How can i help my alcoholic drug using sister

[begood]

I don't really know if this is the right place for this but any answers would be appreciated. I really don't know how to help my sister who is i suspect an alcoholic who also does drugs (cocaine). This has been going on for at least 8 years and my parents and my husband and myself have desparately been trying to help her, be supportive, just be there etc.. She has had hypnotherapy and CBT - no help at all but i suspect she lied to therapists. She has been in terrible situations including being raped and having a knife held to her(many more i don't know about). She has been living with our parents but they have finally asked her to leave. Any advice appreciated - i just feel so helpless and frustrated. She is 38.

Sorry, OP, I forgot to add my bit to you!

It is important not to facilitate her addictions (by giving her money, mainly) and to protect your own emotional wellbeing. This means you'll help her by finding a way to detach yourself from her issues. That's different from offering ad-hoc support, though. If she feels like a chat, needs company or hasn't been eating properly, I would definitely say take her out for a meal or have her round. Detachment doesn't equal abandonment. That's sometimes the hardest bit to get your head around - and if you can't cope with lending detached support, you'd be better off abandoning her. Groups like al-anon can be very helpful in providing the support you need in maintaining a healthy balance.

I hope things look up for all of you :)

Thanks ifgraceasks - the bit about detachment and abandonment are helpful - i completely will be there for chats etc. i hope. Thing is she always says the right things then does the opposite and i fall for it every time.
Good to hear from you LadyOfTheFlowers. What happened with your brother in the end?

I agree with Grace about the "eating before you can cook" thing.

I've had a lot of therapy to fix "negative behaviour". I didn't start out "perfect" - but with the emotional support & guidance I got from my psych team I was able to put these negative behaviours to one side one at a time.

What I mean is, if she can get good psychological support then perhaps after 2 sessions she'll cut back on the coke use... and then maybe she'll only drink 4 nights and so forth.

I really hugely disagree with the policy that addicts will be offered psychotherapy if they're clean. How can you get clean when you're using to numb the pain?

BeGood he did get better in the end.

He came to a point when he actuslly realised the pain he was causing yo everyone else and decided he did want to live and not exist. He hated what he had become.

He asked for help.

We got him into counselling etc.

He is fine now. :)

Good luck. x

Hi had to jump on this thread. I have had so many troubles with my own brother who is a needle user of amphetamine and on and off with heroin, this time last year I was posting on here in a similar way. I felt so desperate for him, so upset for my parents and really low. I read lots of things on the web narcotics anon and support groups for family members hopefully this link works;
www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f11/letter-drug-addict-your-child-31781/ I have read similar things about looking at it from their point of view, we can impose our way of life onto an addict unless they really really want change and help. I had to speak to my parents about enabling which we all were so we sat my brother down last year (30 years old) and we calmy 'released him with love' we said we love him but the path of life he has chosen is very distressing for us so we want to be a little more hands off with him. We then had to stand back as he lost his job, home, car and most of his friends!!! It was all his doing and his decision. The lowest ebb was when he was kicked out of his flat so wrecked it and stole all the money from the metre! since then he has got a girlfriend and has lived in peoples spare rooms/bedsits etc and lives hand to mouth. He is better than he was as they both have a drugs worker - but what ive learnt is to accept him for what he is and stand back and let him make his own choices. We see a lot of him but never when off his head and its still a shame but ive come to terms with him. I hope you can find this sort of peace, remember you did not cause this, you can not control, it you can not cure it

So, over christmas my sister 'came out' as a lesbian but says she is not sure. She is having a relationship with a woman who has been in an abusive marriage. This woman refuses to meet my sisters friends or family and apparently cries when my sister is supposed to come and see us. My sister won't really talk about the relationship but usually says it is up and down.
She is now on a 3 month warning from work due to poor punctuality.
We have found out she is in a lot of debt.
The friend she moved in with called my mum yesterday to say she can't hack my sister living there anymore. She comes back in the middle of the night drunk, steals her alcohol, lies to her. The friend - lovely person- wakes her up and makes sure she gets to work.
My mum keeps crying. I think this is the path to rock bottom. I feel so sad.

You cannot help or save someone who ultimately may not want to be saved.

Do not bail her out financially or emotionally. Her friend too needs to stop waking her up as that is enabling her as well. Hard as all that to do is you must protect yourselves otherwise her addictions will destroy you as well. A tough love approach is very much needed.

You can as a family only protect yourselves; enabling her will do her no favours at all and only gives you false control of the situation.

It feels impossible to watch her destroy herself. But is also impossible to save her. We have been trying for 10 years.
You have hit the nail on the head about having false control of the situation.

Creams links were interesting. It's good go hear a different take on something. Right or wrong.

Al -anon ( find your nearest meeting on line)then detatch with love for your health..one must not carry the addict but you carry the message of recovery ...AA..

If you get close to an active addict you get burned.. if you pull away they may reach "rock bottom" .Very few addicts get it in the head (some luckily do )they have to loose things: House,job, family.

12 steps are grrreat and so is Al-anon...shared journey , identification ..Best of love /luck.

Major alert before reading orange-papers, read www.green-papers.org