How do you get any respect?

[whattodonow1]

My husband really pisses me off. I'm not one of these women that don't let her husband out but with mine it seems if I give him an inch he takes a mile. We are on a really tight budget at the moment and have to account for every penny. We both had a £50 budget and even though my husband last night only had about £4 of his budget left he hinted he wanted to go out, I agreed thats fine, said he would only be going for a few and get the last bus home then comes back at 1.15am in the morning and got a taxi. This isn't a one off hes always doing it and I'm at the point where I can't see the point accepting his apology as I feel it means nothing cos he'll just do it again. So what do I do? Where do I go from here?.
I just think why do I be nice and say yes go out even though you have spent your social budget and we can't afford it when he basically pushes it back it my face by taking the piss. Of course if I did say no don't go out he would then act like I was the most controlling wife on earth and he didn't ever get to do anything. I've not spoke to him pretty much all day but honestly don't think it will make a difference as when I do he'll forget about previous times he's done this and do it again.

i think the clue is in the tone of your post

let my husband go out

if i did say he couldn't go out...

its like your his mother, he asks your permission.

you are controlling the money becuase he is shit at it.

when what you have to do is sit down and tell him your not his fucking mother, there is something called responsability for onesself and ones family.

then you need to talk through the money and how best to manage it

i would suggest drawing the money out - when its gone - its gone

Yes we've done the drawing out money thing. Since I've only spent about £15 of my social budget though his over spend will just come out of that. We're also on a tight budget but have plenty of overdraft left, but really don't want to get in to debt as I'm on maternity leave. Tried sitting down talking to him, hes said sorry but within the month he will do it again. Just think whats the point in accepting his apology as it means nothing, cos he keeps doing it.

no, his 'overspend' needs to come out of somewhere where he will feel it!! the food budget?? beans on toast one night next week because of his overspend,and again for a meal at the weekend,might just make him realise actions have consequences!!!

I couldn't live with a man like this.
Does he have an alcohol problem? I don't get why any bloke on a tight budget with a family would go out drinking and get a taxi. I hate nagging and wouldn't want to mother a bloke so choose not to live with blokes who are selfish, rubbish with money and who I'd therefore end up nagging.
You need to talk about your relationship. He either agrees to the budgeting thing , in which case he doesn't plead like a toddler for more money, or you change the way you handle money or look at the relationship.
If you're on an overdraft before you have the baby things aren't looking good. He needs to learn to live within his means.

"If I give him an inch he takes a mile"

That's not an equal relationship.

You sound like his Mother.

Fair enough if you both like that dynamic; but he clearly doesn't.

Well hubbie basically says he doesn't know how it happens either. I don't think he has a drink problem but just enjoys the company of his friends even if it is to do detriment of our relationship. I don't like nagging telling him what to do and thats basically why generally if he wants to go out, I am fine with it. I do think he is taking the piss though. He claims to think oh I'll just have one more and then head and before he knows it he has missed the last bus, then thinks I'll be in trouble anyway so sod it I might as well just stay to last orders.
We're in a financial situation were by we have very little debts but I feel we need to keep an I on the budget other wise we could quite easily slide into debt. So going £20, £30 into the red at the end of the month he doesn't see as a big deal,, which I guess it isn't but part of me is getting pissed off with the prinicpal of it all and why he can't just stick to budget when I do.
Hes now saying that the only answer is him not going out at all cos he'll probably do the same thing again as he "can't help it".
I don't want to have to lock my husband up just cos he can't go for a few pints and then come home when he says he will. I know its not that big a deal him coming back an hour or so later than he says he will but this is turning into a huge arguement cos he keeps doing it. I feel him saying sorry is a waste of time as he was sorry last time about 6 weeks ago. His pal he goes out with has no kids and lots of disposable income and doesn't seem to get why my husband can't go out all the time. I think he thinks I'm just a nagging cow.
There are lots of other issues I'm not happy with in our relationship and one day I think I'm going to leave him but to be honest at the moment I really don't think I can afford it and have the kids living in a nice area in a nice house. Its quie easy saying you choose not to live with men like this, for the sakes of my kids I feel I have no choice.

Oh dear, it doesn't sound like there's a lot of affection on either side.

'for the sake of the kids'!!!!!!

They will be picking up on it anyway!! You are in no way protecting them from it all.

IMO it's bad parenting staying in a situation which is bad , just for the kids!! Kids are not stupid!!! And they won't thank you for this in years to come either

Its hard to be affectionate with someone who doesn't give you the respect you give them!. Really do wonder sometimes how I ended up in this situation when pretty much most people I know have happy loving relationships. Without meaning to blow my own trumpet, I'm an intellignet, kind, caring, loving, pretty good looking for my age (hee hee) where did I go wrong and end up with a right selfish twat? I've got 3 gorgeous kids,, these should be the happiest times of my life but instead half the time I feel miserable because of my crap hubbie.

He sounds quite selfish. It's not nice being put in the position of having to try and control his behaviour because he won't take responsibility for his own.

To those who say that you are acting like his mother, I'd suggest that he's putting you in that position. You don't want to be nagging or to have that dynamic (who does?) but his unwillingness to take responsibility for himself means that one of you has to be responsible otherwise his actions impact on the whole family.

Tbh, I'm not sure what to suggest. If you try to control his behaviour, eg by taking overworked out of a food budget, he'll tell you you're controlling.

If you do nothing, your family will end up in debt.

You are in a very difficult situation. I have been in a relationship with a similar dynamic. I'd suggest couples counselling perhaps. Other than that he sounds a bit of a lost cause if you have tried your hardest to co
communicate with him. Good luck.

By overworked, I meant 'overspend'!

What you waiting for then?!??

I basically can't afford to leave him. End of!. On paper I probably seem loaded and for such reasons the government wouldn't give me anything towards housing. Basically we've got property we rent out, Rent only just covers interest only mortgage, not much equity in properties and can't sell them either as we'd have big redemption penalties and are also tied into a rental lease for about 10 more years. Because of this I won't be entitled to housing benefit and theres no way I can afford to live to tax credits and my salary even if hubbie gave me some money towards kids. I have to just grin and bare it!.

Hubby won't do counselling!

Oh, and it sounds as if you are taking care of 4 children here, not 3!

I sympathise, I really do. That sense of entitlement that my ex felt to do what he liked made me realise how many men are like this and it turned me into the good feminist that I am today.

Of course you don't want to be seen as his mother. Not a very attractive role for any woman to find herself in but until he starts taking responsibility, that's the role you'll find yourself in sadly. My ex already had a doting mother who pandered to his every whim and he loved the attention from 2 women even if it wasn't always good attention. Attention is attention to someone who is behaving like a child. Mine would apologise and then would go and do the same things all over again. I got to the point once where I had 4 bunches of flowers in my house from him as apologies. I told him I'd rather he didn't screw up in the first place than keep doing it and then thinking that everything was ok because he'd bought me some flowers.

Could you ask for a trial separation so that he can finally see that it's not funny anymore?

£100 quid social budget a week? Wow, if ur skint that needs seriously cut back. Wouldn't spend that in a month.

I think that's a monthly budget not a weekly budget from what the OP says.

I like the give him beans on toast to recoup his overspend in a way that hits him to show his actions have consequences idea. It's a healthy meal. Smart price/value ones, not heinz or anything.

Take his overspend out of his half of next months budget. Having less to spend next month may just make him think.

I can see there are plenty of underlying issues in this relationship. You only posted the one, though, so here goes:

"Respect" isn't the problem here, you're talking about obedience which means you've got yourselves into a parent-child or boss-minion dynamic. To stop that on this question alone, have the talk again. This time, say you get that he needs to see his friends so now you'll be having them round your house instead. Start a regular & frequent dinner night, pizza & footy night, whatever works for the people you know and your budget. Make the friends bring the booze. They'll start preferring it to the pub, I promise.