ex inlaw and contact with dd's

[Mummiehunnie]

I have been pondering this one for quite some time now and I was wondering if any of you have any different takes on it and idea's...

exh left for ow, he and she denied it to his family who on the surface believe them for the sake of peace as they are the sort of family that live in denial... they or their children are never to blame for anything and they warp reality to make themselves the best and always come out as the winners, which I really should have dealt with before having children yes I know... was very young and did not plan the first pregnancy...

The exil's are very controlling, emotionally cold/dead people. There are three sisters who have never in all the years since ex left once come to see the children, or invited them to come and stay with them. Exh has no contact for almost two years now!

He has remarried ow who did not treat lo's well, long story, and has brought a shead load of her own family of origin issues into oour lives under the guise as wanting to help ex, but in reality in order to work through her family of origin issues through my children.... esh did not tell or invite the children, his wife made sure I found out that they had married though!

Exinlaws managed to travel to the wedding which was in miles not to much a distance to the distance to where we live as that was obviously something worth travelling to. They claim that they are unable to travel to see the children, as they can't drive that far, i suggest them staying half way with exh overnight silence, I suggest their three daughters come and see the children and drive them silence... exmil insists that I bring the children to them or to a certain place, time and date she dictates (with two days notice) or nothing, she does not care that I have the children 100% of the time, or my consultants/physio/dr's comments regarding my health, that I should not have to travel for them to have contact for two hours... it is as if she sets me up to make me look like I am stopping her seeing the children, she has not seen them in a year and a half, at first after ex left they used to come and see the children when I invited them for meals out to celebrate birthdays, I would always pay as i knew they had the expense of travel. I even when I last spoke to her reminded her she could ring children when ever she wanted she claimed she had not go the number, she had, so I gave her dd's mobile number again, reminding her I understood it was expensive to ring a mobile and if she rang dd would ring her back on the landline. No phone call has happened in the months since we spoke. Christmas is coming up, there will no doubt be some kind of weirdo card sent with sarcastic comments and statements and demands or something to make her feel victimised or to help her warp reality that she is being stopped from seeing her children, she is a less warped, less controlling version of her son....

I want my children to have some contact, it suits me that it is limited and always has been, they only came to see us once a year, we went to see them twice a year when exh lived here, and that is fine to continue, it is this continual annoyance that I know is up coming again, this game they play, I wish they would just come and see the children for a few hours and play happy families instead of this nonsense really!

Perhaps she feels that by seeing the children through you she is betraying her son in some way, or perhaps he has asked that they dont and she feels uncomfortable telling you or perhaps he has lied to them and they are angry with you over something.

I have to be honest, I have total sympathy for your kids, however I am not sure why you are so bothered about exposing your kids to "emotionally dead/cold" people. They arent your family and if they cannot be bothered with your children, they are the ones who are missing out so leave them to it. It is sad for your children but you may as well just shield them from the rejection and not continue to pursue a relationship with them.

Throw the cards in the bin and leave it there.

Also, I do get why you are hurt, if your ex cheated but I think talking about ow is a bit of a red herring in this instance. Their son got married - of course they made it down to see it. How old are they? Is it possible that they just dont like driving much?

It is very relevant regarding history and exh wife, so if the marriage of their son to the women who caused the rift and damage to her grandchildren is ok and doable, why reject the grandchildren and not make a journey once or twice a year to see them???

They used to come and see the children before the second wife under the guise of helping exh escallated issues and caused more problems, when it all came out in court was really about her exploring her own family of origin issues through my children... the more second wife got involved carring stories, exh says nothing to anyone never has he is so deep, he keeps a lot quiet, and exsil got very friendly with second wife as she did with me, which I realised into the marriage was for info, so I drewback from her as I realised she was using me as she is second wife, as that exsil is the family scapegoat and I understand why she does it...

I understand she may feel she is betraying her son, so why the sarcastic letters/cards etc, on my birthday I get a card, nothing on the top where normal people would write a salutation, the bottom has her and exfil names, and the side most people don't write on has the long sarcastic nasty message about the children, this has gone on for over a year now, every event she can think of to send nastyness to us... exh is the same to the children, significant events he sends nasty things, once he sent dd a picture of her in a dustbin he had it adjusted on a wellknown card website, so every time I see that advert I am reminded of that card, that I luckily intercepted, it is the only thing I have not passed on to the children, they know a card came that was inappropriate... he was so off his skull I was advised to intercept things, incase he did something as he did do!

There are a few reasons why I think it would be good for the children to see them a few hours a few times a year, that is historically how often they saw them, they are their family, they will feel less rejected, they will understand and know what half their family is like themselves, they are forgetting what their father and his family are like and are relying on me to tell them things, ie great grandfather and ww2, it is my exfil's dad and I know very little and they rely on me for that sort of info, and i would like them to know more especially as it is something postiive they can feel good about that side of the family! Also most importantly as I know exh so well I don't want him to confuse them in later life, if maybe I am not around and tell them lies and hurt them with lies, if they know his family they will know what they are like!

His parents - his responsibility. He should arrange contact with them, not you.

You need to take a step back here. Stop making excuses for your exh and ex pils by shifting part of the responsibility for their appalling behaviour on the OW.

To be perfectly honest, I think all this energy you are expending trying to maintain a relationship with theses people should be spent protecting your children from them. You do not say how old your children are but they will find out the truth about the these people soon enough. Your job is to make sure they know how much they are loved and if they ask you to explain the behaviour of these adults then do so in a way that they don't feel responsible.

Don't get sucked into trying to understand your ex's behaviour because whatever the reasons/excuses they are not your responsibility and you do not have the ability to change them.

Focus on the children in this situation not the feckless adults.

Very often the first casualty of a breakup is the GP. Contact arragemenets are put into place for the NRP, but never the GP.

From what you are describing, there seems to be absolutely no reason on gods earth why these clearly bitter and toxic people need to be in your DC lives. It's not like they are contribuiting anything to it.

Sounds like you have gone above and beyond the call of duty to try to be fair, but with the snippy cards they are chucking it all back in your face.

If he has contact with the DC, then his P can see the DC on that time.

If he doesn't, then that it tough on them. If they want to be a positive influence in their DS DC lives, then it's down to them. They have to realise that YOU don't owe your XPIL anything, and that if they treat you like crap, you don't have to put yourself out for them.

Insist on all contact to the DC through their Golden Boy. You have done more than your best, they have chosen to treat you with contempt and try to emotionally manipulate you and your DC. That, for me, would be a deal breaker.

I'm of the school of thinking, that if you want me to do something for you, then at least be nice to me. If you can't manage that, then I can't do things for you.

I agree with Isetan, you are wasting far too much energy on these undeserving people. Cut them off. It's their loss.

sorry for the spellos, cut finger this morning, typing with plaster..

Golden boy has no contact, since he left contact with gp was him supposed to see kids and dumpting them on his parents and playing golf and going off drinking with his sisters with a long sleep just in time for lunch, he would leave straight after so not spend any time with kids, and kids being insecure and angry and too scared to say anything to him so of course it got taken out on me, or it has been through me since he left! They had a bit of a good time with the gp's when I organised things, all they wanted was their Dad to want them after he left...

I have a deep felt fear that the gp's will take me to court,that is my very greatest fear as I know that I will be forced to do so much and I feel I am apeasing them to avoid that, it is something that turns my stomach every time they get in contact, I have medical reasons to not travel to where they want... the thing is ex did the same dictating to me the court did not care at all...the other thing is I am scared the ex will take me to court again if I agrivate his parents... the court would not listen to or care about any of the above, been there done it before... I also worry that ex and his family will lie to the children when they are older, and I worry that the children will fantasise that ex's family and he will be someone they are not...

I am not running around after them anymore, I only respond to things they send me, and I have some anxiety as there will be a card coming again soon no doubt!

I would love to have nothing to do with them again, legally they have rights, morally and psychologically I agree with you, so I have learned to go by the law!

I hope you have kept all the cards to show cafcass should you ever need to.

yes I have! my past experience of cafcass is that they want to be in control of meeting and I have tried to give them evidence in the past and they refused to see it... I have though given some of the evidence to the court! I even have someone who was with me when I opened the card that showed dd in a bin!

I wonder if it is worth you pre-empting the nastiness and sending them a christmas card with photo of dc yet again reminding them that they are welcome to come and collect the dc for dc from your home any weekend with notice, and how unfortunately due to your deteriorated health you are not able to drive x hours to their previously suggest meet up point?

Send it recorded, make a note of it????

car girl, fantastic idea, yes yes yes, I will do that!!!! thank you, it is so difficult sometimes to see past the wood for the tree's when it comes to your own problems x thanks x

I hope it helps, if it doesn't trigger a torrent of abuse you can send them Christmas/Easter/Birthdays/Grandparents days etc, include the mobile number again - suggest they text with a day time that is good for your dc to ring them?