely for her.

Your determination that she should overlook her own unhappiness to preserve her marriage is not very liberal really. If I were lazy enough to think that naming newspapers was a good way of discrediting arguments I might think you read a certain daily newspaper yourself.

spidookly- I think you need to re-assess your understanding of alcohol.
Talking about free will is another issue- start a thread on metaphysics and philosophy for that!

People do all kinds of things when they are drunk that they would cringe at if they were sober. (and BTW I can't drink for medical reasons and have been teetotal for 15 years, so I am not including myself here before you make assumptions.)

IMO, the OP's DH was upfront when he was "caught", he admitted it, the OW was drunk, ...

I reckon on this basis there will be zillions of these posts after the office Xmas parties!

The OP cannot take the moral high ground as she had an affair ( which all of you seem to have conveniently forgotten) .

I do symptathise with her, but I think she is upset more about loss of face and it's an ego/pride issue, rather than the extent of the "crime".