I think my husband wants the marriage to be over

[MissM]

Had a terrible row tonight and husband went out. He just came back and I went to him and said that I know he's angry, but that we need to talk about it and suggested counselling. His response was 'I'm not going to fucking counselling' and he didn't want to talk to me. He says it's all to do with me. I've had a really good day today, really feeling more positive about life, and now I just feel completely devestated. I think he wants out. I don't. But if he won't talk, and blames me then what else is there?

Please someone talk to me as I'm just weeping.

I know how you feel, but a lot of men have a "thing" about counselling. saying no to it just after an argument doesn't mean he won't ever go.

also its not unusual for one partner to blame the other entirely after an argument.

you need to leave it for now. let him calm down. then ask again. it may be that he still says no, but he may not. and even if he does say no, you can go on your own. he doesn't necessarily want out (though I can see how you might feel that).

it takes two and is all about perception

whilst he might be angry at an incident, the fact that he wont talk to you is an indication of his piss poor communication skills something that couselling could help with

Thank you senora. I think he does want out. He's sleeping downstairs tonight. He's very very angry, and to be honest things have been fairly rocky for a while. But I don't want the relationship to end - I have two small children for starters and have just been made redundant. And I also see that we have a huge amount going for us that both of us have lost sight of because of the blackness that seems to have taken over.

I understand what you're saying about going alone, but I feel that if we don't work through it together then it's not worth it.

Sorry Custardo, didn't see your post until after I'd written mine above. He does have crap communication skills, he always has. I told him it's not just about me and what I've done, but he is so angry at the moment that he is being unreasonable.

I think you need to wait until he's calmed down - asking someone when they are steaming mad to go to counselling is never going to end well :(

It's hard to say much more when we don't know how often you row, what you row about etc.

I have spent most of the last 3 years trying to get my 'poor communication skills' DP to stop being an arse and to be adult when shit happens.

3 bloody years! We still row but finally he is beginning to express himself a whole lot better and this diffuses the situation and so the arguments are less.

The only way I was able to get this to happen was to refuse to communicate with him at all until he would address the problem directly but calmly. Uusually he would prefer to go off in a huff and then pretend all was okay, making me feel like crap. I had to turn it on its head and let him stew in his own foulness.

...so you need to let him calm down. with my dh this can take 4 days or so.

don't worry yet. and counselling alone can help, in that it can give you strategies for getting your point across, and also help you to clarify how you feel in your own head first

'I have spent most of the last 3 years trying to get my 'poor communication skills' DP to stop being an arse and to be adult when shit happens.'

These could be my words precisely! Except that it's been more like 12 years. He can be an arse, and he does behave like a child. I used to be really patient but now we have small children I haven't got the time or energy to be patient. Four days?! That will be tough...

Very tired and emotionally drained and need to sleep. Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it.

My DH refused counselling so I went on my own and it REALLY HELPED ME deal with my own emotions and frustrations, which then helped me communicate to him in such a way that he reciprocated more positively. Basically, I practised with the counsellor how to express my emotions in a non-accusing way. It doesn't always work and we do get into some bad arguments sometimes but overall we communicate much more constructively now.

I hope you do get some sleep and that in a day or two you can talk to him and move forward.