I never imagined it would be this hard.

[longdarktunnel]

My husband left three months ago. Thank you to everyone who got me through those first few weeks here (have namechanged as gave away quite a lot of personal info on that thread) - I really appreciated it. I thought it would get easier, but it's getting harder.

I have to see him several times a week when he comes to see the children. I have to deal with the fact that people move on, and I honestly can't keep boring them with endless details of how I am feeling because frankly they have every right to be bored beyond measure of me and my misery. I have to keep smiling in front of my children, and pretend that I am perfectly fine with them seeing their father all the time, and with them meeting his new woman, when it is killing me inside. I have to accept that the law won't punish him financially, and that he will walk away with a fairly large chunk of our assets, despite the fact it will mean I will probably have to sell the house and even though he has moved in with someone who by his own admission has plenty of money. I have to deal with the fact that our marriage failed, and therefore I must have played some role in that, even though I didn't know he was even unhappy until five minutes before he left me. And I have to deal with the fact that I'm alone, and sad, and can't stop crying and so worried about the future.

People keep telling me I will get over this. But I honestly can't see how. What's going to change? This is horrible.

I am in the same boat, you are not alone in your misery. My ex walked out on me in exactly the same way at the end of July and blamed me and still is for our relationship break up. On Sunday he announced he is marrying this woman for whom he left me and our two DC (ds 5 and DD 5 months) next May. We were meant to get married ourselves in September. I do not stop crying, keep thinking of them good days we had and want them back sooo badly. XMAS is coming and it makes me feel even worse. I feel this pain and it just wont go away. I keep dreaming of him and still love him. Wish it stopped.

I do hope that I will get over him SOON and keep telling myself that wont be on my own next xmas. I do not want to be on my own and made a list of a perfect man. I hope i will meet him one day. Perhaps you should do the same.

Good luck.
x

You're right, that does sound horrible. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Three months is still early days so don't be hard on yourself for not feeling better yet. In fact, don't be hard on yourself at all.

At this stage, you certainly don't have to start analyzing your role in the marriage ending, (your ex can take the credit for that). Try to keep in mind you are still in the middle of grieving and there is not much you can do to rush the process. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself as much as you can.

I know other MNers will be along with experiences soon but I also know that you will come out on the other side of this and you will have your life back, as hard as it is to see now. It can be an equally good if not even better life at that.

I can promise that one day you will see him and feel nothing. Maybe a bit of pity, because he walked away from his family.

I was in your position 3 yrs ago (exactly) and can still remember the very real pain of finding out that my life wasn't going to end up how I had imagined.

It may be hard to see now but you will become stronger and your feelings towards him will change. He has willingly altered the course of your and your dc's lives. It sounds to me like you need to be getting a little bit angry with him.

Why do you have to see him several times a week? If that doesn't suit you then alter it. It will be easier for you if you keep contact to a minimum.

Why do you have to sell the house? Doesn't he have to keep a roof over the dc's heads?

I wish I could make you feel better now but only time can do that.

You won't believe it now but you will start to feel better, I promise. You have to look at it this way: He is the biggest loser here, he has lost his lovely family. You however, still have your beautiful children. Your ex isn't the man you thought he was. You are not grieving for him, you are grieving for the lost future that you had planned. Did you ex cheat on you with his new woman? If he did then you are well rid.

If contact with him is still difficult then I suggest you ask someone else to do the handover. Don't explain why just let him think you're busy.

Furthermore, get busy! You need to start planning your wonderful new life. You need to start doing things for you. While it's natural to grieve the end of the relationship, life is too short to waste so start getting out there and enjoying it. Join a group, an adult evening class or something. Use the time that the ex has the children to your full advantage.

Good luck :)

Its been just 12 weeks , i wouldnt beleive anyone who said they were ok after just 12 weeks, its hardly anything , cut yourself some slack .

I read that it takes between 2 to 5 years to get over a divorce , emotionally and financially ect . I was ok after about 18 months , but it really is like a bereavment.
I posted something similar to you at the time and i honestly wondered how i was ever going to be ok again.

Well heres the good news , it doesnt just get easier , eventually it gets better. One day someone will mention him and youll be like " Who "? Seems unlikeley , i know , but you will .

Try to think of it as a journey , its not the end , its just the beginning , think of it as a transformation , the caterpillar / butterfly ect . Be kind to yourself , i would run a bath and sob and feel sorry for myself , id rant and rave in the car ( when i was alone ) and i scribbled furiously each night into a journal. Eventually it just eased off , and id realise it would be lunchtime before i thought about it , then tea time , then a full day .

I wanted to skip it , i couldnt stand it , some days i couldnt even face going out as i couldnt trust myself not to cry .But as painfull as it was i learned a lot about myself , things i wouldnt have known otherwise . Im sort of gratefull for that in a strange way .

And no more of this you played a part , you had NO part in him cheating. At all . You sound a loveley person , and things WILL get better for you. Do post if you want to chat , lots of us have been through something similar.

Hi everyone, and sorry for disappearing - real life got in the way, and my children aren't that interested in me wallowing in misery. Which is a good thing. Things do look a bit brighter today - I just wasn't prepared for the huge swings in emotion I would be feeling. And the down days are really really down.

Matthew2002smum - we were together for the best part of two decades, and married for more than half of that.

dignified - do you know what, your words really help. I didn't have any role in this. I can at least look at myself in the mirror and know I was blameless in all this. Clearly the relationship wasn't what I thought it was but as he never chose to tell me, I didn't have a chance to fix things. Your point about learning new things about yourself is also a really good one - I got married when I was very young, and I never really had a chance to be an adult independently of him. I see now that that was a mistake, and in some ways it's quite exciting to know I can be what and who I want to be.

Mobly - not only did he cheat with the new woman, who we all knew and who was more or less treated as a surrogate aunt by the children, but the affair had been going on for some time.

PrettyFeckinVacant - I talked to him this morning, and I don't think we will have to sell the house. I misinterpreted something he said the other day and panicked, but actually I think we can and will stay here. In terms of contact, he and I both agree that it's important he stays in close contact with the children. I am particularly keen on this because I know he is planning to start a new family at some point with this new woman, and I want to make sure he doesn't forget he already has a family that he chose to walk out on. Plus I just think in the long run it will be much better for the children if they know we both still love them and we are both still looking out for them. It does mean I can't not see him, though, which is hard for me.

I am doing a pretty good job looking after the children, keeping the house running, getting to work and doing an ok job there, and three months in I don't think that's too bad.

oh sweetheart, I read your OP and my just felt for you so much (was in pretty much the same position nearly 3 years ago, although not OW apparently - and still don't know if she was, although suspect so).

3 months is such a short time, but it does get easier - in time.

Take each day at a time, be kind to yourself, don't worry about boring your friends - they are presumably your friends because they love you and they will want to help (in fact they are probably wishing there was something they could do something - tell them that just listening to you helps).

Don't really know what to say except be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve your relationship x

Think about joining this Mumsnet support thread: it has helped a lot of us:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1081326-All-New-Road-to-Recovery-for-the-Recently-Ditched-No-9

Long , im glad things look a little brighter.
A journal might help you process some of this . Mine mostly consisted of rants eg " Fxxxxx Bxxxxxxd " , but it helped a lot. It was also good to look at it sometimes and see that things were improving for me.

The down days , they are truly awful arent they, but it might be wise to expect them , and in some ways to welcome them . Think one day less not one day more ( bit like labour!) Dont fight the bad days , wallow and cry and feel sorry and angry that this happened to you. Eventually youll realise you havent had a bad day for a month , 3 months ect.

And do think about what youve acheived so far , how welll youve done and what a fab example youve been to your dcs . Say the same loveley things to yourself as you would a dear freind , we are often our own worst critic.

Agree with dignified, someone told me that keeping a journal would help and it really did.

For a long time, I would rant in my journal and all the pain and anger would come out. After I would feel as though a weight had been lifted, just a little.

Now I am 3 yrs on and I do sometimes pick it up and read my entries and I am now shocked at the things he did and the way he hurt me (and my swearing ) and I am very proud of how I dealt with it all and went to work and looked after the dc.

We are pretty amazing, us women

what a wonderful person you sound, OP

you are worth a thousand of him, no question

I remember your story and feeling heartbroken for you at the cruelty of your H and the OW.

Enjoy being who you want to be, an independent woman, and don't feel that you have to dance to their tune - at all. Get the best legal advice you can and take the time you need to move forward. However well you are communicating at the moment, make sure everything is agreed formally.

They may have a fast-forward relationship, but it doesn't mean you have to be in synch with them.

I think you are coping amazingly in such a short time and its great that you have been able to get back to work. That will help you heal in the long run.

Sounds to me that he hasn't realised what he has lost and as your own life changes, make sure that you are well away from him emotionally when his new relationship gets bogged down in the reality of every day life. His decisions will catch up with him and will haunt their relationship, so its not all hearts and flowers for him, even if he thinks it is at the moment.

I am getting through the days a bit more effectively than before. I am dreading Christmas, though - can't imagine what's it's going to be like without him around.

And I keep remembering fairly recent incidents and thinking "how on earth could he have behaved like that when he knew he was going to leave us?". He just didn't act like a man who was trying to detach from his family. And then yesterday when I was looking for an email about something entirely different I came across one from the OW sent about three weeks before he left me for her, asking me how I was (I'd hurt my leg) and saying she hadn't seen me for a while and we ought to get together soon. The small acts of betrayal were so many and varied it's hard to take in.

And it's just so difficult. Small things around the house keep breaking, and the pile of things I ought to know how to fix but can't is building up and up. And sometimes, when the children are both crying because they miss their dad, or I am worrying about money and the future, or the sodding washing machine leaks all over the floor, I just want to hand the keys and the children over to him and run away to a desert island for a month while he cleans up the mess.

But...it's not all despair and gloom. My neighbour did something very kind and thoughtful for me yesterday. I am doing the 30 Day Shred (day 3) and am hopeful I will emerge beautifully lithe and toned. I am less stressed about having to sell the house now, I think that side of things should be ok. And work is at least an escape from all of this. And the washing machine repair man did ask me out this afternoon - which was quite flattering, even if he was 65, a recovering alcoholic and slightly overweight...

I think perhaps I should head over to the dumpling thread - I have lurked from time to time, but hesitated to post because it seemed so final and such a recognition that everything was over. But I guess it is, so maybe finding an outlet for how I'm feeling isn't a bad idea.

It is hard very hard. A number of us have been through this including knowing the OW.
You need support. All the 'firsts' are hard so be kind very kind to yourself.

SO please get suppport -from family, friends, doctor, online on here -whatever helps. Tell people who love you that you are having a hard time.

Do little things that you enjoy and over the months they will start to help and you will get some enjoyment from them.

And the dumplings thread isnt final - some have considered reconciling.

I used to phone a friend or relative every night to keep human contact.

Concentrate on looking after you and your kids.

You sound amazing - resourceful, kind, and a rock for your children. They'll come to know that - just as they'll one day realise what kind of a person their father is. As others have said, he is the loser here.

This is your darkest hour. But one day, you will indeed realise that you are happy, and better off without a man like this as your life partner. One day, you'll no doubt meet someone else - and when you do you will be able to hold your head high and be proud of your new relationship. And you will pity your ex husband.

Look at them - a man who cheats on his wife and small children, and a woman who deceives her good friend and helps to break up her family. No matter what happens, they'll always be those people and their relationship will be forever tainted. And they know it.

Reading your posts, if I had the choice, I'd rather be you, going through what you're going through now, than either of them, no matter how happy they seem to be. I wouldn't want their relationship for all the tea in China, in fact!!

Good luck. As I said, you sound amazing!

Try and fix ONE thing that has gone wrong in the house.

Honestly, you wont believe the amount of wallowing time that trying to find a sodding screw driver, work out where the screw driver goes, realise you have the wrong sort, balls things up, cry, pull yourself together, try again and actually sort it out yourself takes.

And then you will feel great that you did it.

... or you will have to call a plumber who will at least entertain you with builders bum for a few mo's.

:( I remember your other threads.

Emotionally it is horrible, absolute roller coaster that only seems to go as high as 'OK' but plumets to the depths.

It does get better though - you just have to hang in there, accept it will take a while (don't feel bad for not being 'over it') and be kind to yourself.

I really doubt your friends are feeling like that - they are probably more than happy for you to actually talk to them about how you feel and wish they could do more to help - if you can think of anything - tell them!

Practically - make a list of all the repairs/jobs that need doing. Tell H about them and ask him to make a day to do them - then go out with the kids. It is just as much for his benefit that the house his children are living in is safe & functional and that his 'investment' is protected... and if the OW (backstabbingbitch) doesn't like it - tough shit.

Just here to give you some support. You sound like you are dealing with the peaks and troves of grief. And dealing with them really well. Keep talking and keep going. Xx

This isn't really what you're worrying about at the moment, so it's intended as something to bear in mind in a little while.

I think it might be worth checking what financial effect keeping the house may have on your long term financial security. I think I've read in money guides for women that keeping the family house after divorce can have very serious negative effects on your overall financial well-being in later years. You may think that you're happy to sacrifice your own well-being later for your children's security now, but in fact, if you're financially vulnerable in your old age, it's your children who will have to pick up the slack, at the same time that they're needing money for your grandchildren's well-being. It's being responsible to think about it now, or to make sure that someone thinks about it for you.

As I say, this isn't something you should be worrying about at this minute, but worth looking into before you arrange financial settlements.

Hi GrendelsMum - can you explain a bit more about what you mean? Do you mean if he retains a stake in the house? I can see that if he is entitled to equity at a future date, that would be a problem. I am hoping we can negotiate a settlement whereby I get the house outright (with the mortgage, but a very manageable one, in my name) and a bit of cash. And he gets more cash and gets to walk away. That way, I would hope I would be more secure. The house is mine, the mortgage will be paid off in due course, and if I were to sell I would downsize, releasing capital. I am trying to think through all the angles before I see my solicitor again (the rates he charges, I have to make sure I've done my homework!) so it would be helpful to understand what you mean.

Mankymummymoo - I've just binned a whole load of stuff I suspect isn't really fixable, which was fun. And I put up a picture (it was one I had bought for him in the summer thinking it would make a nice Christmas present - but fuck him, I will keep it) which involved a hammer and nails.

And you know what, I probably am going to be better off without him in the long run. Or even the medium run. Just wish this very boring period of misery would hurry up and end.