So worried for my friend...

[BelleMama]

My best friend is going through such an awful time at the moment and I'm trying to support her but I don't feel like I'm being very successful.

She has a wonderful DS of 5 but separated from her DH 3 years ago. She has been with current BF for 2 years (on and off).

From the beginning they have had a very dramatic and tumultuous relationship. But I always assumed this was as a reaction against her ex as their relationship had always been a bit "boring" - her words not mine.

But in the last year I discovered the extent of the drama. He flies into rages at the smallest thing, like if she asks him where he has been with his friends, or rings him at the wrong time. I won't repeat his language but I would describe it as hateful. (He uses the word hate). But then a couple of days later he comes back, all apologies and flowers and she takes him back because she loves him so much.

She got pregnant a year ago, he told her to get rid of it, told her he never wanted to see her again, left her to get the abortion on her own, wouldn't reply to her messages, then as soon as the baby was gone he came back, apologised and she accepted his apology.

I have totally tried to support her, understand her love for him but I hate to see her subject herself to this kind of emotional abuse. She is currently on anti depressants and has lost all her confidence. She keeps trying to leave him and then changes her mind as soon as he apologises.

How can I help? I've tried listening and supporting. I've tried pointing out that his behaviour is unacceptable and she deserves better - although she agrees at the time it never seems to have any impact.

Obviously I am concerned for her DS - all this upset in their home must be awful for him. She thinks she protects him from it but I cannot believe that it isn't having an impact on him.

HELP!

You're a good friend, but the unfortunate truth is that until she see's it herself...to what is blatantly obvious to everyone else..that this man is an abuser..or until he finally goes and stays away (which would be a blessing)..there's plenty more worry to come. All you can do as a friend (as frustrating as it is) is to be there for her.

Although her judgement is skewered by love, dependency, total lack of self confidence, call it what you will....she is an adult and has to make her own decisions.

I've no doubt that you've had many conversations with her on the subject, and you are clearly worried and rightly frustrated by her inability to see that she would be so much better off without him in the long run.

If she is also a regular on MN..or even if she isn't ...then after a few days show her the responses that this thread had had...although she may be cross...it will show third party impartial advice, that will hit home. I know, I was in a similar position, kept on going back for more, but it wasn't until I got the responses from MN that I really saw the relationship for what it was.

Good luck, and hang on in, she's lucky to have you have you as a friend.

OMG, this is so sad, a case of "Run, Forrest, Run"!! and her son will definately be damaged by this, as well as learning this is how you treat women in relationships.

Buy her a copy of "Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward, (just read the reviews on Amazon), and tell her to keep it on her bedside table (and out of his sight!).

Quite honestly, there's not much you can do until she "sees the light".

I hate to say this but there is really nothing you can do. She is an adult and as such is responsible for managing her own life. Also, when it comes to such an unhealthy relationship, there is nothing you can do or say to make her leave.

My experiences;

I had a friend who was besotted with a gaping rectum of a man. He cheated on her, walked all over her and physically abused her. Everyone pleaded with her to leave him, but she always had an excuse for why she could not. Not even after he beat her so badly, he broke most of her ribs and her jaw. She still went back to him as soon as she was discharged. Wash, rinse, repeat cycle.

Her parents eventually disowned her.

10 years on, they are still together.

Then there's the friend who knowingly let her DH sexually abuse her DD(DD was her Ex's); 7 years later, they are still together. Same script, different actors.

SA

@antalya1 - thanks for your advice, I think I will do that.
@suburbophobe - had a look at that book, looks really interesting. I think I will defo order it. Even the comments on the book resonate (e.g. he always makes her feel like it is her fault that he behaves this way, blames his difficult upbringing to make her feel sorry for him etc.

@surreyamazon - sorry for what you've been through. Your friends sound horrendous. But then if i'm judging my friend harshly (and sometimes I do in private - as in in my head or here on mumsnet) I just think. WTF ARE YOU DOING? EVEN IF YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF, JUST THINK ABOUT THE DAMAGE YOU ARE DOING TO YOUR CHILD.

But you are all right in saying that she has to realise it herself. He isolates her from her friends so all I can do is hang in there ready to support her the day she realises she needs to leave (i still believe this will happen.)

This may also make interesting reading...it was my 'lightbulb' moment when it finally made me realise what I was up against!
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Hi antalya1 that is really helpful thank you.

Emotional abuse is so horrible just because it is so hard to identify sometimes and because it makes the person suffering feel like they are always the one in the wrong.

This definitely rings true of my friend. She believes that she triggers his abusive outbursts - that her behaviour sets him off. For a long time (to my great shame) in the early days I thought she was just being a bit needy with him and demanding (obviously at this stage she was giving me an edited version of what was going on). This is purely because this was how he was making her feel so thats what she was telling me. As his behaviour got more extreme I realised that it was much much more than that.

He is so awful, cruel and manipulative that it makes my skin crawl.

In case anyone is interested in new development. She announced a week ago that they had split. And they do actually seem to have split, though I believe he actually instigated it. They've split many times before, but this time she seems to have reached the limit of what she can take. (The abusive row topped anything he had said to her before).

I shared the article and book with her and she said it made her cry when she realised how much of it is true. Tomorrow we are going to change her number. I'm still not confident he is out of the picture but there is a glimmer of hope.

I'm glad there is a glimmer of hope. But in all honesty, you need to prepare yourself for the glimmer going out. It's terribly hard to know how to be a good friend in such circumstances, but is it really likely she has confronted the demons that made her able to accept what he was doing as reasonable?

I hope she has made the break from him. If she hasn't, I hope she will soon. You are a good friend to hang in there.

TBH I don't know tribpot but she has started to be angry with him / seeing his behaviour as unacceptable and to talk about the "old her" so I think she is making some progress.

It's hard to tell isn't it because I don't know how much she is telling me what she thinks I want to hear.