did it but need help staying strong and not going back

[doneit]

long story. Have finally done it and left h after many months of emotional abuse which kids were starting to get too. Am so confused. All that is clear to me is that the kids need stability and a home where they can be kids and feel safe. Beyond that i don't know. And as for me and h and our future i have no idea what i want. Anyone please any advice most gratefully received.

i have left our home (council house) and staying with friends but want to take kids back to their home. I was told to speak to solicitor and they can help me to get him to move out while we try to work things out. I think he will refuse and say i should go and leave kids with him which i wont do. Need to get kids back in school and routine. Such a huge mess

No experience so can't really offer any practical advice I'm afraid but there was a thread recently (link below) where someone had left then got a court order for the H to move out so she could move back in with the kids.

Hope someone is along soon with some good advice. Stay strong.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1058878-d-h-threatened-to-hit-me

Get in touch with WOmen's AId they can advise you on ways of getting the man out of the house (legaly of course). If a man is abusive, he is likely to lose the right to live in the family home because it is seen as the children's home and they have a right to live in it safely, without an abusive man there.

Doneit firstly WELL DONE. This stage is hard, but you will get through it. You have done so so well to get here and you just need to keep track of why you are here. If you've posted any threads on here etc or kept a diary or have any record of the reasons you left in the end it might help to put them all together.

Also watch out for your XP suddenly turning on the charm and being mr reasonable, mr nice, mr suddenly-discovered-emotions, etc etc. You are very vulnerable right now and he will know that instinctively. If you can avoid contact with him as much as possible, that will help a lot. Don't answer the phone to him and if he tries to call just text saying you'd prefer to keep to email contact only. Then get your friend (if she is willing) to screen the emails before you read them.

Good luck! You have done so well and it's all going to be worth it and work out in the end.

Well done.

well done .

you need legal advice on the house.

only communicate with H by email so it is all recorded -stick to factual stuff, arrangemetns and so on. dont answer the phone to him. dont repsond to any texts unless you given yourself an hour to consider a factual yes/no answer if there is a spcecific question.

dont have him vist kids with you at your friends - have this happen at public place for now eg library / soft play preferably with a third party there.

email him offering regular contact timess to set the idea of a routine eg tues and thurs evnings after school plus alternate weekends.

go to your GP for support tell everything that has gone on and ask for refrral to NHs cousellor (takes a while to get appts - if you decide then you dont need it fine but good idea to get on the list now...for free support).

been on phone to womens aid this morning and got a number for a solicitor. Was thinking to try a separation and go for mediation but actually don't know if i want him back. I don't miss him just feel sorry for him for what he will lose in not having me and the kids. But that was his doing. Thanks for warning about charm offensive etc. He is talking non stop about going to get help etc but i am afraid it's all talk and what he thinks i want to hear. want to so hard to focus and stay strong when all i want to do is cry and for it to all go away

the other thing is contact with the kids. At the moment i am miles away from him so kids can't see him. They haven't asked for him or anything. What worries me is that he will speak to them and make them feel bad going on about how sad he is etc. I know i can't stop him seeing them but i don't know how to make him understand it's about the kids and their feelings not his

Well done. This was me many years ago. I dont claim to know everything but make baby steps, take things very slowly, think things through. If he promises huge changes, ask yourself why he wasnt prepared to change/get help before you left. Your priority now is to your children and yourself. Take whatever help you can get. You will become stronger everyday.

bloody hell. That is exactly what he has done. Has arranged councelling. Got appointment with psychiatrist. Etc. Basically totally changed his tune. He says i have as much time as i need and big changes if i go back. Eg time out to follow my own interests. Time for us as a couple. Agreed division of household chores etc. Sounds great but i can't help wyomeesi what the catch is, also is it too little too late-

does anybody know an example of a happy ending if you went back to him after all this?

he will try everything.....cut contact completely...i have been there

my ex h developed 'cancer',told me it was ok to tell the dc too....thats how low some men will sink to get back to how it was. he also had all the counselling/anger management courses you can ever go on!!

it will be the same if you go back. i was in a hostel with 4 dc before getting rehoused. it all worked out amazingly well

god why is this so hard? Tbh i have no idea what to do for the best. Do i fight for our home and it him out or do i move away to be near my family for support?

family...i relocated in a new place,do regret not going nearer to family tho!!

Mine told my mum he had cancer right after telling me he had cheated on me.

Think of yourself as a fish and he is the fisherman with the rod and the hook. This is what the promise of therapy is. Give him ten years of sustained improvement before you even consider thinking about him.

I would go to your family. Forget the house. You need the family nearby. You need the support and so do your DCs.

so........
here I am 4 weeks later and ashamed to say that I did succome (sp) to the charm offensive and went back.
In many ways things are much better but he still doesn't understand the reason I left and tbh I am re-reading this now to try and understand why I left myself. That sounds so pathetic, if you asked me what had happened I can't explain it.
I feel like he is pushing me too hard to move on in a direction I don't feel comfortable with.

We have talked about our situation and agreed we need a change... we are self employed running our own business and it's too stressful. He has applied for a job and got it, but it means moving.. I'm frightened that I will move house and up root kids etc and then he'll decide he can't stand the job and then what? Ultimately I know that if that's what happens then he has had his last chance and I will leave and not go back, but why does it have to come to this? I know some of you will say that I know ultimately the truth, that I am better off without him, but please be gentle with me

I don't know your history, sorry. All I can say is you sound very sad and in need of a big ((hug)).

thanks geordie
I spoke to my mum on the phone and asked her honest opinion, she has been great, not judging me but supporting my decisions. Mum and I agree that by him taking the new job and not running our own business together any more, life will be 500 times better for me and the kids, but there's still that leap of faith for me to make to give him that chance. My mum says that she worries about me dd who is 5 and quite sensitive. She is beginning to blossom at primary school and I don't want to stop that by moving her once with her father and then leaving him and moving her again, as if it's over then I will take the kids and go back to my family who live miles away...
It's all so hard

Is the only option a job that is such a long way away? My DD is 5 and I think she could handle a change of school or two if necessary - it's not what parents usually choose but her life wouldn't be over if you try then it doesn't work. The first question is do you want to try to make the relationship work, then make other decisions (including possibly leaving if it doesn't work) as and when you need to.

No doubt there will be other jobs coming along in time, but this job seems to be the right thing at the right time.

To be honest I do want things to work and am willing to try my best, but I guess I'm just frightened that he will spoil it by quitting at the first hurdle and then I will be forced to take a long hard look at our future. I am willing to make a change, but I need some guaruntees from him that he is 100% committed to making it work, which I just don't seem to be getting.
Tbh I am so confused, I don#t think I know what I want most of the time.