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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused by 'friend'

21 replies

twosoups · 19/11/2010 00:19

I started a new job in June and was sharing an office with a girl who I seemed to have an instant connection with. This girl had been at the company for some 4 years and the whole "team" had disappeared leaving just her behind.

Five of us started on the same day but it turned out that each of these new recruits drove her mad (or so she confided to me) - except me. As the weeks went on, we found so much common ground and seemed to become close friends quite quickly. I suppose I was feeling like I needed a friend, as there were problems in my personal life (with my father) and I'm also just returned form maternity leave so it's nice to have somebody to talk to other than the baby on a daily basis. For her part, her husband works nights so often isn't home when she gets in from work so she's always been up for going to the cinema and thngs because she has no kids (trying but nothing happening).

As time went on, she confided in me more and more about how much she couldn't stand one of the other girls in the office, right down to how she spoke, what she said, what she wore. She would literally start ranting about her the minute she'd gone.

She came to my house and met my kids and said they could call her "Auntie Mel". It all began to feel a bit full-on and I noticed that if we went anywhere for lunch, it would always be me that did the driving (she never offered).

Also, she would ask me to buy her things (small things like drinks) and never get round to giving me the money or would make arrangements and then forget about them (eg were were supposed to be going shopping one Sunday and I was really looking forward to it and she'd completely forgotten). I put it down to being disorganised - she's always really late for work as well.

Anyway, last month I had to move offices and effectively go into another building so no longer sat next to her. My new office is near the entrance to both buildings so she has to pass my open door at least twice a day but she never comes in to say hello. I hardly see her at all and she's gone very "cold" on me all of a sudden. These things happen, don't they - but the funny thing is that she is now really close frineds with this girl who she apparently couldn't stand only a few weeks ago.

She's got a new office-mate now and I've seen on her facebook page that they have long dialogues until the early hours of the morning but the really weird thing is that Mel says things to this new office mate that she said to me, saying how much they have in common, how she's like the sister she never had. Honestly - it's like a script and almost exactly what she said to me a few months ago.

I feel quite confused. Used? Disregarded? Not sure. She and the new office mate are going out tomorrow night with the girl she apparently can;t stand. They've also started turning up at staff meetings in a three and wearing similar clothes. They certainly haven't invited me to join them yet we're in a "team" from which they seem to be developign a "sub team". It feels quite nasty and intimidating and others are feeling the same way (eg our secretary, other colleagues).

Does this sound like anything anyone else has ever experienced? I'm struggling to make sense of it.

OP posts:
matthew2002smum · 19/11/2010 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 19/11/2010 00:35

you've had a lucky escape.

ICouldHaveWrittenThis · 19/11/2010 00:38

She sounds a bit like a friend I used to have... certain kinds of friends come and go - they're there during the period that you really need them, and then suddenly, they're gone. Look on them like fleeting angels, and you won't feel so bad about it.

She also sounds like a dyspraxic friend of mine

wukter · 19/11/2010 00:41

Blinks is right.
You're friendship wasn't real. You served a purpose for her, now someone else is.

Let it go.

Thingumy · 19/11/2010 00:45

Agree with wukter.

dignified · 19/11/2010 00:46

Yes , ive experienced this once , its very hurtfull. Over the years ive met similar charecters , They are very flattering , theres lots of confiding which is meant to make you feel close , and to confide back . And the bitching , its always a sign. There always ranting and raving about somebody , whether its deserved or not.

Some people are just like this , they are best freinds with whoevers available , its more circumstantial than anything . And it is a script , one they replay again and again. They are users and takers and are only capable of having shallow freindships , usually with people who can benefit them in some way.

Thinking back there was probably signs that seem obvious now , but we always like to see the best in people . Freindships develop over time , be wary of people trying to push their way in , same as you would with a new man .

Its nothing youve done , try not to let it upset you , their little " sub team " wont last long in all likelihood. I worked with someone like this not long ago. The odd coffee and chat soon turned into " I consider you a really good freind " and other inapropriate remarks, lots of confiding ect , she was just too familiar . She also targeted a particular woman for bitching and i think she did that in an attempt to " bond " with others.

She too was scatty and disorganised , never had her purse , and always tried to define me as if she knew me really well.

I think she got sick of me and made a " group " with a few other women who turned into schoolgirls. I remained polite but distant and simply watched . It took a good 6 months , but the others started to notice , and they too dumped her , and on she went to someone else.

I watch and listen carefully to how people speak about others , i assume thats how they speak about me too . Hopefully her groupies will have noticed her treatment of you.

AphraBen · 19/11/2010 01:23

She is shallow, simple as that. I agree you've made a lucky escape. Smile and keep walking.

conquita · 19/11/2010 02:49

I agree, you have had a lucky escape indeed, just get on with your job and try not to think about her. I am always suspicious of people who gossip and bitch about others, because I know they will be bitching me to others for sure. You don't need this toxic person in your life.

MadamDeathstare · 19/11/2010 03:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 19/11/2010 09:18

She sounds like a bit of a sociopath to be honest and I think you've had a lucky escape. I'm surprised you hung around with her as long as you did. If anyone starts bitching and slagging other people off to me behind their backs, they instantly go down in my estimation and it makes me want to keep my distance. There's nothing more off-putting than a bitch.

Also, wrt the dressing the same and the clique forming; are they 14 years old, or just emotionally underdeveloped?

You're better off out of it?

madonnawhore · 19/11/2010 09:18

Oops, didn't mean to type that last '?'

ginnny · 19/11/2010 12:35

I think there is someone like this in every office environment, certainly all the large offices I've worked in.
Definitely a lucky escape - just a shame you got sucked in by her.
Don't feel hurt - its her issue not yours.

EnnisDelMar · 19/11/2010 12:43

This is so weird - I have a friend who has always gone on about how much she dislikes the other mums in the playground - and the other week I noticed they were her friends suddenly, on facebook - I couldn't work it out!

Hopefully she isn't saying stuff about me, like she was about them...oh well.

twosoups · 19/11/2010 13:27

Thanks for all your replies. I'm seeing it clearer now.

Ennis - I also know a mother like this in the playground. She walks home with me and bitches non-stop about one of the other mums and her child. For a while I really felt she was stirring up trouble between the kids as well.

I notice now she's best of pals with her. We all went out in a group about a fortnight ago and the two of them went to the loo together "to do their lipstick" and I really felt they'd been bitching when they got back

These poeple must be everywhere! Aargh!

OP posts:
Unprune · 19/11/2010 13:36

This describes my SIL to a T.
Drops people like a stone, picks on next victim, bitches non-stop, gets into business deals with people, even (gullible people...), falls out with them....
We only find out about it all because a neighbour knows what's said about her. The local women mostly have the measure of her but of course there's always a new person who's nice enough to fall for it (for a while).

madonnawhore · 19/11/2010 13:42

That's why I never give bitchy people the time of day. If they're slagging someone off to you, you can be sure they're capable (and probably are) slagging you off to someone else.

MadamDeathstare · 19/11/2010 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dignified · 19/11/2010 13:47

When someone starts slagging people off to me i always state that i dont know them very well , and feel a bit uncomfortable talking about them. They usually try a few more times until they get the message.

This builds some boundarys and makes it clear that you dont like this sort of behaviour , therefore your not going to make a good freind for a Narc / sociopath or any other disordered person.

I find people easily tell you who they are , not in words , but in actions . The trick is to listen carefully , something thats easily missed if your a nice person and want to see the best in people.

Ah , i miss those days of being non suspicious !

booyhoo · 19/11/2010 13:51

she's a user. she used you for company and free drinks, entertainment etc. now you are too inconvenient for her and she has the otehr girl permanently at her beck and call she has no use for you.

harsh but true. and as others say. you have had a lucky escape. far betetr to know know rather than a few years down teh line where you have invested alot more in teh friendship.

anotherbrickinthewall · 19/11/2010 13:52

lucky escape mate, honest. wonder if she was left behind deliberately as she wound up her other colleagues so much Hmm

popzie · 19/11/2010 13:54

Crikey, I'd hate to have a needy friend like that. As soon as anyone starts confiding in stuff and talking best friends, I'm off like a frightened rabbit. It's so claustraphobic (spelling!) it makes me feel a bit - dunno how to describe it - invaded I suppose.

You are so lucky to be out of it. Celebrate your individualism and think how sad they look dressing the same and nattering away like silly little tripplets.

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