attracted to a woman?

[snowcherries]

I have namechanged and promise I'm not a troll.

Have been married for 5 years, have 2yr old DD. Have spent a lot of this year questioning my relationship, just wanting to be along really, we've managed to sort it out I think but I feel ambivalent which is actually breaking my heart. He's lovely, sex is still great etc I just don't think I love him anymore. I regularly get inundated with thoughts that I'm missing out on aspects of life I wasn't yet mature enough to consider (living on my own, stuff like that), but I know a lot of this probably stems from losing independance thanks to becoming a mother.

I work in a fast-turning industry (can't be specific, I have RL friends on MN) and work with new people every few months in a very close environment. I've just started a new job and one of the girls I'm working with I was joking about having a 'girl-crush' on but I now wonder if my feelings are strong than that? I've always appreciated attractive women, snogged a few friend when I was younger (normally, cringe, to get male attention) and had a small phase of wondering if I was bi but that was years ago and I haven't had any reason to think it since. But this girl has seriously got me wondering - she's attractive physically but she's just bloody brilliant as a person, I do feel deeply attracted to her, can sense I'm flirting with her, finding excuses to chat and hang out with her, basically acting in the way I do when I'm attracted to a man and I don't seem to be able to control it.

Has anyone else (who would always have labelled themselves as straight) ever felt like this? Regardless I obviously wouldn't do anyting because I'm married and cheating is cheating, but I am wondering if this is maybe just symptomatic of my feelings about my relationship with DH, or at least of things I subconsciously feel I'm missing out on...

Am just feeling very confused and lost and don't want to start posting on LGBT forums as we share a computer

sorry, I mean "just wanting to be alone"

I think the fact this person is a woman is a red herring. If you had posted this dilemma (and many do) using the words 'other man' you'd get lots of predictable advice; namely to either try and work on your marriage, or leave it. But don't worry about other people outside your relationship for the foreseeable.

You do sounds as though you are craving excitement, which is understandable in some ways if part of you is still adjusting to motherhood and the constraints that imposes. I sometimes fantasize about being completely free to do whatever I want, even though I'm a single mum I'll never be able to live alone because my son is always there. It's hard, and the glamour of an office romance (with either gender) can seem an attractive option.

Rather than getting bogged down in whether you're bi, though, why don't you consider the relationship you're in, and what you're going to do about that. After all, if you decide to stay, the idea of other women is a non-issue - unless you opt for an open marriage, which judging by another recent thread on here, isn't always plain sailing. Or if you decide to leave, you can work out over a period of time whether you're straight, gay, or somewhere in between. But your current relationship should be your focus; if your sexuality prohibits the relationship continuing, well, then it's relevant.

Really though, this crush is probably symptomatic of something missing for you, and you might want to explore something like Relate - either as a couple or individually - to work through what you should do about the ambivalence you're experiencing.
Have you voiced any of your doubts to your DH? Would he be shocked if he knew you were looking around for excitement elsewhere because you're not satisfied with the relationship?
Hope you get things sorted. :)

Thanks so much for replying and I think everything you've said is what I know really. The ambivalence is breaking my heart but I've always been very good at pretending everything's ok in my life when it isn't - I don't want to hurt DH and so could never imagine leaving him.

He has no idea how I am feeling, to be honest I try to ignore how I'm feeling because it feels utterly selfish - we get on (mostly!), both good parents to DD, support each other, we do have good sex still so I'm not repulsed by him or anything but while I adore him am not sure I feel the same attraction.

I'm sure a lot of this is down to being a mother now and the excitement dulling in our relationship (butterflies etc). DH would be shocked and heartbroken if he knew any of this.

You're right that regardless of the other stuff I need to focus on my relationship - it's just that my feelings for this woman have knocked me for six. I've been attracted to other men during my marriage but never acted on it (or to be honest even considered it because my DH would win out on every level) and I guess because I didn't see this coming as she's female. Ugh just not sure what to do about it. But thankyou for your advice - was worried about starting a troll hunt

Do you fantasise about her when you have sex/ masturbate? If yes, then you may well be Bi. But you should probably be completely honest with your DH every step of the way. He is your primary relationship right now and deserves all the information, before things get out of hand. Perhaps if you take the secrecy element away, your feelings for this woman may start to dissipate.....x

It doesn't make you bi. Fancying women is not about being bi or gay or anything else. But it sounds like a bit of a distraction from real life. Isn't that what fantasies are for?

Btw say nothing to your husband at this point, there's nothing to tell him. He might not take it well - some men are extremely threatened by such things.

no I won't say anything to DH, you're right that there isn't really anything to tell. I do fantasise about her but the attraction is much more than sexual and very different to just 'clicking' with a new friend.

I'm not sure what I tell DH though, I can't tell him I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, maybe I am but life is getting in the way. I doubt it though

Is she gay?

I really feel for you. I'm also in a relationship with someone I'm not sure I'm in love with. I know I love him, but well, we have very little in common, I don't really enjoy his company as a friend anymore, but we function very well as a family together.

Some relationships can handle a friendly 'hey, there is this woman I'm attracted to' conversation. Many can't. But it does sound like this is acting as a catalyst for you to be questioning your own relationship and whether it's the right one for you. That doesn't mean that your attraction to her couldn't turn into something meaningful and lasting. Women's sexuality can be very fluid, and well, maybe you are a touch Bi. Nothing wrong with that. But there really are two issues here. a) you are attracted to someone who isn't your DH and b) the other person you're attracted to is a woman.

B) has nothing to do with a). Sort out a) first.

Sounds confusing and painful.

she's bisexual

elephants that sounds very similar, I often think I prob wouldn't be friends with DH if he wasn't my DH, we too have less and less in common but he is my biggest support and treats me well...so tough and I'm just hoping that's because parenthood is taking its toll on us but I fear not. I was hesitant when he first asked me to marry him but pushed away all faintly negative feelings as I was so desperate for someone to 'save me form myself' and make me feel like I was worth something.

I think my worry isn't that I might be bi - I honestly think if I weren't in a relationship I'd be open to see if this would go anywhere, agree with you about women's sexuality being fluid. But that conversation could not happen in my relationship - he would be deeply hurt and worried and I know that if I was given the space to test out my feelings the big danger would be falling in love with someone else, it's not just about sex.

If this was another man however I think I'd be straight away focusing on my relationship, but I feel wrong-footed and like this is potentially a massive part of my life I will now always miss out on.

God I sound selfish