Husbands/partners who just don't get it...

[minko]

My Dh has just come back from a weeks business trip. In the meantime I have done all the usual stuff, looking after the kids, taxiing them round after school clubs etc, washing, cooking and have also worked three days. So he gets back and rather than asking how I coped with it all he just starts moaning that the house looks like a s**thole. I am so fed up. It's a big house and he knows I hate cleaning but I do my best - with 2 kids in the house - to keep it tidy.

I also am great at DIY, decorating, sewing and all kinds of other stuff he just doesn't appreciate and it's getting annoying. All he ever focuses on is the blardy cleaning... It's not like he's that tidy either.

I am just so fed up with being unappreciated. He has a very stressful job and a long commute, so I take it all into account and have become pretty self-reliant. I feel like I am raising the kids by myself. This is not a partnership. He just earns all the money and then feels justified in sitting on his backside watching tv all weekend. There is no romance, no thoughtful gifts, no affection... it's shit.

And I don't know how to change things. I don't want to divorce him, but he needs to learn that being a housewife/part time working mum is bloody hard work!

He's a wanker

Sorry to be blunt, but he is

Am truly astounded by the number of MNers who have a DP/DH like you describe

There are endless threads on it

I'll tell you how to change things - go away for a weekend or a week and leave him to it! It works wonders! I go away once or twice a year and by God, is my DH appreciative when I get back!

I am actually away next weekend for 2 nights. I plan to make it as difficult as possible - ie no food in the fridge, no clean clothes...

Good - that'll learn 'im!

Fab idea! Don't make it all spick and span before you go leave him in constant catch up mode (like the rest of us) and see how he deals with it.

Half a pint of milk in the fridge, massive washing pile etc. And schedule in a weekend activity for the dc's just to give him an extra challenge.

I think this happens when one person leaves a job to look after the children.

I think when people pick a partner they should pick someone on an equal salary then both can cut their hours to have equal child and house responsibilities.

Another vote for leaving him to it for a few days.

Though I think a few days isn't enough, you need a week.

And tell him if he can't do his share of the household crap he can use some of 'his' money to get a cleaner.

watching with interest as I'm sort of in the same boat. I would kill for a child (and DH) free weekend away. Quite a few of my friends do it every 6 months or so but I've not been able to do it yet. I've not had more than 6 hours without DC in the last 4 years. I just long for some 'me' time and to be able to read a book again.

OP, hope your DH suffers/copes when you go away

"I think this happens when one person leaves a job to look after children".
WTF? You're kidding right?

The only reason this happens is that one partner is a selfish tosser who only views paid employment as being of value.

I work 16 hours a week, my DH is out of the house for 10 hours a day, he will still stick the hoover on / cook a meal / clean the toilet.

Where in the real world of work would people actually be able to do as you describe and cut your hours etc?

minko, get a cleaner and make him pay.

Malificence I think that is the way to equality.
I think people leave themselves financially vulnerable, but that is off topic. I must admit I'm a bit of a Xenia fan.
Don't marry a tosser is also quite important

"Don't marry a tosser is also quite important"

lol but very true

How did he cope when he was single and working full time? Who did the housework then?

It doesn't matter who earns more or who spends more time in and out of the house. By default, if you're home 2 days a week, you'll spend those 2 days clearing up after yourself (eg makeing and washing up meals, bunging a bit of laundry on, tidying up as you go), but if you are out of the house 50 hours a week, you'll still have the same amount of washing as the partner home 2 days, you'll still use the bath/shower as much, you'll still be eating an evening meal and breakfast at home. Being out of the house more doesn't necessarily mean you make a proportionally smaller amount of housework.

And it's worth considering that you are effectively providing him with free childcare - I mean, looking after a home and children full time is a full time job, it's called nanny/housekeeper and it pays pretty well. He thinks you're sitting on your arse all day, does he? Twat.

I feel your pain. My exP used to always spend the weekends and evenings having a rest and needing a relax. This left me constantly doing the housework and looking after the kids single handedly.

I used to get so wound up over this and I think this was one of the main things that led to our break-up so I would definitely advise you confront it now rather than let it boil over.

And agree with the other advice, go away and leave him in a household of mess - see how he likes it!

What did you say when he said that the house looked like a shithole?

Did you say "not surprising really, that's what happens when one of the adults is away. Now that you're back to pitch in it will look better in a few days"?

Or "STFU moaning, here's a mop"

Does he expect you to keep the house clean?

If so, why haven't you told him to shove his expectations up his arse?

If I say my house looks like a shithole (and it often does) I don't mean it as a criticism of DH, I mean it as a statement of intention to clean it up when there is time.

I remember going away for a weekend and had to rush and left some of the kids clothes at the bottom of the stairs. Came back and they were still there.

ExH had had friends round whilst I was away and I asked him why he hadn't cleared them away, for his friends sake if not for mine. He told me not to worry, he'd told them I was away and that's why it was messy.

Bizarre! He used to go on and on about he wanted the house tidy, now he's gone and the house is spotless, coz he's not there to make a mess anymore.

He used to clean the kitchen a few times a week when I was at work and go on and on about how long it had taken, like he wanted a medal or something. But it used to be the mess he'd made after cooking himself something.

I think the moral of the story is, men are useless.

No.

The moral of the story is that we live in a culture that expects women to skivvy after men.

There are plenty of men who would be ashamed to treat their wife as a servant, and who think it is a perfectly normal part of being an adult to be able to look after yourself and your children.

Just as there are plenty of women who wouldn't dream of letting their equal partner talk to them as though they were staff. Badly treated staff at that.

i too am astounded at how many MNers put up with this kind of behaviour!!

many,many threads all in a similiar vein.....

i find being a lone parent far,far easier than this kind of thing...the worst thing though,is how many post the same stuff year in year out!!

why do you all stay???

There are some men who have rigid ideas about how the roles are, and, they will never change the way they think.

no,they may never change how they think! but women can certainly make them think more!!

How?

by walking!!!