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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secretive behaviour

16 replies

ParaAndra · 20/11/2010 10:44

Ok I'll start by saying my partner has lied to me before, on many more than one occasion. Mostly to do with financial stuff but there have been other things too. Anyway I KNOW he is more than capable of lying to me. Hence why I check up on him every now and again.

So lately he has become more secretive with his phone. Doesn't leave it lying around and deletes texts. When he gets a text message, he tries to ignore it whilst I'm around and then makes up some excuse to leave the room so he can look at it (toilet, making a drink etc). If he can't do that, he'll look at it but he'll tilt the phone away from me so I can't see who its from. If its a "safe" text he'll relax and show me it in a way that tells me "phew, you can look at this one ... " iyswim? Other times I see him stuttering, deleting and then saying it was from the bank or whatever.

I have access to his online account (he doesn't know this) and yesterday he text his ex wife seven times whilst he was at work (amazing really considering he tells me he can only text me in an emergency). and then a few more times whilst he was at home yesterday evening. This never happened in front of me so I can only assume it was "toilet texting". Why?

I know they were organising the ex wife taking their DD to the cinema for last night but does that really take 3 days of constant text messaging? all of which have now been deleted off his phone? (but other texts remail so its not as if he's just cleared the inbox, he's specifically deleted just her texts. Why?

He's also recently spent £50 on a credit card. Won't tell me what it was for, pretended it was my christmas present and thats why he couldn't tell me then dropped himself in it asking me what I wanted him to get me for christmas. If I mention this £50 he says "oh no, secret, can't tell you that" then when I remind him that I KNOW it isn't anything bought for me, he clams up, pretends he hasn't heard me or simply changes the subject.

So am I being paranoid here or what? I'm getting really sick of this.

OP posts:
blinks · 20/11/2010 10:49

at best a 60 minute makeover at worst he's shagging his ex.

Doigthebountyeater · 20/11/2010 11:23

Sorry but it definitely sounds suspicious to me. You need to do some investigating. Do you think there could be something going on with his ex?

ParaAndra · 20/11/2010 13:12

The thing is, I don't think they would get back together even if I wasn't in the equation. They make out as if they can't stand each other and she said she only got with him in the first place because she was a single parent and wanted someone to support them. She's with someone else now (although I know she apparantly hates him too Hmm )

I don't know what's going on, there is so much secerecy with him. The credit card, the deleting text messages, texting in the bathroom, turning the phone away from me so I can't see who's text. It just screams out "HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR" but deep down, I really don't think he is.

He's obviously doing something dodgy but I don't think it's that. Its probably to do with money again.

OP posts:
Doigthebountyeater · 20/11/2010 13:23

Either way he is being an arse. Keep an eye on his online bank account to see if it's money related. Also try to get hold of his phone before he gets to it and read his messages.

ParaAndra · 20/11/2010 13:25

Thats another thing, he changed the password and log in details to his online bank account.

I do get hold of his phone every now and again but the texts from his ex he deletes as he gets them.

OP posts:
Doigthebountyeater · 20/11/2010 13:34

Not good. You need to get someone on here who is good at detective work. Tell him you are suspicious and upset. Ask him not to delete her messages and to allow you access to his online banking. See how that goes down with him. If it were me and I had the money, I'd hire a private detective but then, I am mental and paranoid!

Doigthebountyeater · 20/11/2010 13:36

Btw, sounds to me that there is a link between the ex and money so may not be an affair but that he is lending her money he doesn't want you to know about. How likely is that and is it a deal breaker for you?

thenightsky · 20/11/2010 13:39

Its not on-line gambling do you think?

ParaAndra · 20/11/2010 13:39

well that is exactly my suspicion! I'm glad you said that because it proves I'm not just imagining things.
That could be where the £50 went. But - when we first got together he owed HER money and he lied and lied about it to me. I know she's just got a student loan and all of a sudden he seems to have quite a bit more money than he usually has - maybe he has borrowed money off her again?

I don't know. The deal breaker is not the money lending/borrowing - its the lying, deceit and secrecy.

I just don't know if I can be bothered with this anymore Sad I'm too old to be playing games. I don't want to live like this for the next 30+ years and with him, I will do.

OP posts:
ParaAndra · 20/11/2010 13:41

nightsky, it could be - I saw in the history he signed up to snakes and ladders instant win so there could be more.

He's also got a history of uncontrolled gambling and bankrupcy (although before we were together).

OP posts:
spidookly · 20/11/2010 13:49

You are with a proven liar.

What do you need proof for?

He's clearly telling more lies and barely even bothering to hide it.

Who cares what his latest reason for lying is?

Either you're OK with spending your life with an untrustworthy man who treats you like a fool, or you're not.

If it's the former, stop spying on him. If it's the latter, dump him.

overmydeadbody · 20/11/2010 14:49

I agree with spidookaly.

However, perhaps it isn't anything terrible he's hiding, maybe you are just a bit too nosy for his liking and he doesn't want to have to explain every text message to you. Perhaps that's why he is secretive?

How long have you been together? I wouldn't stay with someone who lied to me.

rednose · 20/11/2010 15:00

OP this sounds like neither of you trust each other-you are accessing his account without him being aware which is wrong too IMO.
Confront him or else get rid of hime. From personal experience once the trust is gone its over...

GypsyMoth · 20/11/2010 15:07

from personal experience also.....he's lying,trust is gone.....why are you still with him?

Eurostar · 20/11/2010 15:09

Do you have DC together? If not, I'd be out of there. Relationships are meant to enhance your life, not make you live with suspicion, anger and frustration.

perfumedlife · 20/11/2010 15:40

Why are you still living with a liar?

A relationship with no trust is not one worth having.

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