Do I expect too much, or too little?

[bringbackfonz]

I have been in a relationship for 5 years and I still can't work out why it keeps going wrong... Sometimes I think my dp is basically an ok, if rather limited, guy, and it's my fault for expecting more, and sometimes I think he is a nasty piece of work.

Obviously no-one can answer this question who doesn't know us, but thought I'd run it past you all anyway...

There are lots of things about him that really upset or bother me. Most of all, he doesn't 'do' emotions very well. He himself is very unemotional, and if I get emotional he doesn't really know how to respond. He can't really listen and thinks it's an imposition that I should want him to. He doesn't ask questions or remember things I've told him. When I have been depressed in the past he's been really nasty, even calling me names and shouting at me. He can get extremely angry and a lot of the time he is just low-level grumpy.

He often says he'll do things and then just doesn't do them (eg plans we've made, coming home early, etc). He is not romantic at all, never does nice things out of the blue. He's not a fun or spontaneous kind of person. He is very absorbed in his work a lot of the time.

BUT he is good with the children (1 and 4 years old) and spends more time with them than most men (I think). He also does a lot of stuff around the house like cooking, washing up, washing the clothes. He is not possessive or controlling at all. He doesn't go out and get drunk or flirt with other women. He's not stingy with money. He's committed to me and the children.

So to sum up: how much does it matter if you feel your dp can't support you emotionally at all? If you feel like the relationship only works in the good times, and then only on quite a basic level?

I'm not looking for great romance and extreme happiness, I'm just looking for a solid relationship to bring up the children with a guy who's nice enough. Perhaps I make him difficult because I am anxious and critical and probably difficult to live with.

Any views? Thanks!

It worries me that you say he "can get extremely angry". Would you care to elaborate at all?

That aside it doesn't sound like you are very well suited - he doesn't support your emotional needs and you describe him as "not spontaneous and fun" - which to me says you would prefer it if he was these things, rather than liking the fact he is routined and predictable.

Are you anxious because of his anger? Ie were you always anxious, even before you got together?

Would it be worth you going to relate so he can learn how to emotionally support you, it is something that to an extent can be learned.

would you really like to look back in 10 years and say "well, he really was a good dish washer...."

calling you names is very bad - when you're depressed, it is deplorable

Hi, we have tried Relate but it didn't really get us anywhere.

I've always been anxious really, it's not because of his anger. He doesn't get angry out of the blue or come home angry or anything like that. But if we get into an argument and I accuse him of things, he can get very angry, shouting, name-calling, throwing cushions etc.

We're not very well suited, that's true (!), but now we are together with two children, I feel like we have to try and make it work if we can. What I really am trying to work out for myself is whether this is just a typically difficult, rather unsatisfying relationship with small children, or whether he is much worst than most.

But does it matter? You are still allowed to have had enough even if he isn't much worse than most.

Yes lewis, I find the way he can be nasty and utterly unsympathetic when I'm unhappy the worst of all. But he says that my being depressed makes me difficult to live with and that he feels it's like an accusation to him, which is why he can't be nicer. Is that plausible?

and don't forget that his outbursts are teaching the children how to behave and conduct themselves and your relationship is their example.

AND if you argue when the children are in the house - they WILL hear it, even if they're asleep

Bertie I see what you mean, but leaving and being a single mother terrifies me and my life would be much harder in many ways. And if he is pretty average, maybe any future partner wouldn't be better anyway.

I wish I knew how much of this was my fault.

are you getting support for the depression?

Yes, am seeing a good therapist and about to start ADs.

I don't know what proportion of people would be better or worse, but certainly at some point in the future if you were in a position to find someone new you could find someone better suited to you, who isn't angry and who supports you emotionally. You don't have to settle just because he isn't abusive.

I know it seems scary being a single parent but I guess you have to weigh it up - but if you really think you would be happier with someone else then it's not really fair on you OR your DP for you to stay in this relationship.

FWIW being alone probably isn't as bad as you think :)