don't trust parents to babysit - feel really bad

[dobbin]

Dh and I have moved nearer to my parents following birth of ds and my parents were keen to look after ds from time to time. Having made the move, I feel very uncomfortable with trusting them. Their intentions are 100% brilliant but there are several major problems:
-they have large dogs that are unused to children and while they say they'd never leave them with the baby, they have done because their minds have been on other things (only for a few minutes but that's enough).
-my Mum drinks every day from lunchtime onwards. She never seems drunk but she's always 'had a few' and I don't know how to broach the subject with her because it's been her life for 20 years. Although she never seems drunk, she is getting repetitive and forgetful but at a level only close family would notice.
I can't keep making excuses not to leave him with them but I can't face the 'discussion' because they are truly wonderful people and have been brilliant parents and they'd be soooo hurt.
Any suggestions, it's really getting me down.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Having large dogs I think is an excuse enough to be wary. As for the drinking, it is a cause for concern, maybe if you tackle her gently she might think about trying to control it? If it is a case of the drink or her grandson, perhaps she will choose her grandson? It could be the excuse she needs to quit?

I don't think they would, not sure why. They would immediately in an emergency, of course, but not normally. They're real home-birds and think ds should get used to being around there too.
I'm sure it's not just me being clingy. I'd leave him with any of my friends who have young kids like a shot.

Sorry, getting a bit out of synch here. Rhubarb, I'm sure you're right. Mum would probably be devastated if I told her my worries about the drinking side and it would all blow up for a while, but if there's a gentle way to say it, it would probably have the desired effect. I think she's a habitual drinker rather than an addict, if that's possible.
Maybe I'm just being too wussy and I need to get on with it. I do have close siblings - perhaps we needs a whole family approach.

That sux, dobbin. We don't trust anyone w/DD except our folks and my sister and BIL.

The large dogs would put me off for sure.

Good idea to include your siblings, they probably have had similiar worries. Honesty is best, but saying that I was honest with my mum and it's gone really badly for me. But then my mum is mentally disturbed. If your parents are truly wonderful people then they will listen to your concerns. They'll be upset for a while, but it would benefit your mum's health if she gave up drinking, so she can spend a longer, healthier time with her grandson!

Dobbin,

Both the dogs and the drink (especially that factor) would make me not leave DS alone with them.

If your Mum is drinking every day she could well be an alcoholic (am sorry to say that but this is possible). This has gone wayyyyy past habit. She's also suffering memory loss - also common with excessive longterm drinking. Also such damage is often irreversible.

What does your Dad have to say about her drinking?. He's with her more often than anyone else, he should know what's going on.

I would say that the only one person who will be able to stop drinking - if she wants to - is her. No-one else can do this for her and you may well have to face the fact that she may not want to stop drinking. Alcoholics primary relationship is with drink; everything and everyone else comes a poor second.

I wish you well.

Have you considered talking to Al-anon; they help families of problem drinkers. It may help you talk through your concerns with someone like these people too.

Ok, dogs get used to children. I've had issues with my parents dogs too, particularly the small one which is a snappy terrier - who has pinched the skin on both my childrens fingers.
As for the drinking, that is so tricky. Your mum will be very offended by any suggestion that she is not fit to look after your child. If your mum is a regular drinker then her body is going to be fairly used to dealing with higher levels of alcohol than other people may be able to cope with. Do you really, really think that your child would be at risk?
How about if you said to your Mum, that "Yes I know it seems a bit fussy, but in the short term could you keep the dogs in the garden while ds is there on his own - if for no other reason than to give me peace of mind."

I hope she's not an alcoholic, for your sake though I think if I were you I'd avoid the 'your grandson or the drink' discussion, if she is an all out alcoholic (and you can easily miss these things!) you might get the reply I got which was basically 'stuff the grandson!' which was very upsetting, but that's what alcohol can do to people!

I'd tackle the drinking and keep DS out of it, but bring in the whole family as other people have said... if you think it's enough of a problem that a little family talk might be helpful that is...

My mum has dogs too and that in itself is enough to make me keep my DS away from hers! You just have to tactfully think of a way of telling her that big dogs and small kids just aren't safe..

I wouldn't bet on her choosing her grandson over the drink. Mine didn't. (MY MIL) MIne has about a bottle of red wine every evening and then on a saturday she is drinking from lunchtime. And then she lies to people telling them she cant go out cos shes babysitting, when actually shes laying in a drunken stupour!
My Mum offers to babysit but lives too far away.. MIL would be ideal if they didnt drink so much..and we've told them that! But they pay no heed! MIL han't seen my kids for a month.. and a month ago it was for 10mins

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to help me with this and giving such balanced responses. I think it's right to separate out the drinking thing and the grandson thing. She's nowhere near at the stage where I'd keep them apart, it's just giving total care that worries me.
I spoke to my brother yesterday and he agress we need to bring the subject up but the 'how' needs careful consideration. My Dad is not strong enough to confront her about things like this which is a shame because she would respect his views - when she finally calmed down.
The dogs are less of a problem. I'd just have to lay down the law re. them but that's less of an emotional minefield.
I'll keep making my excuses for now and see how we get on when we need to bite the bullet and talk to her. But I am enormously grateful for all your views which I shall keep for reference as I'm sure they'll help me be as objective as possible.